The JU(H)S Goes West: Michael Thomas heads to the land of $3.50 a gallon

"You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like. Welcome to the layer cake son. "
-Layer Cake

Here we go, folks. The adventure begins. Tomorrow me and Juhs fan Danny Jordan head off to Los Angeles. We have internships at this year's Los Angeles Film Festival. We're not getting paid for our hard work, because we're simply peons, but we've got ambition, creativity, and no opposition to the casting couch. Since I'm moving there, you may ask: "Have you ever been to California?" The answer is no, but I have heard nice things.

I don't really know what to expect. I have money to burn, a couch to crash on, good job opportunities, and the wearwithall to fall on my face a few times.

Pretty much I want to take this time to thank my fellow JU(H)Sers Derek, Andy, and Andrew. It's been a strange year since post-graduation. May 2005 to May 2006 was frustrating, maddening, disapointing, satisfying, gratiyfing, and awesome. I wouldn't have survived it without you guys. And I'm mainly speaking to Andy and Derek here. Andrew you were in New York most of the time, therefore not as special. However, you were still pretty tits in your own right.

Dear Readers, in the coming weeks expect short and sweet updates regarding my travels. Times are about to get interesting for the men of the Johnny U. You'll want to be there every step of the way.

Here now for your pleasure is a sweet picture of the founding fathers of the Johnny Utah Symposium, minus Andrew Salvoni:



Take it easy, friends.

DEREK 360: OH SHIT!

Oh no.

This, my friends and neighbors, is the beginning of the end.

Well no. The beginning of the end was when Dancing with the Stars was the leading television show in the ratings. What I am about to discuss is like step two of the beginning of the end. Step two of the end or something.

Come along with me if you would. Let's go to Utah. A state known for mormons, multiple wives, plateaus, and now...BUBONIC MOTHER-FUCKIN' PLAGUE. That's right. The Bubonic Plague is back in a big way and it is eradicating mice and other rodents inside the Natural Bridge National Monument area. The Natural Bridge National Monument (NBNM) is that awesome rock bridge that marks pretty much all things Utah-ian and now it is tainted with the smudgey grossness of BUBONIC MOTHER-FUCKIN' PLAGUE.


The campgrounds surrounding the NBNM have been closed and will be put through rigourous degermification processes. Humans typically contract the BLACK DEATH from fleas that have contracted it from filthy rodents carrying it. Exterminators are going to go in and try to kill all of the fleas. Trouble is, if only one of those fleas escapes. Maybe joins a traveling flea circus or something. Well then we will have the beginnings of THE BLACK DEATH round two.

Note: The Bubonic Plague can be treated and defeated with modern medicine.

This is bad.
-Derek

JUBL: Game 6

Another riveting game was played between Andy, Mike and Derek on Monday evening. The game was played at a secondary location. This change in scenery did not affect the level of competition displayed by the athletes.

GAME SUMMARY:
The beginning of this game was marked with complaining. Andy complained about having to pee. Derek complained about Michael's tardiness (he was eating some dinner) and Michael complained about taxes. The three men put away their petty problems and began the game. The game was a quick one with all three players staying relatively close to one another for the first few possessions. Michael quickly began to dominate however. His display of mid-range jumpers and forceful inside moves was occasionally interrupted by mini-runs from Andy and Derek but in the end Michael's offensive prowess brought him a "W".

WINNER:
Michael

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-1.33
Michael-1

In a post game interview Michael had this to say: "I'm just happy to have more points than Andrew."

Yeah.
-Studerino

Mike and Derek Ruin A Movie

*NO ONE AT THE JUHS FEELS BAD ABOUT BLOWING THE LID OFF THE BLOCKBUSTER FILM OF THE SUMMER. WHY? BECAUSE LITERALLY NO ONE SHOULD BE EXCITED TO SEE THIS MOVIE*

Hey, guys. Check out who shows up for a surprise cameo at the end of FAST AND THE FURIOUS - TOKYO DRIFT:















Oh. You're upset?
Oh. Eat shit.

-Mike and Derek.

"Your pastel striped vest looks like shit."

First we had 311 Vs. Scott Stapp.

Now we have this.

Don't move Hilfiger's drink. Don't do it.
-Derek

JUBL: Game 5

Andy, Mike and Derek got together earlier today for some JUBL basketball action. The weather conditions were ideal and all three men seemed to bring their "A" game to the court.

