Through the Aperture of Andy: Spitting Fire (Did I s-s-s-tutter?)

**This is a special, spur of the moment Aperture. Warning - contains unusually offensive language from Andy. Just a warning as Andy turned red in the face and just began typing. Thank you.**




You know what I can't stand? Fucking liars.

About a month or two ago Sportscenter put the spotlight on one Jason McElwain, an "autistic", high school basketball team manager. In the closing minutes of a game, in which his team was losing and ultimately lost, Jason was given some pity playing time by his coach. He played four minutes and, like a pimp, sank six 3-pointers. Pimp status quickly faded after this kid got his own stupid Sportscenter segment/report and was shown being carried off the court on the shoulders of his classmates with his deformed, pubescent face all big and stupid. Now, I know I would probably look just as stupid were I to be carried off a court all excited like. But...I'm not a fucking liar.

The report was filled with interviews of Jason's parents and coach crying. It showed his classmates talking some stupid shit and our dear, "autistic" Jason spitting out stupid shit. Stupid shit like "I was on fire." and then smirking and sitting there filled with a vomit-inducing, smug ass look on his face and this attitude that he was "the shit". Just to recap: Jason claims he has autism. Having autism does NOT yield you "the shit" status.

Definition of autism (as defined by Houghton Mifflin): A psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.

Ok, so let me get this straight. The kid is maybe dyslexic. He stutters and mumbles. Maybe he likes shiny things and is shy a few IQ points. I don't think these are things that keep him from being an average basketball player. Shit, most athletes are practically borderline retarded...intelligence wise. Let's face it: Jason sucks at basketball. Just like most of us. So, the kid was rightfully the team manager. The coach felt sorry for him and put him in and the kid gets a lucky streak going. He's not the poor soul with down syndrome who is the awesome team manager that everyone loves. THAT would be an incredible story! No. This kid, in all his camera time and interviews exhibits NO noticeable symptoms. He goes unguarded in the last minutes of a game. Where his team is getting destroyed. Where the other team, as Derek JUS points out, has put in their equivalent...the 3rd string bench warmers who have as much playing time as "J-Mac". They're stuck guarding the "retard". Shit. The kid wishes he was a retard. But yeah. Who wants to guard the special ed kid? So the kid has wide open looks and gets lucky. Then, the kid thinks he's the fucking man??? WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

I've never been more pissed off at the tv in my life. And now, today I open up my Yahoo! Homepage and what do I see? The headline: "Autistic hoops star scores movie deal". Oh my sweet crap! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Here's the link. Check it out.

That's going to be the most awful movie since Corky Romano. The movie's going to end with this want to be "disordered person" making some 3-pointers and his team still losing the game! WHAT?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! No check that. Hollywood will saw off one of his legs, give him an eye-patch, AIDS, say his father abandoned him at birth when he learned the kid would never speak, and for some reason give him the speaking skills of an ape with mush in his mouth. And then his ugly ass parents will make fat bank off of him. Just look at his parents. The dad is gangly as hell. The mom is just plain ugly and passed on her burn victim good looks to her annoying ass son. This kid better enjoy what he's getting now because in time he'll be revealed as a fraud. He's as "retarded" as some high frat asshole.

I'm telling you. The kid's not even disordered. We've all seen Rain Man. Maybe Jason's "savant talent" is tickling the twine. Which would be awesome. But this kid isn't awesome and he's not that lucky. I'm dead serious. The kid's a fucking liar. Fine...maybe he is autistic. I think this kid is barely autistic. If this is true I'm proposing that we get rid of autism as a disorder. Now, I know there are people with serious disorders. They will be reclassified with a new disorder. However, Jason and people like Jason will no longer receive special treatment.

He'll no longer be Jason: "the basketball team manager because he has autism". He'll be Jason: "the team manager because he can't hack it day in and day out". He'll be like the rest of us. Admit it. Would YOU want someone to make a movie of you? How fucking boring would that be?

So to sum up. Fuck this kid. He's an asshole and a liar.

And that's the world through the aper-aper-aper-ture of Adyn. Definitely. Defintely Andy.

Through the Aperture of Andy: From the Files Of....

Hey Hey. Hello my JUhSers. Sorry I've been away. I'm going to purposely ignore comments made by one Andrew (JUhS) and just get on with it:

From the files of: "Whatever Happened to...?" I bring up these once all-to-famous names...!

Nikoloz Tskitishvili - NBA Forward

2002 - #1 Draft Pick (5th overall) of Denver Nuggets.
2005 - Declared Free Agency
2005 (uhh later than previous 2005) - Signed by Minnesota Timberwolves

Career Averages - 3.0 Points/Game, 1.8 Rebounds/Game, 0.7 Assists/Game, 0.3 Blocks/Game, .303 Field Goal%

Where is he now: Traded to Phoenix Jan of 2006 where he is constantly laughed at by the injured Amare Stoudemire, who was still on the board when Denver chose Tskitishvili. But, his allergies are enjoying the dry, aridness of the Phoenix deserts.

Overall...NOT AWESOME! #1 pick?! Think Denver is kicking themselves for NOT picking Amare Stoudemire, Tayshaun Prince, or...shit...even Dan Dickau (all of whom were drafted after darling Nik). In all truth. This guy sucks. He never did anything to actually deserve this recognition or spotlight. ...Except be born "Nikoloz Tskitishvili" and have his name called out a lot on NBA Live (bang boom, whatcha gonna do?)



Darryl Kile - Major League Baseball Pitcher

1993 - Pitched a freaking no-hitter for the Houston Astros
2000/2001 - St Louis Cardinals pitching staff ace
2000 - 20 Game Winner for St. Louis Cardinals
3 Time All-Star

MAN! After putting together an awesome early career, struggling after being traded to Colorado, and then putting it back together in The Lou you'd think this dude would still be kicking some ass in the Majors. But no.

Man. Whatever happened to Darryl Kile?




....oh

From the Files of: "Separated at Birth"...

One is a 9-time All-Star, World Series MVP, multi-Cy Young winner, and is approaching 300 career wins as a pitcher in Major League Baseball. The other is a 4-time WWF/E Heavyweight Champion, 6-time WWF Tag Team Champion and has a perfect 14-0 Wrestlemania Record. They are the New York Mets' Tom Glavine and professional wrestler The Undertaker (a.k.a. - Mark Calaway, a.k.a. - The Phenom, a.k.a. - American Bad Ass, a.k.a. - Kane...sometimes).

However, few people know that they are actually twins abandoned at birth and separated by adoption. Look it up. Most sources will tell you that Tom Glavine was born on March 25, 1966 and that Mark Calaway was born on March 24, 1965. This is incorrect. Mark was born at 11:59 of March 24th. Tom was born at 12:01 March 25th. So, that part is correct. However, at the age of 17, after making the decision to become a professional wrestler, Mark was forced to lie on an application about his date of birth. He merely rolled back one year on his year of birth to 1965 so that he could meet the requirement of being 18 years of age to enter an amateur wrestling match in hopes of impressing some professional scouts. The rest, as they say is history.

I submit these photos as proof. Of course, Mark is much larger as he started a very rigorous weight lifting/weight gaining program. He also took assloads of 'roids. Tom, however, is al-natural. See for yourself...



Pretty amazing, huh?

Here's this picture they took together after "big brother" Mark convinced Tom to join him in some wrestling fun:




It's uncanny!!!

Oh man! Well...that's it for now. You will surely find this pleasing to your....eyes.

And that's the world through the aperture of Andy!!!

Basketball is back.

The founding dads of the Johnny U are not only the spokesdudes of our time. They are also athletes. Kick-ass, non-sucky, nimble, talented athletes. For the past couple summers these great men have played in a recreational basketball league that they themself created. It is the Johnny Utah Basketball League or JUBL.

Throughout the on-again-off-again-we-can-only-play-when-we're-not-busy-doing-other-important-things basketball season we will give you guys updates on the games that take place. We know that this information is totally worthless to the general public, but we just don't care.

The innagural game of the 2006 JUBL season was played this past Sunday.

SUMMARY:
Andy, Michael and Derek came out to the undisclosed sun drenched outdoor court of their choosing (Andrew was undoutbedly busy doing blow in a bathroom stall somewhere in New York City). Derek leapt out to a large lead but soon became fatigued due to a mixture of him being an out of shape bitch and the extreme heat. Michael and Andy were soon neck and neck with Derek. Michael through the strength of his fifteen foot set shots and Andy through his majestic slashing skills overtook Derek before they too began feeling the raw power of the elements. Derek fought back and came a basket from winning before Andy used drive after drive to reach point number 21. 21 and a victory.

WINNER:
Andy

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-1
Andrew-0
Derek-0
Michael-0

You all love it.
-Stat Dude

DEREK 360: Things you need to know

It's time once again for me to spill some knowledge for you guys. Impress your friends and coworkers and kids with these mighty fine facts.

KNOWLEDGE #4
Date My Mom is a fucked up disaster of a show.

