DEREK 360: Yes/No (29 days)

YES!

NO!

NOTE 1: The words are links.
NOTE 2: Thanks to Andrew for the European flavored Yes/No content.

Countdown to takeover. (30 days)

Hello friends,

In one month's time The Johnny Utah Symposium will be taking over the Internets. Completely.

On April 26, The JUhS will relaunch itself (like SkyNet) and be full to the brim with the delicious bouillabaisse of ideas and topics you have come to expect, and it will look and feel even better while being that full. It will date your girlfriend and get her pregnant, and then disappear. It will wait for you to finally open that little music store in the middle of the quaint town square that you've been dreaming of all your life before it brings a franchise of Guitar Center in and puts it right across the street instantly bankrupting you. It will own really hard and strongly like and you will love it. Prepare.

Fear not though, for now we are going to keep the content coming. This is just a warning. The Johnny U takeover is imminent...and eminent.

April 26.
Post #200.
History.

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "Love Poem #91"

I love you
Like one million particles of love ions
charged with love

No Death.

I love you
Like the blood that runs in the rivers in a soft Hell
or the majesty of Africa

No Death.

I love you
And the love i feel is buoyant and strong
OUR BOND IS POWER

NO DEATH CAN STOP THIS LOVE OF OURS!

-Bad Poetry Guy

DEREK 360: Stupid(est) Person(s) Time

Hello everyone.

I want to first declare that this edition of Stupid Person Time is not intended to "one up" or "kick the ass of" Andrew's Stupid Person Time article below. I love that he's keeping this segment going. The reason for the doubling up in such a short time is simply because there is a metric shit-ton of stupid people walking about on this day.

I was prepared to brush my teeths and go to bed when I happened over to CNN.com for one last glance at the world's happenings. It was then that I saw this kid for the six millionth time in the past two days:


Wee little Mikey Auberry. If you've been closely monitoring the Amber Alerts of the past week or so you'd know that Lil' Mike is the twelve year old Cub Scout who went missing from a camp ground in North Carolina. Now, I am not a person who belittles missing persons. I'm not Andrew. However when the boy is found unharmed and then later (like three hours ago) reveals why he got lost and it's some of the stupidest shit of all time, well, then I have to comment. I have to. I do.

Little Mikey A. got lost because he was homesick, and was going to find the closest highway so he could hitch a ride home.

WHAT???

This is a new level of Stupid Person Time. This is StupidEST Person Time. This kid is in the hall of fame of stupid. Not only does he wander off away from the rest of his group (den?), but he wanders off with the initial idea of hitching a ride home. DID HE NOT SEE PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE? DID HE NOT SEE THE HITCHER REMAKE STARRING THE ODYSSEUST HIMSELF, SEEN BEEN? And this kid is twelve. This is not a five year old blind kid. He's an able-bodied twelve year old Cub Scout. Is there not a merit badge for common sense? I can't type fast enough to truly articulate just how foolish I think this kid is. There were, at one point, 25 seperate search groups and several dog teams searching for this little punk, and what is he doing? Looking for the highway so he can go rest stop to rest stop with some giant trucker who is, ironically, named Little Man Dave...or something.

It's totally insane. Insane crazy stupid. And, believe it or not, it gets worse. Mike's daddy, Kent, had this to say when he found out about that whole hitchhiking thing:

"We're going to have that lecture about hitchhiking again."

Again? Holy shit.

This is why this segment is today called Stupidest Persons Time. Michael Auberry, you are the six rolls of toilet paper you get for $1.99. Your dad is the bonus roll.

-Derek

Stupid Person Time

Normally, Derek (JUhS) holds it down in the vast arena of Stupid Persons. Not to encroach upon his territory, but I felt compelled to share this with everyone today. While engaged in my daily routine of avoiding anything resembling work, I came across this beauty of an article from South Africa.

To recap, four recently-released criminals decided to hijack a darkly tinted car right in front of a police station that - get this - contained two armed police officers and two armed private investigators. Needless to say, they were unsuccessful. Somehow, no one was injured. Stupid? I'd say very.