GAME SUMMARY:
This game was a gripping display of competition...for the most part. Mike ran into some bad luck in the early goings but continued to bounce back. He had a strange hopping-while-dribbling thing going on that seemed to be working for him from time to time. Andy and Derek were making shots in their normal customary ways. Derek through jump shots and fade aways and Andy through acrobatic moves to the basket. The game remained competitive throughout but in the end it was Derek who sealed his first JUBL victory of the year with a long jumper.

WINNER:
Derek

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-1.33
Michael-0

Gripping. Just gripping.
-Studer

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


I am back. I've been pretty pissed off at this "blog" recently. All this fuckin' bullshit about the JUBL and shit-ass music reviews. The whole thing has gotten really pedestrian and really fucking worthless. I contemplated quitting the Symposium for good but then I saw that drivel the supposed "founding dads" were producing and knew it was up to me, a true artist, to save this sinking ship. Seriously though. Fuck Derek, fuck Michael, fuck Andy and fuck Andrew. You guys need to get your shit together or some bad shit is gonna come to pass. Fuck.

So i'm back with my thoughts on some upcoming movie releases. Let's fuckin' do this.

The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift
The plot of this awful shit is simple. Some shitty guys drive some cars in Japan. The trailer shows some cars and some chicks in little skirts and some dudes high fiving and shit. The TRAILER looks like a pile of shit. A fucking pile of shit. I went to Coachella a couple weekends back and Paul "I'm gay" Walker tried to kiss me. I don't think he's in this fuckin' Tokyo shit but I have nothing else to say about it so take it or fucking leave it. I'd leave it.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Mission Impossible 3
Mission Impossible 3: Mission Impossiblest is coming to our cinemas. Oh wait, it's already there. Shit. Well, I still think it looks like a bunch of burnt ass. I'm just gonna throw this out there. I am not a Tom Cruise fan. I, to be more precise, fucking hate him. There was a movie about a hundred years ago that we were both trying to star in. We were fucking going in and meeting with these fucking casting vampire fucks and giving them all these fucking readings and shit and just fucking doing all this fucking bullshit to get this role. It was between me and Tommy and in the end that mother fucker got the part and I didn't. It worked out though because I wound up meeting Rick Rubin and getting my music career off the ground, and music is my true fuckin' passion. Oh, the movie was Cocktail. I can't fuckin' believe I didn't get that. Even now. Fuck Tom Cruise and fuck Bryan Brown too. Fuckers. The TRAILER for MI:3 just looks like every other overdone action epic released these days. It's all very offensive to me. I've really lost my fucking train of thought here. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a fucking man though.

Thumbs Down.
Half of one star (because Phil Hoff is a man).

Little Man
Alright. I know what you fucks are thinking. Vince, do you hate everything? Are you really that fucking bitter? Are you really writing this or is someone else writing it while stealing the incredible popularity of your identity? Do you ever like any movies other than your own? To answer you fucking kids, I do love some movies. I, like you fanboy faggot fucks, do get excited about some movies and Little Man is one of these movies. The premise may seem a little but fucked. A fuckin' dwarf masquerading as a baby to retrieve some treasure. If you look past that premise though you can really see that this is gonna be a movie that explores some issues that have been ignored in Hollywood for too long. Just study the TRAILER. No director has ever had the fuckin' stones to even joke about a grown man/woman fucking a baby and this looks like the movie to break through that barricade. It's all very exciting. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be a formulaic gimmick-ridden urban comedy. Yeah.

Thumbs way up (unless it sucks).
Four fuckin' stars (")

It's nice to end on a high note. Fuck this "blog" though. Seriously.

-Vincent Gallo

Let's watch movies: Havoc

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Havoc. Havoc stars Anne Hathaway, the always reliable Bijou Phillips and some Latin dudes.

Havoc is about a group of girls (with the focus being primarily placed on two of them) who become so bored with the safe suburban world that they live in that they decide to go over to the "bad side" of town and hang out with some bad ass Latin dudes. The Latin dudes are drug dealers and they live a fast and dangerous lifestyle that gets Bijou and Anne a wee bit excited. Things escalate when the ladies go to a shady hotel room and ask to become "a part of the gang". Oh yeah, the Latin dudes are, of course, in a gang. The Latin dudes are totally cool with the idea of them joining the gang but their is an initiation. The initiation is that the girls each roll a single dice (or is it a die). Whatever number they roll is the number of awesome Latin gang member dudes they have to fuck. I think all at the same time or something. Anne rolls a one and good old Bijou "I'm a dirty slut" Phillips rolls like a 15 (I don't remember). So from there things get out of hand. Anne turns into a prude (after displaying her nude bod for like the eighth time in the movie...not complaining) and refuses to fuck the one dude she was supposed to fuck. Bijou however is all about it. She starts fucking some dudes and, what a surprise, she has a bad time. The Latin dudes let up and let the chicks leave. The chicks then blow things out of proportion and say the Latin dudes raped them. Actually I think Bijou's the only one that flips the script on the Latins but I don't remember. From here things escalate even more when Anne's "I wanna be black" boyfriend gets involved. I don't remember the ending. I don't know if I was watching. This movie sucks.