Please forgive my harsh language but the television show Date My Mom on MTV is just obscene. A dude goes on three "dates" with three chicks' moms. After these "dates", which are chock full of straight-up-disgusting innuendos and double entendres. The moms and daughters have these bullshit pre and post date "candid conversations" that are so staged it makes me wish someone would step on my neck. Here's a sample:

MOM: Hi honey, I'm home.
DAUGHTER: Hi, how was the date?
MOM: It was great, we went to a car show and then we went topless.
DAUGHTER: WHAT MOM (obviously exaggerating her reaction)??
MOM: It's ok honey, we were just rising in a convertible.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
Fucking pathetic.

Then at the end of the show the three moms get together with the dude and they have a four way sex mess. No, they don't do that (at least not on camera...ersh), instead they meet on a beach or some other stock location and then the dude picks, based on the moms, which chick he wants to date. It's just a real mess.

I could pontificate on how shitty it is for a few more paragraphs but i won't. Just trust me.

KNOWLEDGE #5
Top Gun sucks.

I'm gonna keep this one concise. Top Gun is a bad movie. A really bad movie. Kenny Loggins is a bad ass and everything but not even his righteous tunes can rescue this overrated pile of shit.


I invite all of those who disagree with the above knowledges to comment.

Trust these things, for they are fact.

-Derek

HAPPY EASTER FROM THE JOHNNY

HAPPY EASTER!


HAVE AN EGG-CELLENT DAY!

Tonight's Johnny-U Reading Assignment

Faithful readers,

If you care at all about baseball ... nay, about America and all mankind, you will read Chuck Klosterman's most recent Page2 article. You may have seen this on ESPN.com's front page, but it's a much more poignant experience when viewed through the U. Without further ado:

Click here for the link, happy?

-Andrew
"Proud JUhS Member since 2006!"

DEREK 360: Things you need to know

Hello peoples,

Today I am going to to drop some knowledge for you kids. Some things you guys should know. Pay close attention and tell your friends and neighbors.

KNOWLEDGE #1
Patrick Swayze is inside of every white limousine you see on the street.

Anytime you see a white limo, inside of it, is Patrick "She's like the wind" Swayze. If you see 2 white limos at one time he is in both. I know it's weird, but it's true.


KNOWLEDGE #2
Wesley Snipes is inside of every black limousine you see on the street.

This is the same general principle as the Swayze/white limo continuum thing. Any black limo contains Wesley "Always betting on black (limos)" Snipes. For many years it was believed that the black limos were uninhabited but fellow-Johnny-U-Founding-Dad-Dude Andy recently informed me that Wesley Snipes did in fact reside in pretty much all of them. Andy, like me, is wise and reads countless periodicals of note so his knowledge on this matter is concrete fact.


KNOWLEDGE #3
Krull is the 14th greatest movie ever made.


If you line up all the movies ever made and then rank them using an intricate scale of factors that is too complicated for me to fully discuss you will realize that the 1983 film Krull is the 14th best. It's got Liam Neeson, a dude that looks like Swayze in the lead, a cyclops, special effects that the Pope once said were "more awesome than this whole religion thing I'm into", a goofy magician, and a kick ass chinese star looking thing. Oh, there is also the plot, which will fucking drown you in awesome juices. A bad ass alienish thing falls to the planet and these evil alien things start taking over. Swayze look alike dude and his special lady are set to wed but the alienish things mess those nuptials up. They kidnap the special lady and then Swayze, with the help of kick ass Chinese Star looking thing, Liam Neeson, a cyclops, a creepy old blind dude, a goofy magician (I guess he's really a wizard...but who cares), and some sweet special effects have to go to something called "The Black Fortress" to rescue her. That synopsis alone has got me sweaty. Krull is tits.

Trust these things for they are fact.

-Derek

Random Rambles and Musings by Andy

While watching the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball Game between the Cards and Cubs tonight (April 9th), my mind wandered upon a good 6 minute chain of thoughts about baseball. Here they are...

1.) As a joke to fellow JUhS founding father, Derek, I offered up the opinion that since Albert Pujols lost his third base eligibility in our fantasy baseball league he's lost all value. I, of course, was joking (or was I? look it up!). Derek found it amusing:

Derek: "haha"

I then offered it to David and Mark (the 2 other contestants in our league). David agreed:

David: "You do speak truths"

Mark, however, thought I was serious and offered me his counterargument:

Mark: "I don't know about that. Hitting for a high average with good power numbers is pretty solid"
Me (continuing my playfully sarcastic argument): "Not when you only play 1 position."
Mark: "Well i think with Pujols you get consistancy which you need from your higher picks. You know he's gonna hit for like .335 with 40 some HRs with 120 RBIs and a shitload of runs scored. No contract disputes, trade rumours or anything."

Thank you Mark for winning me over. Pujols truly IS a fantasy baseball gold mine.

2.) After connecting with what would end up being a 3-run homerun, Jacque Jones flipped his bat in Brett Boone "Booney Bat Flip" stylee.

Derek: "Gah Jacques needs to not flip the bat"
Andy: "How do you figure?"
Derek: "Flipping the bat is fucking lame. Especially when you're a second tier guy like Jok." (Jok = Jacque Jones)

This inspired me to offer up what I would do upon smacking a long one. I think it would be humerous (and show my street side) if, as I watched the ball leave the playing field, took the bat to my lips and proceeded to take fat hits from the bat as if it were a fat blunt. How awesome would that be? A dude sitting there toking up from a 34 inch bat as if it were a 34 inch marijuana cigarette? HOW AWESOME?!

I'd then run the bases and then upon completion of said rounding I'd stand at home plate and yell at the umpire, catcher, fans and DEA:

"That was a FAT HIT!" or "HITS FROM THE BAT?!?" or "Fat Louisville Blunt!" or something like that. I'd probably then gratuitously hump the ground and a cardboard cut out of the pitcher's mother.

3.) My train of though ended with this: What I would do if I were a Sportscenter anchor and I was narrating a highlight of some dude...say Juan Pierre (to continue with the Cards/Cubs theme) laying down a bunt. What if I were to say:

"And Pierre takes a fat hit from the blunt." Then (or maybe before the bunt is laid down) I'd make a lound and long tight-lipped inhaling sound followed by a cough as if I were taking a drag from some tightly rolled bud. I'd become the most popular Sportscenter anchor since Craig Kilborn and Keith Olberman combined.

So yeah. I hadn't posted in a while and figured I'd waste your time with this entry. What do YOU guys think about ideas above? What would YOU do if YOU hit a homerun? What would YOU do if YOU were a Sportscenter anchor?

Those who are late do not get fruit cup.

-Andy (JUhS)

The JUhS: Taking It to the Streets...

Once again, we here at the JUhS enjoy being able to offer a stage for men to express themselves in blog form (we call it whining when women chime in). It seems that our MLB preseason prediction post from last month inspired enough emotion and incited enough energy from a regular reader that he had to make his voice heard. So, without further adieu, we proudly present:

"Royals Will Fuck You. Hard." - by Joshua "Penis" Bradt

"First off, let me introduce myself. I am a long time friend of Johnny Utah, but am a first time writer. I sometimes tune to the symposium to see the comments that my dear friends, and forefathers of this site, have to say about life as they see it. But let me say readers, I’ll tune in no fucking longer.

A while back Derek, Andy, Vincent Gallo, Tits Drexler and a bunch of other dickheads decided they knew two shits about baseball. Derek predicted the crappiest team of 2006 would be the Kansas City Royals. Well let me just tell you something folks: The day of reckoning is upon us. The mighty and storied Kansas City Royals franchise will rise from the ashes of mediocrity like a phoenix reaching for the sun. A sun made of boobs.

I know it’s easy to bash a team who had one of the worst seasons in franchise history last year, but let’s not be short sighted with our assessment. The rumor mill is churning, and sources say that both Bret Saberhagen and George Brett are coming out of retirement to whip this team into a winning frenzy. Bret Saberhagen, with his patented “whizz ball” and George “The Pine Tar Punisher” Brett don’t just plan to embarrass the other teams, they plan to make the other teams shit their pants at the mere whisper of Mike “Sweet Swingin” Sweeny’s name.

But how will they do this? Aren’t they too old? What the hell is a Royal anyways? You may ask. Well dear friend, let me elaborate.

A mere 21 years ago the Royals were knighted as the World Champions of baseball. Leading that team’s charge were Saberhagen and Brett. That level of excellence can never fade with time, folks. Look at Jack Lalane, or for a lesser example sports blooper funny man Bob Uecker. Sure they might have gained a little weight, lost a little muscle, and have prostate problems, but as soon as we juice those motherfuckers up and get them on the field, the spark that lights the Royals comeback will be ignited. They will once again become the kings of baseball. Your TV screen will morph into a baby blue blur of home runs, grand slams, and pictures of George Brett flexing in front of the cameras, in attempt, no doubt, to get laid.

