A Brief Irritant, A Theory, and English Breakfasts

Hello everyone. Happy consumer holiday season to you. It's me, your least frequent JUhS poster. I have three quick subjects to bring to your attention:

-One-

Umm... look. I feel bad for James Kim and all. I'm sure he was an awesome husband and father. But seriously folks, has it been a slow news week? Here's a shocker: "Coroner: Kim died of exposure, hypothermia."

Let me get this straight. He left the relative warmth and safety of his car (not to mention his family), walked ten miles through the freezing Oregon wilderness in nothing but normal street clothes, and froze to death as a result? ... Well no shit. I'm sorry, but did this surprise anyone? Why is this the top story on cnn.com? Everyone realizes there are - eh - larger issues going on in the world, right? Oh screw it... I can give you one right now.

-Two-

Ready? Here it is. Big Pooga's operation is larger and more sophisticated than we previously thought was possible. He possesses nuclear technology, is recruiting suicide assailants, and may very well be the underground ruler of everyone's favorite upstart nation, Russia. I realize this is quite a statement. Allow me to explain.

That's right. We're going there. You all know the late Mr. Litvinenko. He was killed by sushi laced with the lethal radioactive material polonium 210.* The mainstream media would have you believe the powers-that-be in Moscow wanted Litvinenko, a critic of Putin's administration, killed. Likely, and easy for an average person to accept, but untrue.

I pose the following argument: It was Big Pooga, not Putin, who poisoned Litvy. In the depths of the Baltic sea, BP recruited the most cold-blooded salmon and spicy tuna he could find, convinced them to ingest radioactive material before knowingly subjecting themselves to the sushi knife, and (inexplicably) ensured their delivery to the very Itsu at which Litvy was eating that fateful evening. "Impossible," you say. Not if BP is himself the leader of Russia. The man (or in this case, fish) behind the curtain, if you will. Putin is obviously his puppet, the instrument whereby he will enact his scheme for the destruction of humanity. BP has furthered his operation from rural lakes in the southern US to the former Soviet Union at an alacritous pace. Before long he'll have Russia up and running again, gaining steam. Next thing you know, they'll be united with China. And once the PLA is involved, well, it's all over but the crying.

This should be worrying you, people. Not James Kim's exact location and body temperature when he died. I wouldn't be surprised if BP controls the mainstream media by now. Has Ted Turner made any trips to Russia lately? (Salazar, can you look into this please?) In the meantime, I highly suggest that everyone keep away from sushi. Just to be safe. And no watersports.

-Three-

In complete and utter digression, English food sucks. This is what I ate for breakfast this morning:

Disgusting (but seafood-free).

It's a permanent revolution folks,
Andrew (JUhS)

*statement may or may not be true