The point of this movie was clear. It was trying to serve as a cautionary tale to parents and to kids. To parents it is trying to tell you to watch your kids. If you think they may be sneaking off to East L.A. for a fiesta then maybe it is time to intervene. To kids it is telling you to NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH DRUG DEALERS WHO ARE IN GANGS. That is a life you stumble into, not a life you seek out. Just say no and stuff.

Let's do like a pros and cons thing here:

+PROS+
+Anne Hathaway's boobs
+The realistic depiction of Latin gangs (cough cough)

-CONS-
-Basically everything
-Bijou Phillips has got to be on the cons despite being naked for the majority of the movie. She just sucks.

I give this film a 3.31785 out of 10
-Derek

Johnny-U Album Review: 10,000 Days

Fellow JUhSers,

Before I can review this album for you, I feel I must explain where I fit within the realm of popular music. Let's put it this way: If rock was a school, I'd be in the special ed class.

This was not always so. In my heyday, circa Freshman and Sophomore years in college, I attended an astounding variety of live shows (including Tool in San Antonio during their Lateralus tour) and illegally downloaded multiple gigabytes worth of mp3s. Since then my level of rock IQ has atrophied significantly. I am grossly dependent on Michael's suggestions (Death from Above 1979, Arctic Monkeys, etc...) and Derek's mix tapes (Feel Good Rock Roll Vol. 1 & 2). I've been listening to a decent mix of those, Hardin Sweaty and the Ready To Go, and Coheed and Cambria for the past few months. Although my musical tastes have adjusted over the years, I'm still the same person who grew up on early 90's rock and, later, the metal stylings of Metallica, Pantera, and Tool.

Each new Tool album has been a momentous event. As a band, when you make the decision to release only one new album every four years, it's best that you adhere to certain standards. In other words, you better make it worth the damn wait. Tool, overwhelmingly, has done so. It's hard to believe that a band with only four full-length releases in the amount of time they've been around has garnered such a following.

In my opinion, Ænima must act as the yardstick against which all of their new releases are measured. I'm a huge fan of Undertow, but I believe Ænima is Tool's crowning achievement, fully embodying their style and maturity as a band. On this basis, I was disappointed with Lateralus at first. I still believe it's a spectacular album, but for me it did not live up to the staggering expectations inherently created as "the follow-up to Ænima." Standing alone it is amazing, but in the context of Tool's greater repertoire, it does not rank highly for me.

10,000 days gets much, much closer.

The album begins with the first single, "Vicariously." It is far superior to "Schism" - a song I don't particularly enjoy. It's your classic seven minute Tool tune, and it rocks pretty hard. I'm not going to use this space to analyze songs or opine as to the inner meaning of the symbolism because, really, I don't give a shit. I don't care if you're singing about daisies and lollipops, as long as the song rocks. I will say this: Maynard's lyrics in this album are extremely straightforward. He flirts with the literal for much of the album. This was completely unexpected, especially after the apparent direction the band was heading with Lateralus, but it's actually very refreshing.

I was taken aback at first - how could Tool release something so simplistic? The guitar riffs are back to the basics, reminiscent of much of their work in Undertow. The softer, trippier songs are melodic and don't particularly push progressive rock boundaries. I think Tool said to themselves, "we can still make badass rock songs - they may be long and weird as hell, but they're gonna fucking rock, and they're gonna fucking keep you interested." In a way, they're in direct opposition to one of their ongoing themes ("be patient...") with the adoption of this (relatively) direct approach to songwriting. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just used to Tool's style, but I have the feeling this album will meet greater popular success as a result, without sacrificing any artistic integrity.