This got me thinking ... would these criminals' severe lack of judgement apply to alternate scenarios? Where does this rank in the universe of patently bad ideas?

Some off-the-cuff examples:

Guy 1: My recurring case of explosive diarrhea is acting up again. Are you sure this roller coaster is such a great idea?
Guy 2: It's all good, mans. I'm right behind you.
-------------------------------
Man: Please, sweetie. Please blow me. Just ... work around the herpes sores.
Woman: Alright. Is herpes even contagious?
Man: No ... ??
-------------------------------
HS Basketball Player: Coach, that retard McElwain won't stop bothering us. We're losing by 30, can't you do something?
Coach: Don't worry. I'll put him in for a couple minutes, he'll miss a few shots, and we won't hear a word about it ever again.
-------------------------------
Britney: You know, I've been wondering ... bald. The new pink?
Paris: That's so hot.
-------------------------------
Marquette Mom 1: What's that one kid's name? The funny looking one with the curly hair. Something with a 'J'. Jopchinskee, Japdoogee ...
Marquette Mom 2: Fuck it. Just write "Jade".

I might be on to something here.

Readers, we know you're out there (you're on our counters!). We'd like to see your own thoughts in the comments. There's got to be some better examples. Have at it.

DEREK 360: Let's watch movies: Once Bitten

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today I am going to talk about Once Bitten. Once Bitten is a chilling film from 1985 starring a before-he-was-famous Jim Carrey as the helpless victim to one-time-hottie Lauren Hutton's blood-thirsty vampiress. It's a story about dark forces and how said forces can be affected, both positively and negatively, by the personal choices a person makes...in 1980's California. It's a hardcore experience of a film. It's gritty, real and powerful and it makes everything Carrey has done since look like a bowl of burnt feces.

The movie opens by clearly laying out the troubling plot. The vampiress and her homosexual butler calmly discuss their problem. If she does not drink the blood of a virgin three times in the next ten days she will lose her youthful and totally ridiculously hot visage. She has been having a problem though. It seems that in 1980's California no one except kids are virgins and, because she is a vampire with a moral structure of blood drinking, she refuses to prey on kids. So what can she do? Her clock is ticking. The movie grabs you here and does not let you go.

From there we meet Jim Carrey's character. He is attempting to make love to his longtime girlfriend and she is resisting. Jim is defeated. Could he be the last virgin in all of California?

Naturally our two main characters intersect. On a chance night out at a Hollywood club Jim and vampiress cross paths and decide to go back to vampiress' house castle. From there lady vamp sucks Jim's blood (through his inner thigh...not the neck...Once Bitten does not trudge in the realm of the trite vampire cliche...it invents a new legacy of vampire fear and pain) and tells him that they made the sex like a couple of college kids hopped up on sugar-water and jelly beans.

At this point the movie has an almost playful air of fear. It's as though the film, unconsciously, is attempting to prepare the viewer for the lineup of tragic events that are to come. The viewer, however, can't be properly prepared for the visceral and unbelievable emotional ride they are about to be taken on. Jim Carrey's character spends the next solid hour of this masterwork of a film juggling the longtime girlfriend whom he loves and the vampiress who is clearly becoming more and more of a threat. This movie actually does what Fatal Attraction woefully attempted to do. Carrey's character begins to be torn, both through a physical transformation on par with some of the great visual performances of our time (i.e. Christian Bale in The Machinist, Jared Leto in that movie where he's a fat dude, etc.) and an emotional resonance that rips out the viewer's heart and breaks it again and again.

The movie is punctuated in a thrilling sequence that is Hitchcockian in its suspense and Speilbergian in its execution. In the end Carrey's longtime girlfriend must make the weighty decision to either give the man she loves the eternal gift of her virginity or watch him perish into the dark world of the occult. The choice she makes and the consequences everyone experience will move you to tears.

Normally I like to divulge prescious plot points in my reviews but doing that here would be patently unfair. Watch this film and as you are watching feel the feeling of knowing that you know that you are watching a film that needs to be needed and watched and let it run through your blood. It's powerful stuff.

+PROS+
+Everything.