So friends, I conclude by saying that cheering for the Royals this season is not an option, it’s your obligation as an American. Not only should you root for the underdog out of principle, but you should do so to prevent the consequences of not cheering for the Royals. Once George Brett and Bret Saberhagen hear about your treason, the steroid rage will kick in and they’ll no doubt visit your home, lube up with big league chew, and spit tobacco juice on your back as they rape you doggy style (AKA Bret/Brett style). So don’t be an asshole, and help bring this team back the respect it deserves."

So, there you have it. How exciting. No more need for running. We're taking it to the streets.

- The Royal Men of JUhS

Oh, that's just brilliant, U.S. Government. Seriously, guys. Aces.

Ah, romance!

DHS Official Charged in Online Seduction
(from Yahoo's Michelle Spitzer)


MIAMI - A deputy press secretary for the U.S. Department of
Homeland Security was charged with using a computer to seduce a child after authorities said he struck up sexual conversations with an undercover detective posing as a 14-year-old girl.

Brian J. Doyle, 55, the fourth-ranking official in the department's public affairs office, was expected to appear in court Wednesday afternoon in Maryland and also to be placed on administrative leave.

"He said last night that he was going to waive extradition. If he does that, we may have him back by the end of the week," Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said Wednesday. "He could get to court today and some lawyer may say 'no, you don't want to do that.' The bottom line is we don't know when he's coming back."

Authorities arrested Doyle on Tuesday at his Silver Spring, Md., home as he was online with the "girl." The undercover detective had called Doyle at work and said she got a Web camera, as he had asked her to do, and wanted to test it out, said Carrie Rodgers, Polk County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman.

"He said he would get on the computer when he got home from work so we knew he would be on," Rodgers said. "When (police) went to his door, he was on the computer in the middle of a conversation with the girl."

White House press secretary Scott McClellan called it "a very serious matter."

"I know that the Department of Homeland Security have said they will cooperate fully in the investigation," McClellan said aboard Air Force One as the president was en route to Connecticut for a health care speech. "The individual who was arrested is someone who is a civil servant, and my understanding is that the Department of Homeland Security has placed that individual on administrative leave. These are very serious allegations."

Homeland Security press secretary Russ Knocke in Washington said he could not comment on the details of the investigation.

"We take these allegations very seriously, and we will cooperate fully with this ongoing investigation," Knocke said.

Doyle found the teenager's profile online and began having sexually explicit conversations with her on the Internet on March 14, the sheriff's office said in a statement.

He sent her pornographic movie clips, as well as non-sexual photos of himself, officials said. One of the photos, released by the sheriff's office, shows Doyle in what appears to be DHS headquarters. He is wearing a Homeland Security pin on his lapel and a lanyard that says "TSA." (MIKE NOTE: "Transportation Security Administration.")

The Transportation Security Administration is part of the Homeland Security Department.
During online conversations, Doyle revealed his name, who he worked for and offered his office and government-issued cell phone numbers, the sheriff's office said.

On several occasions, Doyle instructed her to perform a sexual act while thinking of him and described explicit activities he wanted to have with her, investigators said.

He was booked into the Montgomery County Detention Center. Doyle also faces a charge of transmission of harmful material to a minor.

There was no immediate response to messages left on Doyle's government-issued cell phone and his e-mail, and he could not be reached by phone at the jail for comment.
-------

On days like this, I'm just glad Ariel Sharon has a full skull.

-Michael S.

The Quotable Alistair Walford.

"What's red and white all over and keeps running into walls?

Give up?

A baby with forks in it's eyes."
-Al

Liz Zuerker Presents: "Grass Fire Anatomy"

At the JUhS we appreciate the guest columnist. I actually think this may be our FIRST guest columnist...I'm too lazy to read back through the archives. So without further adieu we proudly present: LIZ ZUERKER!!! (Her words will appear in quotes and special colored text and font style)

"Following another delightful episode of Grey's Anatomy. One in which im please to point out that "Robin" from Batman & Robin fame had a guest staring roll. I just didnt think my sunday night could be topped... UNTIL the 10'o'clock news.

Their live opening broadcast was about a grassfire in the Colony. Just a few seconds into the guy's opening monologue an airhorn is heard and then NAKED OLD MAN BUTT! Myself and my friend Lindsaytunes used my TIVO rewind button three times to insure that we had not imagined it, but each time there it was in all its gross glory! That only left us with the question as to how the news guy managed to keep a straight face at the airhorn blowing streaker. I am also please to announce that on WFFA.com, this is a top story right next to some big car crash.

Ladies and Gentleman This is Dallas!"

im very excited about this
i have a feeling mike will be pissed
because of the greys anat reference
but i simply dont care

(That last part was her "off the record" remarks about one of my fellow JUhS Founding Fathers. I just wanted to include those to show how gritty and uncompromising Liz is...and to throw a rock in the machine)

Overall: Great work by one of our favorite readers. Keep up the good work, Liz!

-The Men of JUhS

"They even like it when you go ass to mouth."

That's the new Internet only trailer for Clerks II, and it's pretty good. There is no way it's going to be as raw and groundbreaking as the original, but it's heart is in the right place (meaning it's going to have lots of dick and fart jokes). Sometimes that's all a movie really needs... Having it's heart in the right place, I mean. Not dick and fart jokes. Though that probably would have helped Mystic River. And maybe The Pianist, too.

-Michael S.

Tally it up with Michael S.

Fuck. It's April, and I've only killed one Denton cop. This is a major slump from 2005, when I'd already bagged two Norman officers and a fiji before mid-March.

2006 is so not the tits.

-Michael S.

My Plea

Please. Do not disparage my brother. Bobbo was greatness. And I have never laughed so much as when his lovely face was covered in his own snot after over-inflating an AIDS hand shield. I presented dear Howie with the idea of a case picking game show after getting a good bit of entertainment watching some of my friends poke and prod at some air-dropped aid in the field by my house. I thought: "What if one box was filled with several dollars and the other with a ferocious lion?" or "What if one box was filled with a considerable sum of money and the other was filled with a clown and rancid bass?" or "What if one box was filled with dubloons and the other was filled with the dust of John Candy?" Now that's must see tv! HAHA.

My brother's comedy and game show hosting abilities: The fucking awesome!

-N. Mandela

Brain or No Brain?

Has anyone seen this new show? I'd feel better if you hadn't, but apparently it's a craze that's sweeping the nation. The new hit NBC show is titled "Deal or No Deal" and it's hosted by none other than the incomparable Howie Mandel. What?! You thought his career was over? You thought nothing could top the pointlessness of "Bobby's World"? You thought America was through with the man known solely for blowing up, through his nose, a latex glove outstretched over his head?

You were completely fucking wrong. Because even the D-minus celebrities have nine lives. Why is everyone so god damn worried about global warming? Don't you realize we're recycling celebrities at an alarming rate? At this point, we won't have anyone left to entertain us by 2060, much less polar ice caps. And if I can't get my latest celebrity-reality show on VH1 when I'm 80 years old, dribbling on my sweater and urinating myself, then I don't fucking care if the entire coast line is submerged. Or if hurricanes pummel Illinois in February. Or if China replaces the United States as the dominant world power.

Do we even deserve to be the world power? Look at what entertains our collective nation. We'd rather watch a complete slut imbecile fuck 20 guys on the Real World: Key West, or Flava Flav spout catch phrases that went out in the 90's, or obsess over a group of coddled, useless youths who haven't served a legitimate purpose their entire lives as they prance around Laguna Beach. We'd rather watch a bald, washed-up comedian discuss for an entire hour, with honest, normal Americans, whether or not they should open cases handled by completely artificial, obviously fake-breasted models. THERE IS A SHOW ON PRIME-TIME TELEVISION WHERE THE ENTIRE PREMISE IS BASED ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOULD OPEN A CASE. Just ... let that sink in for a second. Has anyone else thought about this?

Who am I to tell people what to do with their lives? I am no different than all of you. I merely suggest: can't we do better? Is this how we want to spend our Monday evenings? We have nothing better to do? I have a timely and, I believe, apt analogy. We are UConn (or in a slightly more disgusting comparison, Duke); the rest of the world is George Mason. We are a perennial power, drunk on our own history and bred to believe the hype set before us. But there are others out there without the history and without the pedigree, working harder than we are to get ahead. And eventually, like in the tournament this year, it's going to catch up with us. Maybe not now, maybe not in 10 years, but sometime. Obviously, I didn't just make up this idea myself, but it's worth reiterating. Years before we were born, the international situation has been, more or less, as it is now. So we just assume that the world is "naturally" this way. I know I used to.

OK, I'm officially off my high horse. But that show really fucking pisses me off. It's a show about opening cases with numbers in them. And most of the time, since no one seems to understand basic statistics, they don't even make the correct decisions. Fuck. Don't watch this show. Besides, it's on at the same time as "How I Met Your Mother". You remember Doogie Howser, right?