Getting back to the review, the first two tracks ("Vicariously" and "Jambi") are badass rock tunes. The next two, sister-songs "Wings for Marie (Part 1)" and "10,000 Days (Wings Part 2)" are softer, flowing, and punctuated with some stunning crescendos. They make up a two-part tribute (of sorts) to Maynard's mother, so they consist of pretty heady material. Once again, the lyrics aren't overly symbolic. Once again, I'm a fan.

"The Pot" reverts the album back to it's hard rock core, performed in the same vein as "Hooker with a Penis" and "Ticks & Leeches." Oh, and the bass line is fucking badass. "Lost Keys (Blame Hofmann)" and "Rosetta Stoned" are a connected intro & song about aliens and LSD. Cool. "Intension" is another trippy seven minute tune. If you liked "Disposition" and "Reflection," you'll like this one. "Right in Two," effectively the album's conclusion, is another badass song. If you made it this far, you deserve it, too. It's another straightforward commentary on how mankind wastes it's gifts fighting about useless shit. I wholeheartedly agree - the topic couldn't be more pertinent.

In conclusion, I like 10,000 days. A lot. It's a welcome respite from the copious amount of shitty rock music out now. It doesn't quite reach the same heights as Ænima, but I've only had a week to let it sink in. My initial feeling is that it doesn't quite acheive the same scope or cohesion. However, time will fit the album in it's correct place. If nothing else, it demonstrates that Tool is still moving forward creatively, still making entertaining music, and still remains a relevant force in the watered-down metal scene.

-Andrew
"Proud JUhS member since 2006!"




Tool says: "Enjoy our new album, bitches!"

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Team,

It is that time once again. What time is that you ask? What time is it? Stupid Person Time.

Today I present you guys with more of a stupid organization. I would love to narrow this down to one totally stupid person but I'm afraid the stupidity can only be pinned to an entire group. That group is the bumbling crazies that work at NASA. The new plan over at NASA is to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. This probe will create a crater and will then send back readings about the surface of the moon and water levels and a bunch of other scientific stuff that is very un-stupid. I know this all sounds pretty awesome and if we find that the moon has some water under the surface we can then colonize a righteous good moon town but I'm afraid it's not as simple as that.


Let me break this down.

We are going to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. When this probe hits it will create a collision so violent it will be visible from Earth. From there the moon will fucking break in half and begin to split into smaller bits and chunks. These chunks will then fly all around the solar system bouncing into planets like Earth and...Earth. Entire continents will be turned to nothing and after one particularly nasty collision with a massive moon chunk the Earth will shift off of its axis and the atmosphere, gravitational conditions, climate, and structure will become totally fucked. The Earth will then begin to float aimlessly through space until it gets a wee bit too close to that big yellow thing in the center (the sun) and burns real, real bad. Everyone on Earth who didn't already get smashed by a moon boulder will be burned alive. It will suck bad. The absence of Earth, coupled with the additional moon bits floating through space will cause major changes to the universe's makeup. The planets (and this is over the course of hundreds of years...our species is burned and smashed and dead) will begin to fall out of place and slowly collide into one another like one of those things on a really stereotypical pyschiatrist's desk. That thing with the bouncing balls. Take out the balls and replace them with planets like Mars and Jupiter and then add in lots of space pollution as huge pieces of planets are broken off and begin to float trough space bumping into other things. Alien species will learn to dread our galaxy and will call it "Galaxy Shitty". It will become (and we're talking like a bunch of millions of years from now) an awesome outpost prison facility where all these different alien criminal dudes are shipped to "do some time". They'll get life in "Shitty" and then eventually one dude will break out and become a really rad space pirate and then he will eventually gather enough strength to break out all of the other prisoners in "Shitty" and in Moses-esque fashion he will lead his prisoner army on a crazed war path of pain and killings as he overtakes the major government of outer space (I don't know much about them...sorry). This space pirate Moses dude will then become "King of Space" and will rule space with a fair hand. He will permanently close down "Galaxy Shitty" and will (using awesome technology that we can't even comprehend...because we're kind of stupid) eradicate it completely. All that will remain of the spot where Earth sat will be nothing. The spot won't exist.

Do we want this chain of events to begin? I, for one, am not really ready to be smashed by moon rocks or burned alive by the sun. Come on NASA, don't be stupid.

They're not going to be launching the probe until 2009, so if there is anything you've been putting off doing I would do it.

NOTE: I know nothing about science.

-Derek

JUBL: Game 4

Mike, Andy and Derek met last Sunday for an exciting game of basketball. The game was the fourth of the still young JUBL season and was held at an undisclosed loaction.