-CONS-
-Nothing.

I give this film a 10.1 out of 10
-Derek

THE JOHNNY CELEBRATES A HOLIDAY !UPDATED!

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY



-Drunky McJaderson

The North Hollywood Chapter of the JUHS:
Wasting lives, wasting talent, kissing fat chicks.

Nels' News

It’s a Nels’ News Follow-up.

First of all, how do you know it’s a slow news day? When a station spends three-and-a-half minutes talking about last nights newscast. Watch the play-by-play of the cat attack below.



Now, another, even more shocking development. We’ve all been looking to Big Pooga for the coming invasion, suspecting it would come from the sea. But is it possible that the aquatic army has enlisted land animals to their cause? Perhaps the Cleveland cat attack was some sort of sign, a signal to feline America that the time for vengeance has come.

Case in point.

Could it be that the cats will attack en masse, herding us running and screaming towards the water, where Big Pooga’s aquatic minions will finish the work?

I fear that these attacks are connected, and that they will hearken the beginning of a wave of feline violence the likes of which we can scarce imagine. We must take to the bomb shelters, stock the shelves with food, and wait.

Pray to your Gods.

Nels St. Claire.

The Johnny U Newsreel: ARE YOUR BRACKETS BOOMDED OR BUSTED?

doo doot doot deet dot doo doo doot--
dee dee dot doot deet dah dee doot--

The most amazing four days in the history of the year?!

...

...

The least exciting first day in the history of recent memory?!?!

...

...

DUKE DROPPING DANK DEFECATION ON THE DANCEFLOOR??!!??!!!!!

This just in--

[What's the name of that pool I should've joined by never got around to?]

You asshat. You mean the JUBL's first annual facebook tournament pool? It's the awesome.

[Tell us, won't you? Who's in the lead?]

None other than Joseph Morgenstern, longtime friend to the Johnny. He's only a perfect 16/16 on day one.

[How are the founding dad dudes' brackets doing?]

Andy, Andrew, and Derek's are just fine, thanks. Michael Thomas, not so much is actually doing alright as well.

[What's the prize for winning?]

In addition to year-long bragging rights, the winner will receive one (1) post on the Johnny. This post can cover any topic of the winner's choosing. Our only request: that it not suck. The use of fictional characters is, as always, highly encouraged. (-pending JUhS committee approval-)

[Is there any other news to report besides basketball?]

Yeah. Cricket fucking sucks.

Happy Day Two to everybody. Until next time, after Kevin Durant melts all our faces, signing off from your favorite website and most trusted news source...

...THE JOHNNY U NEWSREEL

Nels' News

This is from Nels St. Claire.
The real one.

He sent me this clip from his Johnny outpost in The Tedo. Enjoy.

JUhS All-Stars (A New JUhS Bit)

Layoffs. Firings. Retirements. They happen every day, however, never are they more publicized than in the arena of professional sports. For years now, Derek and myself have played a “game” in which all newly retired or cut (fired for the un-sportsy) sports personalities would find themselves up for a job at the McKinney YMCA (don’t ask). For example, about a year ago Jerome Bettis retired from the NFL. He was then up for consideration as the starting running back/athletic director for the YMCA. Many a player and many a coach from many a sport soon found themselves newly employed with the McKinney YMCA.

Well, Derek and I, now being fully employed by the JUhS (check out the Rovers and Maybachs), have left the McKinney YMCA. However, sports dudes continue to retire and get all fired every of these days (?). These dudes need new employment as I, being the economist I am, will not tolerate them being a strain on the economy with their unemployment and welfare sucking. So, HERE! TODAY! I would like to announce the establishingment of the JUhS All-Stars! Due to newly freed cap room and that room of cash we discovered the other day while wondering around the JUhS mansion, we can now afford to field our own teams of sports stars (across all sports in the sports galaxy) who will do battle against the best other planets can offer (as well as staple and colate important JUhS documents, plunge JUhS office and mansion toilets and groom the pets).