-Andrew
"Proud JUhS Member Since 2006"

DEREK 360: JUS on the streets

Last night fellow JUS-er Andy and myself went for a jaunt into Deep Ellum. Deep Ellum, for those who do not already know, is an area in the sprawling urban monster that is downtown Dallas, Texas. While we were down there the following interactions with Deep Ellumians took place:

INTERACTION #1
RANDOM DUDE: (Yells) Don't nobody worry now!
DEREK (JUS): ............
RANDOM DUDE: (Turns in Derek's direction) Cause I'm retired!*

*NOTE: He may have said "retarded" in place of "retired". It was difficult to understand him due to the fact that he had been having a really awesome night of being a street person and drinking a lot.

INTERACTION #2
RANDOM DUDE: (Having trouble walking, talking and doing anything) Eiee Ma? Ame I tuy fughged uh?
ANDY (JUS): Are you too fucked up? Uhmmm, yeah man. I'd say you are, and you really stink...
RANDOM DUDE: Whuddaya mehn maans, Ig ott diss.
ANDY (JUS): (Remembering that this dude is probably totally crazy)...but i bet you had a great time tonight.
RANDOM DUDE: Chi manhns, dems puyliees wount eden adfres maiyass
DEREK (JUS): The police won't even arrest your ass? I guess you have some work to do then bro.
RANDOM DUDE: mahns, ayem dafunkhun devall en eeh gunnas gadrder elall ma demon brethren an fuchs dist owun adwa.
DEREK (JUS): ...........

That's about it.

-Derek

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


Well, well, well. It's that fuckin' time again you shitty fucks. I know you guys normally rely on me to give you guidance on everything from how to get a woman off to quilting but today I've got something a little different planned for you. I'm gonna throw some opinions at you. This is some shit you fucks can talk about at the water cooler or the fucking bullshit commercialized coffee bar. Go up to your shitty fat-fuck coworker pals and tell them all about what "Crazy Vinny" said on the J-Tah. If you call me Vinny though I'll take out my dick, shave my ass, and fuck you. Just so you know.

Let's talk about movies. I'm gonna talk about some upcoming releases and then give you guys my thoughts on them. I don't know what else to fuckin' say right here. On with the movies.

Stay Alive
The plot of this movie seems to be pretty clear. It's about a videogame that is fucking alive and killing all of the sad sack fucks who are playing it. The game is called "Stay Alive". This shit looks pathetic. In the TRAILER it shows a bunch of stupid assholes sitting in a room playing some game. I think I saw Franklin "Malcolm in my fuckin' Middle" Muniz in there. I did blow with that motherfucker in the bathroom at the Roxy like three years ago. He looked up at me and told me he was like 13 so I spat on him and ran. I have a firm hatred of that tiny motherfucker and anything he touches so on that criteria alone I'll be staying away from this fuckin' garbage. Another problem I have with this tripe is that Stephen Dorff is not involved in anyway. I didn't think you could make a shitty horror flick these days without at least getting Dorff's blessing. Fuck it.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Basic Instinct 2
Oh shit. You mean to tell me that the fucked up sex crazed bitch from BI-1 is back and she's actually got the same shit going on? What are the fucking chances there? Fuck this bullshit. This is a prime example of movies and the whole worthless fuckin' industry just fucking itself to make money. I'm sure that fat-fuck Ebert will love this shit though. Put some non-simulated cock sucking in a movie (see The Brown Bunny ) and watch out. Get some realness in there and people are all up in fuckin' arms but bring out Sharon Stone's antique tittys and everyone's popping fuckin' boners. Whoa. I got a little flustered there. Sorry about that. I just hate Roger Ebert. Lots. I watched the TRAILER and I kept wondering in my mind "why they would fuckin' make this shit". This is why I'm focused on music now. Oh, and who the fuck is David Morrissey? Fuck this shit all day.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector
Oh fuck. You have got to be fuckin' kidding me. What the fuck is going on? How the fuck? FUCK! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WHITE-TRASH FUCK? IS THIS SHIT FUNNY?

Watching the TRAILER for this movie made me want to buy a pony and train it to fuck the daughter that I don't claim but undoubtedly have. If I, while watching this trailer, had held the cure to all fo the world's woes I would have shat on that cure and said FUCK THE MISERABLE WORLD THAT WOULD YIELD THIS FUCKING SWILL.

Shit like this makes me wanna go back to killing.

Thumbs Down.
Less than None Stars.

My blood pressure is up. Stay away from film. Go out and get fucked instead.

-Vincent Gallo

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello babies,

I present you guys with a short (and sweet) entry on this fine Sunday evening. It may become a new feature here on the JUS. It's tentatively called "Stupid Person Time" and it will chronicle stupid people and the stupid things they do. IT'S GONNA BE SOOO FUNNY!!!

Let me get this thing started with someone who is a really stupid person (with a really bizarre name).

In Los Angeles last week a man named Tekle Zigetta was charged with currency smuggling. From there the investigators were led to a Hollywood apartment where they found a stash of ONE BILLION DOLLAR BILLS. ONE BILLION DOLLARS??? IN A SINGLE BILL?? HOLY SHIT!!!

The only trouble is that Tekle goofed when he was doing his counterfeiting. The problem? There is no such thing as a billion dollar bill. The bills they found were supposedly issued in 1934 (a time when a billion dollars would have been even more ridiculous than it is now) and had a picture of Grover Cleveland on them. Grover Cleveland? He's not bill worthy. That's a dead giveaway of fake-ness right there.

The investigators found 250 of these billion dollar bills. That's a lot of billions. The story on Yahoo News did not elaborate but I imagine Tekle is in serious trouble. He is also the first person to be honored on Stupid Person Time.

What kinda name is Tekle anyway.

-Derek

DEREK 360: Awesome-vertising

Hello world.

Let me get some things out of the way before I get down to business.

First of all, I'm sorry for the inactivity of the JUS lately. There is no good excuse other than laziness.

Second, to clarify Andy's entry below, Hardin Sweaty and The Ready To Go (of which I am a member, please forgive the shameless self promotion) will be playing this Friday in Denton, TX. They however will not be playing with Record Hop. Instead they'll be playing with the bands Prayer for Animals and Knee Pad. The show will be at Hailey's in Denton and will be only five dollars. If you're in the area and want to see a good rock show come on over. Plug over.

NOW ON WITH THE DEREK 360 POST!

I'm a fan of advertising. Both good and bad. Today I am going to present an ad that I think is just unbelievably good. I'm sure you guys have seen this before but now (assuming my link works) you can revisit it any time you'd like.

The ad is for Volkswagen, who never fail to make great ads (both viral and traditional), and they feature Peter Stormare as an uber-German car...enthusiast. I'm a lover of things that are ridiculously German so this ad immediately struck me as awesome. Here it is:



Here's a couple others in the series:
"Jaaaassssoonnn"
"It's definitely sucking"

"It looks like it could fly"

Great stuff.

-Derek

Through the Aperture of Andy: Away on Business

Hey JUhSers -

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'll be out on vacation for the next week. So, don't expect the fast furious posts from yours truly that you've come to expect and come to set your watch to. No sir, I'm off to the great slopes of Breckenridge, Colorado where I'm sure I'll atrociously injure myself and be left broken for the rest of my life due to my current lack of health insurance. Now, as for whether or not this will occur on the slopes or off (I foresee me drunkenly slipping and eating the side of a hot tub while wearing my newly acquired leopard thong and bleeding a lot) is up in the air.

However, today I purchased my new (and first) digital camera. Hopefully some awesomenasity will be had and I will luckily capture on said camera.

So, before I go. I just wanted to cram a lot of stuff into one big post!

FIRST:
Hardin Sweaty and the Ready to Go played a near-raucous and dare I say best ever show this past Saturday (March 4th) at Rubber Gloves in Denton, TX. The turn out wasn't spectacular. But the guys kicked major ass...and a cutout of Darth Vader around the stage. Ask Michael Thomas about the post-show after-party happenings.

This next Friday, March 17th, the boys will be destroying Hailey's in Denton, TX with Record Hop. SEE THIS SHOW! I'll allow Derek to further hype this show, but you should probably consider wearing old paint clothes and diapers because...well.....(aside from it being the new fashion)...you'll be messing yourselves from every orifice in your previously thought to be liquid tight bodies.

SECOND:
On June 17th, 2003 the best album of 2003, 2004, and 2005 was released. This album was none other than Brand New's "Deja Entendu". YOU WILL GO BUY THIS ALBUM IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE SO. Well, my little hipsters. I want you to check this out:

http://www.myspace.com/brandnewdemos

THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT! (Sorry about the language...but I can't contain myself). BRAND NEW BRAND NEW! The longly awaited and longly anticipated album is underway and should be released this year! And you know what that means?! That's right. The best album of 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009. 2010 should probably find their next release.

Just in time! If you don't buy this album...I hope your head goes through the windshield or you burn in the wreckage of a plane crash or drown at the bottom of the sea after said crash.

But don't worry, folks. Even if the album doesn't see 2006. "Deja Entendu" already has 2nd best album of the year in it's pocket. It can step up to the #1 spot.

(I ALMOST FEEL SORRY FOR WHAT I'M GONNA DO!)