GAME SUMMARY:
I can't lie. This game took place a week ago and it wasn't really that memorable. There weren't any tremendous plays or awesome moments. It was relatively competitve for the first few possessions with each man matching the other point for point. From there Andy took over and continued his hot streak with another JUBL win. I recall Michael wanting to give his own write-up about his performance in game 4 and I welcome him to do so in the comments section. I'll do better on the summary next time. I promise.

WINNER:
Andy

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-.33
Michael-0

This season appears one-sided.
-Stude

Michael Thomas Has Opinions #2

I can't remember the last time I posted up on the ole' Johnny U. Did I last leave off with a shoddy political statement or wax intellectual with a dead baby joke? It's difficult to keep track of my mediocrity, and I appreciate my fellow JUSers who consistantly put up good work while I tread water.

I've been a busy boy, world. What with my community theatre play, a tenative visit to LA, and utter lack of originality, I've not been able to update with any regularity or zeal.

But I still have opinions. Here are a couple:

SILENCE IS GOLDEN:

I caught Christophe Gans' SILENT HILL last Sunday with the inimitable Derek Rundgren. It was my choice, and I was nervous. The last movie I picked was the Paul Walker shitfest RUNNING SCARED, and I feared a repeat of that unfortunate affair.

SILENT HILL is 50% awesome and 50% intolerable. The visuals were amazing (imagine Tarsem's THE CELL with shittier lighting, effective design, and actual restraint), but the story was atrocious. I'm not quite sure what was going on, even though a good portion of the film was devoted to unnecessary exposition. It would have made a great silent movie.

The script was written by Roger Avary(co-writer of PULP FICTION, writer/director of KILLING ZOE and RULES OF ATTRACTION), and I was surprised at how lazy and unfocused it was. Avary's work is generally streamlined and concise, but he was either overwelmed by Gans' ambition, or too enamored with his own vision to generate a decisive product.

In the end, SILENT HILL is a movie overloaded with bloat and brimming with misopportunity. But it also contains some of the most searing CGI images yet produced, and I respect the bold attempt at an open ending. See it if you feel the need.

IT IS NOT TOO SOON FOR ME:

I hope I get a chance to see Paul Greengrass' UNITED 93. It's not an experience I plan to enjoy, but it's something I feel I need to do. My level for the heroes of 9/11 is high. The firefighters, police officers, New York citizens, and the passengers of Flight 93 were the very embodiment of the American spirit . I am humbled by their sacrifice, and devastated by the choking reality they faced.

If anyone can do UNITED 93 right (and the reviews say he did), it's Greengrass. His first feature BLOODY SUNDAY is remarkable, and THE BOURNE SUPREMACY is one of the most intense movies of the decade. Paul Greengrass is a powerful filmmaker, and the appropriate choice to bring 9/11 to the screen.

Check out this great interview with Greengrass over at CHUD:
http://www.chud.com/index.php?type=interviews&id=6524

ONCE AGAIN, FUCK AMERICAN IDOL:

I know I'm repeating myself, but with the AMERICAN IDOL season in full swing, I feel it's time to reiterate a few points:

If you watch AMERICAN IDOL with regularity, if you talk about it at work the next day, or if you watch the nightly news just for the IDOL updates, I doom you tied to the nose of Flight 93 as it performs it's vertical dive toward the Pennsylvanian farming district.

That would wipe out my immediate family and a third of my co-workers, but action needs to be taken.

Who the hell do you people think you are? There's a war going on, there's baseball to watch, there's 600 different Law and Order shows to catch up on. You want to spend your Tuesdays and Wednesdays listening to bubblegum pop and wretched singing? Turn on the fucking radio, or read a goddamned book. You don't need to subject your body to this crap and convince yourself Simon's quips are the epitome of high drama. AMERICAN IDOL is cruise control for the masses, and the road is getting dangerous.

Don't you realize that Carrie Underwood is just a whore that can sing to scale, Clay Aiken is as special as that gay kid who played Tony in your high school's production of WEST SIDE STORY, Ruben Studdard nothing more than a fat tub of Jell-O poop, and Justin Giannnniiinnniii a Carrot-Top clone? Kelly Clarkson gets a free pass because she didn't know any better, but the rest of those assholes have blood on their hands. And so do you, motherfuckers.