Now, where to begin. This is going to be tricky because we find ourselves in a very odd part of the sports calendar where we find only the Association of Basketball National in season. This means that many a day has passed since football and baseball seasons ended so that means we have missed quite a few firings and retirements. So, I’m going to gently ease us into the water here and throw a couple of nominees out there for your consideration. Remember, this is just to start, later we can go back and find some new candidates. This is how it will work: I’ll throw out the names, I’ll make a couple of pointers about said names, we will vote, I will keep track on my JUhS issued computing machine (given by the Heavens) and make updates as necessary! Let’s play ball…


1.) Bill Parcells - Head Football Coach

• Real Name: Duane Charles “Bill” Parcells (How he got the name “Bill” and shed the often criminal elements and stigmas of the name Duane is a mystery and should be enough to hire him)
  
  
• Nickname: The Big Tuna
  
  
• Accolades: 2 Super Bowl Titles; 183-138-1 Record; Asstons of Coaching Awards; Responsible for 7 Current Pro and College Head Coaches; Awesomely round belly

2.) Jake Plummer - NFL Quarterback, Avid Beard/Mustache Supporter

• Real Name: Jason “Jake” Stephen Plummer
  


• Nickname: The Snake
  


• Accolades: Nothing Much More Than Extremely Sweet/Psycho-Looking Facial Hair Patterns and Growing Abilities; Led Some Teams to the Playoffs; Gives Fans the Finger

So, what you guys think? Bill Parcells for the role of Head JUhS Football Coach and Jake “The Snake Plummer” as QB1 of the JUhS Footballers. Lemme hear from you…

DEREK 360: Awesome-vertising

I love local advertising.

Go here to watch a list of the "50 best local ads of all time". Much love to The Phat Phree for compiling these clips.

Here's one of my personal favorites:

It's just like.
It's just like.
A mini.
Mall!

Brilliant...and effective.
-Derek

One Sentence Movie Reviews with Michael Thomas

In the tradition of previous entries in the franchise, SAW III shits itself and dies like a relapsed cancer patient.

0 boners out of 5.












Fuck you, Darren Lynn Bousman.

Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - John Edwards

Bear in mind this is an apolitical blog. The Johnny Utah Symposium neither supports nor opposes any of the following candidates. We make no contributions, monetary or otherwise, to any of their campaigns. Wilbur Burris is not a registered voter. We just call it like we see it.

JUhS readers, we present to you here today a very, very special guest contributor to preview Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards. She's an accomplished columnist, author, blogger, television pundit, radio personality, actress, national sex symbol and professional sadist. Please welcome ... Ann Coulter.


Every warm-blooded, non-terrorist male just came in his pants.

And probably some of the ladies out there too.

Now, while the Johnny is a strictly apolitical blog, we can make no such guarantee for Ann and her guest post. We hear she leans slightly to the right. Kind of like Jade's dick.

Without further ado, Ann...

...


"AAAAAARRRRHHHHHGGGGGRRRGHHHHHGG
AAAAAAARGRGRHRGRGRGHHHHHRRRGGGG
RRRRAAAFFFFGGGRRRRBBBRRGGGGHHHHH
ROWWWLLLLRRRRRGGRRRRAAAABBBBHHHH
JOHN EDWARDS IS A FUCKING FAGGOT!!!!!
AAAAAARRRRHHHHHGGGGGRRRGHHHHHGG
AAAAAAARGRGRHRGRGRGHHHHHRRRGGGG
RRRRAAAFFFFGGGRRRRBBBRRGGGGHHHHH
ROWWWLLLLRRRRRGGRRRRAAAABBBBHHHH"



Wow ...

Scathing.

Thanks Ann!

After receiving a post full of such sexy, sexy animosity, we thought it was only fair we give the John Edwards camp a chance to retort.

And, wouldn't you know it, look who they sent:


It's Isaiah Washington, from Grey's Anatomy! Here's what he submitted to us:

"Listen up. I know a faggot when I see one. Alright? John Edwards is not a fag.

Ann. Call me, bitch."

With people like him on your team, John, we think you'll go far.

If you would like to support Mr. Edwards' campaign, feel free to attend a rally in San Antonio at the Sunset Station Depot. It's tomorrow, March 7th, at 5:00pm. But keep an eye out for Ann, she'll be looking to destroy you. Sexually.