FINALLY:

For those of you who like nothing but equality in a marriage, well, I just wanted to leave you peoples with this:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html

Just read it! I know it's long. I know the quality isn't THAT great. But just read it! Let's get some discussion going.

Alrighty!

I'm out of here!

I'm heaven sent!

Don't you dare forget!

That's the world through the aperture of Andy. I'm still working on a sign off. But my head hurt (head hurts!) and my health is a joke and now I gotta go because my head phones broke.

-Andy

p.s. - JUhS = entirely smooth. We admit to the truth -- we are the best at what we do!

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "Soggy Toast"

The rain felled down from the mountain top.
It went drippy drippy and it would not stop.

It hit some leaves on its way down.
And from there it sloshed into town.

While in town the rain drops flowed.
Until they hit a curb and explode.

The water, it goes into every home.
IT WILL NOT LEAVE THE PEOPLE ALONE.

It's only moments until the people understand.
This is not water, this is a man.

A dead dude, a spirit, a spectre, a ghost.
Some dead on your bread giving you soggy toast.

-Bad Poetry Guy

Good media: Natalie Portman

I don't watch Saturday Night Live. I'm too busy being radical. This was on SNL last night and when I saw it this morning and felt it was worthy of a repost.

My favorite part is when Natalie Portman says, "I'll kill your fuckin' dog for fun so don't push me".

Enjoy!

-LINK REMOVED-

-The Radical Tad

The Return of Whipmaster Charlie

Hey bitches!

Whipmaster Charlie here ... same ole Chuck, brand new venue, got me? Still lovin' thems Goober Peas (peas!) and still whippin' those bitches into shape! I'm so honored to be a Johnny Utah member, that I made a New Year Resolution for y'alls asses. You see, in my old age, I been gettin' a little soft in the whippin' department. You might say I ain't been livin' up to the title of Whipmaster. But that's all abouts to change in the next few weeks. And it's all startin' here at the Johnny U. Y'all be wantin' to count yourselves a might bit lucky that you a member or devoted reader, and not on the outside lookin' in. Cause we about to see a whole other era in doling out a fuckin' hard-ass whippin'.

The thing is, Whipmaster Charlie don't too much like what's been goin' on in the world lately. You see, I been too busy gettin' fat on dem salty goobers and makin' it real good with some hot mamas. So that's where this new resolution come in. We got some bitches out there that's really makin' my ass pucker. So my promise to all yous JUhS readers out there is to whip some sense into their dumbass noggins. While I been gone, the President o' the USA been bombin' him some I-rackees. His little right-hand bitch been shootin' off old man faces. President Ahmadin-his-face of Iran been makin' all sorts a trouble. Al Zarqwai Mahoomed been bombin' some more I-rackees. My man Dave Chapelle been goin' to South Africa for some soul-searchin' an' leavin' us with subpar television. Them hard rock music bands all been shot to hell. Scott Stapp done lost his god damn mind. We got us an angry-as-shit Sun God called Yousef. Lord, I could go on all day. But y'all mothafuckers aready know all about that shit.

And I knows you be wantin' ole Charlie here to do somethin' about it. So I'm just gonna climb off the Whipmistress, grab me my trusty whip, and get to work. I ain't no lazy bastard no more, and people of the Johnny U, frankly ... you deserve better. We got some fine ass pieces of work at JUhS. Mean ass bitches like The Radical Tad, Bad Poetry Guy, Nels St. Claire, Sweaty Frank Viola, The Ghost of Chris Penn, Crotchless, Demented Ryan Seacrest, Tits Drexler, Salazar Scuttle, Flaunt-It Flaunt-It Gary, Mike, Derek, Andy, Andrew, my favorite badass of them all, Vincent Gallo, and let's not forget Wilbur FUCKIN' Burris. That is a veritable shitload of talent right there. And with a slight bit of help from the Whipmaster, we'll be takin' care of some shit in no time. So don't you folks worry. If you hear some news on CNN or Google or Drudge, and some ass-kickin' is goin' on, you best be knowin' it's the JUhS whippin' into action. YIEEEEE!

Whip it,
Whipmaster Charlie

DEREK 360: WACKY Streets

Today I am not going to talk about Scott Stapp (or his sex tape). I'm going to stifle my ire for that buffoon just long enough to have some harmless fun discussing an online poll just completed over at The Car Connection.com. The poll was to determine the WACKIEST street names in the country. The results were as follows (with my inane comments):

10. Tater Peeler Road
(Lebanon, TX)
Is this one WACKY? I don't get it.
09. The intersection of Count and Basie
(Richmond, VA)
This one is really hip for the jazz crowd. Regular readers David K. and Fred J. are bound to appreciate this one.
08. Shades of Death Road
(Warren County, NJ)
My personal favorite.
07. Unexpected Road
(Buena, NJ)
This one is lame. It's not wacky. It's just lame.
06. Bucket of Blood Street
(Holbrook, AZ)
This is a well known street in the circles of the occult (which I frequent). It's well known for being the most hardcore street in the country. People have been known to wander aimlessly down B.o.B. St. and never return. It's like the Bermuda Triangle of Arizona. One time I heard about this one dude who was walking his dog on "Bile Is A Good Aftershave Drive" (which is an adjoining street). His dog skipped away and ran over into B.o.B. St. The dude just waited outside the street for a few minutes before a dog-sized bat thing came flying out of the fog that was, of course, descended all throughout B.o.B. St. The Dogbat was on fire and reeked of sulfur and dead.
05. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity
(Houston, TX)
Trite political humor.
04. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup
(Albany, GA)
I have nothing to say here.
03. Farfrompoopen Road
(TN)
This one on the list had a note with it that, "this is the only road up to Constipation Ridge". That is fucking disgusting. Do these people live in a little township called Shit Town? That name is most definitely WACKY.
02. Divorce Court
(Heather Heights, PA)
This one is so funny.
01. Pyscho Path
(Traverse City, MI)
The simplicity here is what crowned this one the top banana here in the WACKY street name poll.

That's all I've got. I'm spent. Too much WACKY. Uhhhhhh.

-Derek

Through the Aperture of Andy: An Editorial (Sort Of...)

Hello. This is going to be short and to the point.

Directions:

1.) CLICK HERE

2.) Blame Vincent Gallo.

3.) Repent.

And that's the world through the aperture of Andy

Next post: There's an Andy (JUhS) and an Andrew (JUhS). Those posting names are too similar. Someone needs to change. Who and what. That's next time.

Vincent Gallo Presents: How to offend people

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We pleaded with Mr. Gallo to not post this particular entry. It is not journalistic and it is not informative. Mr. Gallo took out a ball of hair and just pointed at it. He said "D'you want to eat this?" We, as it turns out, did not want to eat it so here is his column. We apologize.


Hey there shitbirds. It's me and I'm gonna teach you a little bit about a little bit. Gather round the campfire and suck my dick. Listen up. So you want to offend some people? You wanna make some mother-fuckers get all up in arms about some shit? Well here is a step by step way to make that happen.

1. Type (or yell, if being done in a public setting) the following word:

CUNT

That's all there is to it. Goodnight you fucks.

-Vincent Gallo

Song of the week.

This is gonna sound like music snobbery (or is it snobishness?) but 2005 was a very unspecial year for music in my opinion. A lot of very good albums came out, some of them I may even call great, but none of them were spectacular. This week's song of the week comes from one of those great albums of 2005. The New Pornographers released Twin Cinema in August and this song stood out to me. I like the New Pornos but after a while their sound is so tight that it gets tired. This song deviated from their typical formula slightly and for that reason it was my favorite song off of what was one of the great (not spectacular) albums of 2005. I've got a good feeling about 2006 though...

Enjoy!

New Pornographers - The Bleeding Heart Show

-Derek

Nels' News

I found this in an alternative lifestyle periodical in Baltimore. Maybe this guy can find what he's looking for through the Johnny U.


-Nels St. Claire

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "Tingle Wings"

I see you down by the depot.
Oh no.
I'm just so far from you.
Coo coo.
I see you hold the hand of the man I can never be.
And I,
Cry.

But not for long, my sweet little girl.
I've got my tingle wings on
and I'm flying to you.

I see you looking at that Monet.
No way.
You are alone in the museum.
Ho hum.
I see you lurch forward and fall to your knees.
And I,
DIEEEEEEEEEEE.

I AM DEAD.
DEAD LIKE A THOUSAND ARMIES DEAD.

-Bad Poetry Guy

Happy Valentine's Day from the JUhS

Feel free to scribble these greetings down onto a card and give to your special love muffin (For a nominal fee)
NOTE - The box your condoms come in with some work from some watercolors make great cards

Your love is like shoelaces...it keeps my shoes on my feet but still can trip me up

Your love is like Oscar the Grouch. Green, lives in a trashcan and bad tempered.
or
Your love is like a trashcan. Full of rotten bananas and Oscar the Grouch.