OKAY, I'M SORRY FOR THAT LAST SECTION. LET'S ALL BE FRIENDS AGAIN, AND CONNECT THROUGH THE POWER OF MUSIC:

I don't know what the general consensus is on today's music. I'm generally out of touch with what the kids are listening to these days, as I only listen to U2 cover bands and Radiohead b-sides.

But I dig those ARCTIC MONKEYS. Here's a cool little video made from their kick-ass song VIEW FROM THE AFTERNOON. Enjoy, and I'll be back again soon.

Through the Aperture of Andy: "Come out with your hands up and titties out!"

Hello children. Let's take a look at what we have today:

NOW SHOW US THEM TITTIES!

Ladies! Would you show this man your bazongas?

What if he knocked on your door saying he was a doctor offering free door-to-door breast exams on behalf of the local hospital? That's what happened in one Miama, Florida neighborhood. Phillip Winikoff, a.k.a. The Awesome Dr. Hooter Handler, is the suspect pictured above and is an awesome 76 years old. He has been charged with sexually assaulting two women in their 30s after being invited in by the women to check their breastaseses. However, one woman became suspicious after "Dr." Winikoff started giving her genitals a thorough looksy without putting on rubber gloves. (I'm guessing her nether regions looked clean so he didn't think he needed them...and that this woman thought it was an all inclusive breast exam?!) The prude lady called the cops and reported Winikoff.

Winikoff was arrested after trying to expand his practice in another neighborhood. A spokesman for the local sheriff''s department had this to say about Winikoff: "Winikoff was not a doctor. He worked as a shuttle driver for an auto dealership." That just adds to the awesomenacity of this dude. Although he's creepy and perverted. And a sexual criminal. (Ok, he's not THAT awesome). But he still looks like the man.

I'm not saying I support sexual assault or anything like this at all, but LADIES! Come on now! An old man, looking like that, hell...forget physical appearances! IF ANY man comes to your door saying he's offering free breast exams: YOU DO NOT LET HIM IN! Use some good...or ANY judgement.

However, a dude coming to my door looking like the man offering to feel me up...I'd probably let him in also.

(Dr. Feel Ya Good)

COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! ...HELLO?

Ahhh. Oklahoma City Police Department. OKCPD. Or is it OPD? Not sure. It doesn't matter. Anyway, after sitting for SEVEN HOURS outside a home involved with a drug investigation, the police decided it was the right time to make a move even though they had had no contact with anyone from inside the house. Units at the scene called in the tactical team, who subsequently made the entrance into the house. They made their entrance only to find: no one was there (cue the trumpet and the "WAH WAH Wah-wah-a-a-a-a").

Good work boys. I guess this was the Keystone Unit of the OKCPD...EFAHDS.

(Benny Hill Theme in Full Effect!)

That's it for today. Just some nifty quick hits.

And that's the world through the Aperture of Andy...them breasts looking firm and clean.

JUBL: Game 2, Game 3

Three of the JUS dudes met on a rainy Thursday for a couple more games in the still young Johnny Utah Basketball League season.

FIRST GAME SUMMARY:
Andrew, Andy and Derek met at an undisclosed location this past Thursday. Michael was unable to attend the double-header. The weather was wet and muggy, but the temperature was cool and the conditions were pretty great overall. Andy and Derek got out to quick starts while Andrew lagged behind complaining about "being out of shape" and "how much his legs hurt". Andrew was really never a factor in the first game though his always aggressive defensive style was shown from time to time. Andy and Derek fought it out down to the final bucket with Andy coming out on top for his second consecutive JUBL win.

WINNER:
Andy

SECOND GAME SUMMARY:
In the second game of the double-header the men involved decided to change up the rules. For those of you who are not familiar with the three man competitive basketball game "21" the rules are simple. The first man to reach 21 points is the winner. Each made basket is 2 points and it earns you a trip to the free throw line where you are given the opportunity to shoot up to three free throws. If you miss a free throw the ball is then up for grabs for the other two dudes playing to rebound. One of the things the JUBL dudes are not very good at is free throws. Because of this a large part of the strategy involved in JUBL games revolves around people purposefully missing free throws by bouncing them hard off the backboard to hopefully get the ball back and acquire another possesion.

Whoa...that was kind of confusing. The point is that for the second game of the double-header Andrew, Andy and Derek decided to outlaw purposeful missing. This would mean that no one could do the crazy bounce the ball off the backboard really hard thing. This would prove to a be a big mistake.