Not to overpost, but...

The JUhS and Mr. Peppermint want to wish a very special birthday to one of the most influential artists of all time.

EDDY GRANT

NOT to be confused with:

Brian Grant

or

Horace Grant

Hope you all love it and hope Eddy keeps on rocking.

Here's to living!

-Mr. Peppermint

The Johnny U Newsreel: HOLY FUCK, ANDY IS BACK

doo doot doot deet dot doo doo doot--
dee dee dot doot deet dah dee doot--

An Andrews W. Cope sighting?!

...

...

Sexy beards in the world of high finance?!?!

...

...

HOT MONKEY AUTOFELLATIO??!!??!!!!!

This just in--

[Will Andy ever post again, EVER?]

You heard it here first on the newsreel. It was only a matter of when, and when is now. Catch it all here.

[Is this the comeback story of the year?]

Of the century, quite possibly.

[Michael Thomas on IMDB? And gay?!]

Yes and Probably.

[Will Dancing with the Stars suck a huge dick?]

Our primate friend says it all.

[Is the JUBL really hosting a facebook tourney pool?]

Yeah, and if you haven't joined already, kill yourself. Do it.

Until next time, when there'll be more 1318% accurate headlines from your favorite website and most trusted news source...

...THE JOHNNY U NEWSREEL

Excuse Me While I Eat This Guy...

It is with a humble heart that I say “hello”. It has been a very long while since I have contributed anything to the great and honorable JUhS (and even longer since I contributed anything worth anything more than 8 seconds of your time). Many a day has passed since an Aperture hatched itself on the Johnny and many a person may have said “it’s for the best”. However, my personal human mind awareness being has encountered a few things since my last visit. I have had to battle many a personal demon and done quite a bit of soul searching. Some things took hold of me and I needed to pry myself free. It took time. It took energy. It took time and energy. It took me returning to the Truth, my faith and my family. Finally, with hope, prayer, persistence and tears, I changed.

At last, I had fled the darkness. I am here, back again. I have shed the evil skin of laziness. I have overcome the leprosy of being tired. I have broken the fever of mindlessly Facebooking and MySpacing all day. And, I have pretty much caught up on my “Arrested Development” watching. Coo-coo-ka-cha! Coo-coo-ka-cha!


I was like an ostrich who had run to throw his head in the sand, avoiding all human contact. Choosing not to pleasure others but rather to play with myself....hm...

I want to apologize to all readers out there for the lax attitude I have taken towards such an important pillar of the world (that’s right…the world). There are so many of you who turn to the JUhS for your daily entertainment, escape, enlightenment, enhancement and episodic elevation. There are so many of you who turn to the JUhS for your daily news updates (it IS like 1318% accurate…every time). There are so many of you who turn to the extremely dedicated and hardworking Dads: Derek, Michael Thomas/Jade and Andrew for your daily affirmations that the world offers better things than violence, greed, hate, “Dancing with the Stars”, Nickelback, Little Man, and, of course, John Buccigross. You…no…WE have so much to thank the Dad’s for that a bucket full of doubloons and some oiled up coeds could never approach our debt to them.

As a means of appeasing and paying the debt of my absence, I offer you this: THE TRUE STORY OF THE BIRTH OF THE JUhS. I remember the day on the JUBL Court (when it was merely “the court”) when the idea of a blog was hatched. Shortly there after, 4 objects fell from the stars to the 4 corners of the earth. Scientists, the media and world leaders covered it up and no one knew a thing. But we did…somehow….not really sure how…but we did. But what were these objects? We threw our inquiries towards the scientists, the media and world leaders and they told us they were “a combination of falling stars and/or meteors and/or leftover pieces of the Space Shuttle Columbia”. However, they were lying-ass liar pants just lying to us. Much like the dudes from Voltron (minus 1) we scattered to the ends of the earth and learned the ways of these machines (that we found, by the way). We decided the machines would best be used for blogging and somehow THE JUhS WAS BORNED. Daily, the dudes known as the Founding Dads would churn out entries for the masses. Sometimes employing a shotgun approach to blogging by just throwing out massive quantums of fodder occasionally hitting the genius bullseye. Other times, it was as if Moses himself was chiseling the world-wide-web with a typewriter made of gold and Godiva chocolate. In the beginning we were like David Freeman trying to pilot Max: we could kind of keep the ship levitated just enough to bump into shit inside the NASA hanger. However, before long we were zipping through time and space with a cute little alien on our shoulder singing Beach Boys.