To you, my Katrina Survivor Lover,
Please. Don’t let the hurricane be the only thing that blows me this year. Meet me in the Super Dome. You wear those waders I love so much and I’ll bring the chocolates and TV I stole.

My Cowboy Lover. You be Heath. I’ll be Jake. Hope we don’t get AIDS. Don’t tell my wife.

Your love is like colored socks. Awesome and trendy.

My lady with a heart the color of a ruby. Your love is like menthol cigarettes, primarily consumed by black people.

Katie -
My alien loins are swollen for you. I promise NOT to shoplift the pootie.

-Tom

My Patriotic Love. Your heart is like Dick Cheney’s…which makes me worried. DON’T SHOOT! HAHA!

My Human Lady Lover,

Your love is more refreshing and fulfilling than my pet sheep and you kiss better than my sister. Thank you for not judging. Happy Heart Love Day!

-Jade

Sweet pretty lady. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Tookie is dead, soon you will be too. (Why’d you leave me?)

My whole bodied woman: roses are red, violets are blue. Terri Schiavo was a hot piece. But, not as hot as you.

My E-Harmony Hottie,
I’m tired of banging my keyboard late into the night. Come join me and let me bang something else.

Like your head with this hammer.

Love,
ThunderKisses221
(22 M, 5’9”/200/Green/Black)

You are easily my chocha of the year. Let’s make mean consensual, adult sex.

Sweet Princess Face: my love for you is like “Arrested Development” genius and cancelled.

My Romantic, Saucy Terrorist Lady: Put your veil back on, I’m having trouble concentrating.

Mi Senorita de Juarez, Mexico: Your love lifts me high off the ground! But, disrespect me again and you’ll be in it with your sisters.

My wife Janet -
Your stripes are black. Your stripes are white. Bet with my money again and you’ll be dead by that night.

Love and slapshots,
Wayne G. (The Great One…and don’t you forget it)

My Laci Valentine -
Let’s go fishing!

Your husband,
Scott

p.s. - Is your will in order?

My Sexy Maurice Clarett -
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Let’s make out and let me rob people with you.

I’m CraZY,
Barret Robbins

Dearest Sweets,
Your face is beautiful. With you, love I am in. Now take off your pants. Let's make dirty sin.

Hi My Temptress,
The sun is rising. My wife is in traction. Soon she will be gone. Now, give me some adulterous action.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
-Cupid

Song of the week.

It is time for a special Valentines Day edition of "Song of the week". With that in mind, I give you "Crazy on You" by Heart. This song epitomizes what Valentines Day should be all about. It gets past the bullshit commercialism. The heart shaped cards, the silly stuffed animals and the boxes of candy. This song skips all of those pleasantries and gets right down to the business of getting down. So tonight, as you're sitting at the dinner table with your sweetie, throw the Hallmark cards and Russell Stover candies down and look him/her in the eye and say:

"There's nothing left to do tonight, but go CRAAAAZZZZZZY on you."

Enjoy!

Heart - Crazy on you

-Derek

DEREK 360: Scott Stapp

Let's talk for a minute here about Scott Stapp.
Let's try and discuss the man behind the ridiculous music and behavior.
Let's try not to let our own personal ire towards this man cloud the facts this time.
Let's try and just present Scott's case and then base our opinions about him on that case.

With that in mind, allow me to present some information (in reverse chronological order).

EXHIBIT A:
Scott Stapp got married on Friday to Jaclyn Nesheiwat. Ms. Nesheiwat is a former Miss New York who now lives in Miami. They were married in a ceremony at the Vizcaya Museum and Gardens in Miami. I'm sure it was a beautiful sight. I'd be willing to bet that Scott Stapp wept openly as he read his vows. At that moment Scott Stapp was doing well.
-THEN-
Saturday morning rolls around and Scotty and Mrs. Scotty need to jetset down to Hawaii to enjoy some sun and fun. Unfortunately Scott had had some drinks (of the alcoholic variety) and was arrested by airport police for being publicly intoxicated. He was barred from boarding the plane because of his "boisterous" and "antagonistic" behavior. Then (and this is my favorite part) Stapp demanded a breathalizer test, which he failed.

EXHIBIT B:
Scotty too hotty is asked to come in to tape an episode of "Casino Cinema". The show is one of the many tired celebrity poker shows popping up all over the place. Scott was asked to come on the show and Scott loves poker so at that moment Scott was doing well.
-THEN-
Scott shows up on set and is obviously drunk (as fuck). He slurs his words, curses, claims Dave Grohl has "a little cock" and demands a kiss from the shows female cohost.

EXHIBIT C:
Scott Stapp meets 311 in a bar. He approaches 311 and tells them he is a fan. 311 and Stapp enjoy a fleeting moment of (drunken) conversation. At that moment Scott Stapp was doing well.
-THEN-
Stapp utters, "311, I am ready to fight," and the highly publicised bar fight between 311 and Stapp starts.

EXHIBIT D (my personal favorite):
Scott Stapp and his band Creed were enjoying success so they decided to go on tour. At that moment Scott was doing well.
-THEN-
During a gig in Chicago for the "Weathered" tour Stappy made some mistakes. He drank half a bottle of Jack before the show and then staggered out there to greet the Creed faithful. He got all the words wrong on five songs and then left the stage. He was certain that the show was over. He went backstage and laid down on a couch. His bandmate, Mark Tremonti, had to tell the crowd of Chicagoans that he'd "be right back" while he went to fetch Stapp. He got Stapp back on stage and the problems just escalated. Stapp removed his shirt and shoes (but not his socks) and laid on his back. He fell over a monitor while walking backwards and singing at one point. He also mixed up the lyrics of the two hit Creed songs, "With Arms Wide Open" and "Higher" and sang the wrong lyrics with the wrong song.


After viewing this information my original belief that Scott Stapp is a total idiot is simply reinforced.
-Derek

Brokeback to the Basics

Let's get this straight. The movie was fine. A career-defining moment for the director and many of the actors involved. I personally enjoyed watching it. It was well-filmed and rightfully placed in many crtitics' 2005 top ten lists. But please, citizens of the world (and non-JUhS members everywhere), let's not get carried away. It's a movie about two gay cowboys. Respectfully portrayed, a wonderful love story, but ... two gay cowboys. Nothing to write home about, really. It's as if the population has been reduced to snickering pre-teens. Most of us have seen the faux-trailer Brokeback to the Future. Slightly more than mildly amusing, I must admit. But please, I beseech all social editorializers, let this end where it began. There's nothing ahead of us that can't easily be predicted, if we take but a moment. I submit to you a list of what may well be referenced in future Brokeback Mountain parodies. This list will, well ... suck. I present it as a warning. The way I see it, if it's recorded here, it can no longer be an original thought. Feel free to add your ideas to the comment area. It will be for the greater good.

1) Brokeback in the Saddle Again
2) Brokeback that Ass Up
3) Brokeback in the Day (When I Was Young, I'm Not a Kid Anymore, But Somedays, I Sit and Wish I Was a Kid Again...)
4) Brokeback to Back to Back National Champions
5) Brokebackslider!
6) Brokeback Spasms
7) Brokeback to School Sale
8) Brokebackwater Hick
9) Broke-little-black-back Pack
10) Brokeback in the U.S.S.R.


-Andrew
[Proud JUhS member since 2006!]

p.s. - As a follow-up comment to the latest "Through the Aperture of Andy", let it be known that I have never seen Grey's Anatomy. But my girlfriend has, and she loves it. Therefore, his editorial must be correct in all aspects (based solely on this one example, of course). Thank you.

Through the Aperture of Andy: An Editorial

Keys to hit tv show: everyday, normal looking, cute girl...in a hospital with a just out of reach love interest...borderline zany, but heart warming supporting characters...peppered with oh so delicious lines like: "Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."...and coast on appropriately themed indie-pop tracks played in the background. Oh yeah, and set in a hospital.

Holy bleep. That's like trying to give a fried snickers bar covered in chocolate syrup and powdered sugar to a really fat dude who likes sweets. THAT'S how much of a hit you have there with those ingredients. ...And THAT'S what you have with ABC's "Grey's Anatomy".

You know what else you have with "Grey's Anatomy" (or "Grey's")? The most frustratingly, absurdly nothing of a show of all time. Yes, it's the most popular show with girls age 2 weeks to 110 years (I'm not positive on those stats, so don't quote me...but I'm pretty sure they're kind of not too incorrect), but that's just the proof I need that this show sucks. I mean it's full of chick propaganda. The anti-fairytale, fairytale. ...And don't get me wrong...I LOOOVE THE WOMEN...but women are no good at everything (to borrow from Homer Simpson and Brian Fantana....which will get me off on a whole other anger tangent about quoting that movie).

Let me sum up an episode: "Hey! I'm a woman. Not just a woman. A grown up woman. Isn't that redundant? (note - that's where canned laughter would be put in...if there were a laugh track...and where all viewing women pause to reflect and agree with this statement) And not just a grown up woman a grown up DOCTOR woman. And I'm in love. And love sucks! Now let's talk to my co-workers as they talk about their vaginas! Oh gah! I remember when we were kids and we were going to be married! But now, I may not get married. Wow. I hate men. I love making out. I hate me! And that's ok!"