The game began like any other. Andrew was reborn offensively in the second game and was scoring with greater ease. Andy and Derek were scoring well also. Andy blazed ahead at one point using his reliable slashing skills and went to the free throw line with the chance to win the game. He made his first free throw giving him 20 points. He then missed his next one. From here the dudes playing had to consult the official JUBL rule book about what would have to happen. The reason for the confusion is because in order to win you have to have 21 points and after ending up with 20 with no way to get 21 (there are no one pointers remember) Andy was basically screwed. The rule book said that Andy had to keep shooting and that with his next made basket he would return to having 11 points.

This explanation sucks.

At this point Derek and Andrew, surged with confidence about Andy being screwed by his own free throw skills. They too reached the summit and they to wound up with 20 points because they could not hit pivotal free throws.

This game went on forever. It was tragic. All of them reached the 20 point plateau again and Andy even reached it a third time. All three men began to lose their energy for the seemingly unwinnable contest and eventually the game was called on account of a mistake in rule changing. In the end it was decided that the three men would split the points from the game and each would get .33 points. Derek and Andrew were thrilled about this ruling because it would effectively help them to "get on the board" and Andy was pleased because it kept his winning streak alive at 3 games.

WINNER:
No winner due to a mistake in rule changing.

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-2.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-.33
Michael-0

That was laborious.
-Stat Dude

Through the Aperture of Andy: Spitting Fire (Did I s-s-s-tutter?)

**This is a special, spur of the moment Aperture. Warning - contains unusually offensive language from Andy. Just a warning as Andy turned red in the face and just began typing. Thank you.**




You know what I can't stand? Fucking liars.

About a month or two ago Sportscenter put the spotlight on one Jason McElwain, an "autistic", high school basketball team manager. In the closing minutes of a game, in which his team was losing and ultimately lost, Jason was given some pity playing time by his coach. He played four minutes and, like a pimp, sank six 3-pointers. Pimp status quickly faded after this kid got his own stupid Sportscenter segment/report and was shown being carried off the court on the shoulders of his classmates with his deformed, pubescent face all big and stupid. Now, I know I would probably look just as stupid were I to be carried off a court all excited like. But...I'm not a fucking liar.

The report was filled with interviews of Jason's parents and coach crying. It showed his classmates talking some stupid shit and our dear, "autistic" Jason spitting out stupid shit. Stupid shit like "I was on fire." and then smirking and sitting there filled with a vomit-inducing, smug ass look on his face and this attitude that he was "the shit". Just to recap: Jason claims he has autism. Having autism does NOT yield you "the shit" status.

Definition of autism (as defined by Houghton Mifflin): A psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.

Ok, so let me get this straight. The kid is maybe dyslexic. He stutters and mumbles. Maybe he likes shiny things and is shy a few IQ points. I don't think these are things that keep him from being an average basketball player. Shit, most athletes are practically borderline retarded...intelligence wise. Let's face it: Jason sucks at basketball. Just like most of us. So, the kid was rightfully the team manager. The coach felt sorry for him and put him in and the kid gets a lucky streak going. He's not the poor soul with down syndrome who is the awesome team manager that everyone loves. THAT would be an incredible story! No. This kid, in all his camera time and interviews exhibits NO noticeable symptoms. He goes unguarded in the last minutes of a game. Where his team is getting destroyed. Where the other team, as Derek JUS points out, has put in their equivalent...the 3rd string bench warmers who have as much playing time as "J-Mac". They're stuck guarding the "retard". Shit. The kid wishes he was a retard. But yeah. Who wants to guard the special ed kid? So the kid has wide open looks and gets lucky. Then, the kid thinks he's the fucking man??? WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

I've never been more pissed off at the tv in my life. And now, today I open up my Yahoo! Homepage and what do I see? The headline: "Autistic hoops star scores movie deal". Oh my sweet crap! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Here's the link. Check it out.

That's going to be the most awful movie since Corky Romano. The movie's going to end with this want to be "disordered person" making some 3-pointers and his team still losing the game! WHAT?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! No check that. Hollywood will saw off one of his legs, give him an eye-patch, AIDS, say his father abandoned him at birth when he learned the kid would never speak, and for some reason give him the speaking skills of an ape with mush in his mouth. And then his ugly ass parents will make fat bank off of him. Just look at his parents. The dad is gangly as hell. The mom is just plain ugly and passed on her burn victim good looks to her annoying ass son. This kid better enjoy what he's getting now because in time he'll be revealed as a fraud. He's as "retarded" as some high frat asshole.