There was an immense amount of responsibility placed up the shoulders of us dudes and ¾ of us have carried that burden. For over a year now, Derek, Michael Thomas/Jade, and Andrew (as well as numerous special contributors) have carried the JUhS on their backs like soldiers carrying dead dudes. And before this turns into another JUhS birthday entry, I just wanted to say: “I’m sorry” for abandoning my post and for my utter failure to the world.

However, I am rededicating myself to this cause and to this family of JUhS Dudes. I will be here on those days when you’re sitting in your cubicle all bored and stuff. I will be here on those days when you wake up hung over from the night before wondering what the news in the world of music or movies is. I will be here when there are updates in the struggle between man and fish. I will be here. Period. Mostly because of house arrest. I will be here with my fragmented sentences, typos, virtual abortion of grammar, misuse of punctuation and overuse of “…”. I only hope that you can soon accept me back as a Founding Dad and that my Founding Dads will hold in their arms again…slowly letting their arms slide down my back to the curves of my ass and proceed with a playful cup and a pinch. I know it will take time and I expect nothing...but...I will be here.

So watch out, assholes. Andy’s back.

Welcome to the JUBL 2007 Facebook NCAA Tournament Pool

Welcome. We're honored to announce the Johnny Utah Basketball League (JUBL) is hosting its very own Facebook pool for this year's NCAA basketball tournament. If you decided to join us, we're certain you've already made the best decision of 2007, possibly of all time.

If you clicked that link on the left side of the Facebook pool front page, cool. It works. Good. Thanks for stopping by. If it's your first time at the Johnny Utah Symposium, feel free to look around. We hope you like it and stuff. And if you've been here before, welcome back. How are you? Cool ... yeah. We're fine. How's [work/school/panhandling/stripping]? Good, good. OK, stop standing around and help us welcome some of the new people.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, you have absolutely no shot at winning this pool. Don't get us wrong, we're sure you'll pick some awesome brackets. Unfortunately for you, the Johnny is all about winning. In fact, we've never really lost anything. Ever. So I'm fairly sure one of us will win, even if it means kicking you all out before the final four. Fair warning.

Seriously though, don't let that get in the way of your picks. It's only a game. Go wild. And you may want to consider a 2-15 upset (or is it time for a 16 seed to advance?). It's been a strange year.

Good luck everyone. And happy March.

Are you in the 0.007% of the population that doesn't have Facebook? Want to participate anyway? Email the JUhS at thedudesblog[-at-]yahoo[-dot-]com and let us know. We probably won't not sell your information to marketers.

Fed Chairman: "My beard is splendid, and without equal"

MEMORANDUM
FROM: THE OFFICE OF FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN BEN BERNANKE
TO: THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
SUBJECT: MY BEARD

Fellow Citizens of the United States,

Fear not, our economy is chugging along just fine. Even as I write this message to you, Tuesday's small "issue" has already been resolved. I assure you, the Federal Reserve Bank is on it like Chinamen on a railroad. Apologies, Asian-Americans. All right, bad example. Haha! Oh my ... even boring Fed Chairman Ben has a chuckle every now and then. My point is, you don't have anything to worry about. Please refer to any of the mainstream media outlets for verification.

Today, I'm writing this memo for an entirely different reason. Namely, because my beard is splendid, and without equal.


Make no mistake, I'm not ordinarily one to boast. I don't presume to assert that my beard is the best. I merely state that it is magnificent. And also without peer. There just isn't another quite like it.

Look at how finely chiseled it is. So full and manly. So evenly distributed and perfectly trimmed. Only a beard as masculine as mine deserves to control the free world's economic and banking systems. And you know, females love the salt and pepper look.