WHAT THE HELL?!?!? What is wrong with women?! Are they all THIS depressed and put-out with life to the point that a whole show about accepting getting crapped on by life but then life hangs a carrot in front of you on a stick and a string like a cartoon donkey and cart only to pull it away from you just when you're about to nourish your hunger and then crap on you again? HOLY CRAP!!! WOMEN! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS!!!

...IT'S FRUSTRATING! And you chicks just eat it up! "OH! THAT'S MY AWAY MESSAGE TOMORROW!" That's an actual quote spoken from the mouth of one female viewer named Liz who shall go nameless, while watching part 1 of the Code Black fiasco. The power this show has! Only 2 things in history have carried more weight: the Bible and Hitler!

Just check out The Facebook! "There's got to be way over 1,000 chicks who put this down on their interests!" exclaimed Derek in reference to just the OU Facebook. And then there's the occasional dude who also says they "like" it. Give it up, assholes. We all know you just put that on there so chicks will go: "Awww." But even then, this damn show should teach them to look out for assholes like that...but they don't learn! What we have here is the new The Notebook. (Except, I admit, I like that...that's a whole contradiction that we'll get into at a later date). It's St. Elmo's Fire set in a hospital. It's ER without any trace of Clooney, Eriq La Salle karate punch, and any action...with the exception of the latest "Code Black" story line...which ended pretty alright...but was still absurd.

I can't fully describe this show. It's not rhetoric. It's not...pretentious. It's just....stupid and frustrating.

All I can say, as I wrap up this entry that I'm sure is out of left field and doesn't capture the fiery passionate frustration I have with this show, is that "Grey's Anatomy" is the most annoying thing on tv.

...That and John Buccigross.

How about this: "What Christopher Carrabba is to Dashboard Confessional, "Grey's Anatomy" and John Buccigross are to tv." Stupid, shitty, and bloated all around...and sucky....and ruining all sorts of stuff.

-Andy

Flaunt-It Flaunt-It Gary Presents: The Finer Things in Life

What's up Pimps and Pimptresses? What it is? Salutations! Hello. Flaunt-It Flaunt-It Gary here to 'spose you to the finer things in life. Today, I give you: CHAMPAGNE.

Ladies love the bubbly. But Cris is so played out. If you offer champage to your fly brizzle and they turn their nose up at anything less than Cris. You gots da do two thing-things. One: drop that zer-ho and get yo'self a down ass bitch. Two: whip out the NEW CRIS and then enjoy it with your new female companion. What's the NEW CRIS?

Here it is: Marco Bonfante Brachetto D'Acqui a.k.a. - "THE BERRIES"

Tastes like: The Fucking Awesome with strawberries.

Cost: $9-11 a bottle.

With The Berries, you're guaranteed a drinking experience that can only be expressed as Marvin Gaye's and Al Green's love child in a bottle, covered in fruit. What's up?! This here drink can be enjoyed with your wifey, your girl-girl, or your homies while you up in the club, in the studio, or in fronts your plasma.

Warning: When you whip out The Berries, you're guaranteed to smash that!

'Til next time. Keep it poppin.

-Flaunt-It Flaunt-It Gary

Song of the week.

This week I am giving you guys the new song from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It's called "Gold Lion". This song was first revealed to the world through a Diplo Mix. Now that both the real version and the mix version are out people (and by "people" i mean the rampant world of MP3 blogs) are comparing and contrasting the two versions. People are really fond of the Diplo mix. I'm gonna throw them both down there for you guys to listen to and make judgements on. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Thanks to Badminton Stamps and Palms Out Sounds for unknowingly (News of bandwith theft travels quickly) letting me borrow their MP3 links.

Ok, here we go.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gold Lion
and
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gold Lion (Diplo Remix)

-Derek

Super Bowl Predictions from the Johnny U.

The Johnny Utah Symposium is proud to present the predictions from some of our correspondents. Feel free to give your predictions in the comment section.

Mikey
"Steelers, cause of their steel rims."
PITTSBURGH: 24 Seattle: 17

Andy
"I think Seattle's gonna win but I'm cheering for The Bus and Pimpburger."
SEATTLE: 23 Pittsburgh: 17

Derek
"This game will be decided on the final play, which will be a fake spike touchdown to an offensive lineman."
PITTSBURGH: 17 Seattle: 16

Andrew
"I don't really care who wins, but I get $1000 if the last number in Pittsburgh's final score is 6, and the last number in Seattle's is 9, so ... I'm shooting for that."
PITTSBURGH: 26 Seattle: 19

Sweaty Frank Viola
"Pittsburgh is gonna win on the back of Jerome Bettis' 300 rushing yards and Matt Hasselbeck having 8 of his ribs broken."
PITTSBURGH: 38 Seattle: 34

The Radical Tad
"Mick Jagger is gonna peel off his skin and reveal a scaley demon."
-No score provided-

Yousef the Sun God
"I care not about petty Human games. [unintelligible shriek]"
Pittsburgh: 0 Seattle: 0

Salazar Scuttle
"I'm pretty sure Vinnie Jones is gonna win."
VINNIE JONES: 36 The World: -19

Vincent Gallo
"I'll slit your mother's throat with a piano wire."
SEATTLE: 13 Pittsburgh: 10

Bad Poetry Guy
"The Super Bowl will make my heart whole."
-No score provided-

Kenny Gant
"I just hope someone makes reference to my shark dance"
"Score? Yeah, there'll be a score. 21-7."
-Winning and losing teams not determined-

From these predictions it looks like the majority of the Johnny U thinks Pittsburgh will win. We'll find out tomorrow.

-Gary Gary Bo Barry

Yousef the Sun God vs. The Radical Tad

So begins this tale...



Yousef, primary Sun God in the 28th Epoch of Solar System 5iXb634 (note: its true name cannot represented to the human brain), is responsible for much of what we now consider reality. Although more widely known under titles such as Ra, Helios, Apollo, and Huitzilopochtli, Sun God adherents refer to his pure label, that which invokes the most power. Much was made of the assertion that this Earth was, indeed, not the center of Solar System 5iXb634, but merely a satellite of its sun. Many wars were fought, intellectuals ridiculed and excommunicated, and lives lost needlessly, all before widespread acceptance of the "truth". This truth, however, has not always been so.

At the end of the 27th Epoch, well before the time of man, the Earth, its sister planets, and its seven moons spun gracefully within a tri-solar field. Yousef, Magathaman, and Jeetu were co-rulers of this society, separately responsible for beings living peacefully on their planets. For a time all was well, as it had been for the greater part of the 27th Epoch. It was eventually to be compared to other great eras of this Universe, well documented in the Galactic Annals. A testament to its greatness was its tri-solar harmony, rarely disrupted and seen as a benchmark for other Sun Gods to follow as closely as they may.

However, the 27th Epoch ended in disarray and strife, as many eras must, for anything that is worth remembering cannot eternally last. Magathaman and his people fell into dark times, abandoned by Yousef (his only fault being his disdain for the weak) and by his former love, Jeetu. The tri-solar tranquility had unfurled, like a tattered piece of cloth, while the remnants of the Sun Gods' followers wandered their worlds, abandoned. Before long the Gods were forgotten, lost even from history's records, and the tri-solar accord met its violent end. The three suns, unstable now as a result of Magamathan's illness, spun in new paths. They clashed frequently, destroying all of their satellites, save for two. Earth and it's moon, Luna, remained. Luna had been seared, its surface destroyed, and all that remained were its deepest caverns, undiscovered to this day. Earth was plunged into an age of darkness, harboring no life of any kind for the rest of the 27th Epoch.

Yousef was saddened, for Jeetu and Magamathan had destroyed themselves in the Final Collision. He was alone, his power diminishing. Yousef, in what has become the most crucial component in the formation of the Earth in its current state, retreated into the deepest recesses of Earth. Its new core. There, he harnessed the last of his energy, storing it within the Earth, waiting for the day when he could release himself once more to sit on his rightful throne. In this act of desperation, the Earth became the first planet to derive its life from within. So ended the 27th Epoch: cold, dark, and awaiting the new life brewing.

And, in kind, so began the 28th Epoch. And it was this way for what would seem like eternity to any other being. The Earth sat alone in what once was 5iXb634, mightiest of solar systems, bereft of a sun, its only moon hanging lifeless to its rapidly deccelerated orbit. But Yousef was not lost, and his energy slowly grew, bringing new life to each layer of the earth he touched, melting its components. New elements were created in the molten depths, those which could harbor a new kind of being: Human. Eventually Yousef expanded, from core to mantle to crust, all the while bringing the hope of life to this new being he had imagined. It was a being containing all that Yousef embodied. Power, beauty, wit, magnificence- and it was good. As Yousef imagined his new Humans, he strength became ever greater and the Earth could no longer contain him. When the first molten root of his expanding power broke through the Earth's cold crust, Yousef brought his being's image into reality, one who could release him to his throne at long last. This first Human was one who would lead all others, bringing the word of Yousef to his disiples- and his first task would be to thrust Yousef into the newly brightned sky. His name would be The Radical Tad, and he was perfect to Yousef.

The crust split, Yousef's long-dormant power burst forth, and its first product was The Radical Tad, the only Human built solely from Yousef's ethereal protuberance. He contained all that Yousef conceptualized, but also some that he did not. The Radical Tad, although not known at this time, also contained Yousef's sadness and anger, and disdain for the weak. And as a new and separate being, he would slowly find that he contained other powers that set him apart from Yousef, some desirable, some not. But such is the life of a being in Creation. And now, at the begining of Humanity, all was good.

The Radical Tad awoke to his new Earth and glanced upon the rent that Yousef had made. He saw Yousef then, for the first time, calling out to him. He then did what he must- reached into the rent, and clutched Yousef with all of his power. With one mighty pull, Yousef was torn apart from the Earth's core and catapulted back into the heavens. The Earth was again cast in brilliant light. Its ice melted and Humanity's new home began to form. The Radical Tad, the first human, walked the Earth alone, putting all in its place. Yousef, his Sun God, returned to his former stature in the sky, rained down gifts of beast and seed. The Radical Tad was happy, and Yousef admired his creation. Soon, however, The Radical Tad became bored with his new life. Unlike Yousef, he did not have knowledge of all Creation. He had not the capacity for it. This made him jealous and angry, and he began to secretly despise Yousef. The Radical Tad created Woman to curb his anger, but even she could not fill the completeness of his void. Yousef was in such awe of his creation, and was engrossed in pursuits designed to please Tad, that he did not detect his anger.

The Radical Tad, temporarily diverted from the duties of leading the new Human civilization, climbed the Earth's highest peak. He shouted to Yousef in a blasphemous tone, demanding to learn all he knew, denying the gifts that he rained down. Yousef was surprised to learn The Radical Tad's thoughts, and did his best to stem his anger, waiting for this mood to subside. But Tad could not be comforted. Yousef, now angered himself, threw The Radical Tad from the summit and leveled the peak with one blow. The Radical Tad's new society was destroyed, along with his numerous Women, and a new concept was born- Hate. Yousef, envious of his new power and unwilling to delve into the Earth's depths to start his project anew, forsook The Radical Tad. He built other planets (Mars was his most favored), created new beings, and watched societies rise and fall. He was proud of this 28th Epoch, but never forgot the time of Magamathan and Jeetu. For all his power, he could not recreate them. And his thoughts never strayed far from his first creation, The Radical Tad. His anger simmered for millenia, but he always resisted the urge to destroy Tad, because he was his finest creation, the only one made solely from Yousef's pure essence.

The Radical Tad, limited by his life on Earth, spent his time rebuilding the Human civilization, all the while striving to gain what knowledge he could, striving to be sure the Human beings did not stumble and fall like Yousef's other creations. And all the while, waiting for the day when he could amass a force strong enough to usurp Yousef and claim his power as his own, so then he could know the knowledge of all Creation. Yousef periodically sent Dragons and other fell beasts to Earth to counteract Tad and his mutinous aspirations. But Tad was powerful enough to hold off these attacks and protect his society. And all the while in Solar System 5iXb634, a storm was brewing, until that one day when the battle would be fought, Yousef the Sun God versus The Radical Tad...

[as written in The Sun Journal of Yousef, Volume XIV, Chapters 47-89]

-The Historian

Vincent Gallo Presents: How to throw an incredible Super Bowl party

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. Oh, and a special thanks to ehow.com for its knowledge...and its patience.


Uh oh. It's that mother-fuckin' time again. Time for me to help you shits out by teaching you things. This time around I'm gonna give you guys some tips on how to throw a Super Bowl party that is so fucking incredible your friends' heads will explode...or something. On with it then.

The first fucking thing you want to do is get a goddamned life. Remember that this fuckin' "Super Bowl" thing is just a sports game. You could be spending your time doing important things. EXAMPLES: Hanging out with Rick Rubin, walking the streets of New York, drafting anti-immigration policy, kissing, skinning, and writing checks with your mouth that your body can't cash.

If you don't want to listen to my advice then follow these easy fuckin' steps to have a great time on that special Sunday when commercialism and bullshit take over for three fuckin' hours.

1. Decorate the house in the colors of the team you're rooting for. If one of the teams playing is "your" team, put on all your paraphernalia.

2. Invest in a few foam "bad-call bricks" to throw at the TV so your guests can express their feelings about the refs without doing damage to your house.

Ok, hold on a second. I was getting this shit off of a "how to" site on the Internet called ehow.com and I just don't agree with a lot of this. Foam fucking bricks? Are you fuckin' kidding me? Get a real brick and throw it at your wife. Who fuckin' cares.


3. If you're going to have guests who are rooting for different teams, establish an imaginary line (or for fun, "draw" one with masking tape) down the center of the room. Decorate each side in one team's colors.

4. Order a "Super Bowl Party in a Box" that includes plates, napkins, cups and a football snack bowl.

If you have a fuckin' spine you'll also order a "bitch in a box". If you wanna know how to obtain one of these prime items just walk outside your fuckin' bungalow and whisper my goddamn name.

5. Pick up veggie, cheese and cold cut plates and a six-foot long sandwich or two from a deli and have all the food laid out on a table within sight of the TV. Don't make your guests choose between eating and watching the game.

6. Buy several six-packs of beer. Keep the beer in a cooler close by so you don't have to run to the fridge when it's third and inches. Restock the cooler at halftime.

7. Have everyone write down who they think will win and what the final score will be before the game starts. Award a silly prize, like a big football pinata, to the person who comes the closest.

A fuckin' pinata? Give the winner something that's worth two shits...like head. Some fuckin' pussy must have written this bullshit. It is through gritted mother-fucking teeth that I present this information to my loyal readers. You fucks deserve better. Here's a couple of bonus tips that are stright from the mouth of Gallo.

8. Call some girls that you know who have a reputation for looseness. Loose bitches. Call them up and lay out a plan of action. Something like this: Arrive, suck, leave.

9. Get some fuckin' guns.

10. Make a wager. Something like, "if any of the teams in this shit actually score some goals I'll staple my dick to my leg". It'll really spice shit up.

Yeah I think that's enough. Throw a party, and then throw someone out a window. Big kisses.

-Vincent Gallo

Through the Aperture of Andy

Here's the first in what will be one of my additions to the blog. I'm just hoping to deliver some news you may or may not know about as I do my best Andy Rooney/John Stossel impression. So, let's get started!

NO-Mass Drinking
(AP via Yahoo! News) Remember when those boring nights would come along and they would magically be fixed by saying "HEY! Let's go to UMass and play some Circle of Death!"? Well, sorry Thumbmasters, looks like your next rounds of waterfalls and categories will be found somewhere else as the University of Massachusetts has banned all drinking games on campus. In an attempt to keep Minutemen sober and their livers healthy, the school banned drinking games in dorms, outlawed "taps and funnels" (beer bongs to the laymen), said "no mas tequila" (or Dewers, or schnapps, or Sam Adams, or any alcohol) when 10 or more people are gathered, and (this is probably the biggest kick in the pants)

Students who are 21 or older will be allowed to keep no more than 12 bottles or cans of beer, two bottles of wine or one bottle of hard liquor.

I predict that UMass enrollment will decrease drastically and Harvard admissions will skyrocket as Harvard will come to be known as "The Harvard of Drinking". Or something.

Getting a Dominatrix Off
(AP via ABC News) Tie 'em up, strip 'em down, whip 'em good, die of a heart attack (oops), panic, have your boyfriend chop 'em up and dump 'em in a dumpster. Who else needs a ciagarette? 56 year-old Barbara Asher (aka - Mistress Laura M - yeah, I don't get it either) was acquitted of all manslaughter and dismemberment charges on Jan 30. The Mistress was accused of doing nothing to save one Michael Lord as he was dying from a heart attack while locked in the medieval rack as part of his erotic fantasy (which he had paid Asher to help him act out). However, it doesn't stop there as prosecutors then say that Asher had her boyfriend butcher up Lord and throw him away. Lord's horny remains were never found. Prosecutors say that Asher confessed to all charges during questioning, but they forgot to tape the confession and didn't save their notes? What the hell, bros? To top it off, during his closing arguement, Robert Nelson (the prosecutor) adorned a black leather mask with the zipper mouth and then re-enacted the whole scene for the court. He tied himself to a headboard and then hung his head, as if he was dead (or satisfied). The judge called him back into his chambers and the jury started making out with eachother. Ok, I made that part up. I expect that this will set a precedent for many sexual crimes and make way for new entrepreneurial ventures entitled "Whack and Whacks".

Baseball Season Countdown:
- 31 Days until the World Baseball Classic
- 62 Days until OPENING DAY

And the only things that matter are seen through the Aperture of Andy (or something...I'll work on a sign off that doesn't suck)