This artist's rendition almost does it justice. Almost. Speaking of justice, my beard is stronger and fuller than Larry Justice's beard. And that's saying something. Quite a lot, actually. I challenge you to find any beard on this list even remotely approaching mine. It simply does not exist.

I'd match my beard against any other famous beard in history. Karl Marx? Pffft. Damn Communist. I've got something for you Karl. It's a little system called Capitalism. You may have heard of it. It's sort of my thing. Oh, and your beard doesn't hold a candle to mine. In fact, mine is so strong and praiseworthy, it could literally hold a candle aloft if properly positioned. Das Kapital? Das kiss my ass.

Fidel, I have to admit ... I respect you. You, the last bastion of a dying breed. I don't mean Communism, I mean ye of the awesome beard. For that I hold you in the highest regard. But I will never back down, you son of a Red whore. Consider this a challenge, mano-a-mano (or should I say, barba-a-barba?), for bearded supremacy.

In conclusion, America, your well-being and comfort is in safe hands. Strong hands. Hands attached to arms which are in turned connected to a torso, from which sprouts a neck. And this neck is bearded. Heavily bearded. I don't go in for that neck-trimming fashion. That's gay.

Give me a neck beard, symbol of the free world.

Give me the beard of a free thinker.

Give me the beard of a liberator.

GIVE ME...


Godammit. Nevermind.

Just forget this ever happened. I'm going to jack up interest rates so high you'll yearn for the days of my beard's reign. Where's my Remington...

May all your beards be full fall out,
BB

DEREK 360: Dancing With The Stars Preview

Hello everyone.

I love dancing. I love sexy dancing, classic dancing, dancing that involves food, food that can dance, ballet, tap, jazz, hip-hop, Mayan, Aztec, Sumarian, Hula, pop'n-n-lock'n, hyphy dancing, crunk dancing, pole dancing, stripping, the dancing you do on the line when you're completely blasted out of your mind and the officer asks you to walk straight, ceremonial dancing, Jewish dancing, dancing that involves a lot of jumping, skanking, gettin' low, grinding, freaking, bumping, dry humping, dancing with animals, dancing animals, dancing around issues, dancing around me writing the rest of this article-

Oh...I got off track there but I'm back. I apologize. So, as I was saying, I love dancing and there is really no television show that is a better outlet for my dance love than Dancing With The Stars on ABC. It is just so exciting to see all these awesome (and totally relatable) celebs dancing their way to the championship. So today I am going to preview the upcoming fourth season of DWTS by going through the list of new celebs and analyzing them. Oh yes.


Dancing With The Stars: Season 4 Contestants:

1. Laila Ali
Laila is an undefeated chick boxer and the daughter of Muhammad Ali. Because Papa Ali is (for some reason) just about the most beloved man in all of sports history, she is definitely one of the more "famous" people in this cast. I know that's scary. I'm sure her "sting like a bee" genes will do her a lot of good on the dance floor as she manipulates her softball player's physique in outfits that will not be flattering or appropriate on someone of her...stature. She has the potential to be a ridiculous chick oaf and make an ass of herself or she has the chance to dance herself into the final rounds (pun intended). She's hard to call.

2. Billy Ray Cyrus
Awwwwwwwwwww shit. Look who's back in the good graces of the American public. Billy "Achy Breaky Heart" Cyrus has wisely been keeping a low profile the last decade. He's on a show called Hannah Montana which, with a name like that, has to be absolutely awesome. Something tells me that Billy's dancing skills have atrophied in the same way his hit song writing skills have, so I don't see him making it to the end.

3. Clyde Drexler
Clyde fills the obligatory sports figure role on DWTS. He was nicknamed "The Glide" while in the NBA so I'm sure the producers expect that gliding ability to transfer over to some skill on the dancefloor. Unfortunately it was probably a nickname he gained, not on the basketball court as orginally thought, but in the many whorehouses that dot the fringe of downtown Portland. If it were Bangin' With The Stars or Playin' One on One With An Aged NBA Superstar That May or May Not Have The Clap he would be set, but in this contest he will not be the second coming of Emmitt Smith. He will lose.

4. Joey Fat One
Joey Fat One is a member of the now blown up boy band, NSYNC. He is not a porn star (yet) despite the obvious ease with which his name could transition into that realm. He is not the gay dude and he is not related to Mark Wahlberg. He has never had sex with Cameron Diaz but he may have given head to the writer/director of My Big Fat Greek Wedding (That's pure speculation...but when Fat One is on set, things happen). I guess he did some "dancing" when he was in NSYNC but I think he was always one of the lamer (lamer is being used here in the sense of a dying horse...not an uncool individual) ones who got stuffed in the back. He's an enigma, but I don't see him winning this thing.

5. Shandi Finnessy
Who the hell is this person? She's a former Miss USA so she's probably on board to fill the "hot ass" requirement. If she can dance even a little bit she can win...because people love hot ass. According to ABC.com she's also the host of a Gameshow Network show called Playmania. I'm sure that show is awesome. I've got a great feeling about this chick (and thats without even google image searching her name).

6. Leeza Gibbons
Leeza Gibbons is one of those disgusting entertainment journalists that cover celebrity weight fluctuation, create hybrid couple names and preview second rate reality television shows...

She also can't spell her name for shit and my gut tells me to call her Sleeza...and Sleeza's can't dance. She's losing.

7. Heather Mills
Heather Mills was, at one point and time, married to Paul "I'm Bullshit" McCartney. ABC is making a big deal about the fact that she is the first DWTS contestant to have an artificial limb. I think that's great too, except for the fact that you kinda need two good (and real) legs to dance your way to the top of the celeb dancing pile, so it'll be an uphill battle. She is missing one of her legs below the knee and she is also "famous" for her landmine awareness and prevention programs. Irony? She'll get all the attention at first until it's revealed that wheelchairs and limping are frowned upon. At that point she'll bow out gracefully to pursue "her causes".

8. Apolo Anton Ohno
Just typing this shithead's name makes me wanna vomit. He's a speed skater and he'll probably go all the way to the end. "OHNO? OH YES!" will become a nationally embraced catchphrase and this three named jackass will finally become the star he was destined to become five Olympic medals ago. Somewhere some place someone will make the incredible point of how disturbing it is that people are glued to a show about washed up has been "celebrities" dancing in a competition that is reigned over by the host of America's Funniest Home Videos while the Olympics, a legendary international matchup of might and will that dates back to Zeus, barely registers as a top ten program in the Neilsen ratings anymore. This point, however, will not register with anyone because they will all be watching DWTS.

9. Vincent Pastore
This dude is famous for playing a character named Big Pussy on The Sopranos. He is overweight. He will probably be extremely self-disparaging as the judges (dance experts) rip him a new one week after week before finally booting him off the show. He's comic relief in the form of a lovable big dude. He will lose. Maybe after this he can be on the inevitable second season of Armed and Famous.

10. Paulina Porizkova
This chick is a model. She's good looking so she has a chance to go all the way. She is, according to ABC.com releasing a book in the Spring so I guess she's a model/author now. Yeah, that's totally ridiculous. She is not the foolish model chick who is dating James Blunt. That chick is different...and really, really, really foolish.

11. Ian Ziering
It is pronounced EYE-AN. This joke was a member of the cast of Beverly Hills 90210. He's taking the pathway layed out before him by the brilliantly bald Joey "Whoa" Lawrence. The path of a completely washed up former television actor who is now busy "producing" films while weighing the pros and cons of dabbling in softcore porn. If he performs like Mr. Lawrence he may earn the chance to go back to doing what he's doing now...nothing. DWTS is not a springboard to fame (just ask that chick with the breasts who won the first one), it's a celebration of famous people figuring out that they have a talent and then nurturing that talent to fruition.

The final two will be Laila Ali and Apolo John Anthony Ohno with Ohno winning, as not even a solo dance by Ali's dad is enough to sway the voters. It will be emotional. It will be real. It will be brilliant.

It will suck. Real bad.
-Derek