I'm telling you. The kid's not even disordered. We've all seen Rain Man. Maybe Jason's "savant talent" is tickling the twine. Which would be awesome. But this kid isn't awesome and he's not that lucky. I'm dead serious. The kid's a fucking liar. Fine...maybe he is autistic. I think this kid is barely autistic. If this is true I'm proposing that we get rid of autism as a disorder. Now, I know there are people with serious disorders. They will be reclassified with a new disorder. However, Jason and people like Jason will no longer receive special treatment.

He'll no longer be Jason: "the basketball team manager because he has autism". He'll be Jason: "the team manager because he can't hack it day in and day out". He'll be like the rest of us. Admit it. Would YOU want someone to make a movie of you? How fucking boring would that be?

So to sum up. Fuck this kid. He's an asshole and a liar.

And that's the world through the aper-aper-aper-ture of Adyn. Definitely. Defintely Andy.

Through the Aperture of Andy: From the Files Of....

Hey Hey. Hello my JUhSers. Sorry I've been away. I'm going to purposely ignore comments made by one Andrew (JUhS) and just get on with it:

From the files of: "Whatever Happened to...?" I bring up these once all-to-famous names...!

Nikoloz Tskitishvili - NBA Forward

2002 - #1 Draft Pick (5th overall) of Denver Nuggets.
2005 - Declared Free Agency
2005 (uhh later than previous 2005) - Signed by Minnesota Timberwolves

Career Averages - 3.0 Points/Game, 1.8 Rebounds/Game, 0.7 Assists/Game, 0.3 Blocks/Game, .303 Field Goal%

Where is he now: Traded to Phoenix Jan of 2006 where he is constantly laughed at by the injured Amare Stoudemire, who was still on the board when Denver chose Tskitishvili. But, his allergies are enjoying the dry, aridness of the Phoenix deserts.

Overall...NOT AWESOME! #1 pick?! Think Denver is kicking themselves for NOT picking Amare Stoudemire, Tayshaun Prince, or...shit...even Dan Dickau (all of whom were drafted after darling Nik). In all truth. This guy sucks. He never did anything to actually deserve this recognition or spotlight. ...Except be born "Nikoloz Tskitishvili" and have his name called out a lot on NBA Live (bang boom, whatcha gonna do?)



Darryl Kile - Major League Baseball Pitcher

1993 - Pitched a freaking no-hitter for the Houston Astros
2000/2001 - St Louis Cardinals pitching staff ace
2000 - 20 Game Winner for St. Louis Cardinals
3 Time All-Star

MAN! After putting together an awesome early career, struggling after being traded to Colorado, and then putting it back together in The Lou you'd think this dude would still be kicking some ass in the Majors. But no.

Man. Whatever happened to Darryl Kile?




....oh

From the Files of: "Separated at Birth"...

One is a 9-time All-Star, World Series MVP, multi-Cy Young winner, and is approaching 300 career wins as a pitcher in Major League Baseball. The other is a 4-time WWF/E Heavyweight Champion, 6-time WWF Tag Team Champion and has a perfect 14-0 Wrestlemania Record. They are the New York Mets' Tom Glavine and professional wrestler The Undertaker (a.k.a. - Mark Calaway, a.k.a. - The Phenom, a.k.a. - American Bad Ass, a.k.a. - Kane...sometimes).

However, few people know that they are actually twins abandoned at birth and separated by adoption. Look it up. Most sources will tell you that Tom Glavine was born on March 25, 1966 and that Mark Calaway was born on March 24, 1965. This is incorrect. Mark was born at 11:59 of March 24th. Tom was born at 12:01 March 25th. So, that part is correct. However, at the age of 17, after making the decision to become a professional wrestler, Mark was forced to lie on an application about his date of birth. He merely rolled back one year on his year of birth to 1965 so that he could meet the requirement of being 18 years of age to enter an amateur wrestling match in hopes of impressing some professional scouts. The rest, as they say is history.

I submit these photos as proof. Of course, Mark is much larger as he started a very rigorous weight lifting/weight gaining program. He also took assloads of 'roids. Tom, however, is al-natural. See for yourself...



Pretty amazing, huh?

Here's this picture they took together after "big brother" Mark convinced Tom to join him in some wrestling fun:




It's uncanny!!!

Oh man! Well...that's it for now. You will surely find this pleasing to your....eyes.

And that's the world through the aperture of Andy!!!

Basketball is back.

The founding dads of the Johnny U are not only the spokesdudes of our time. They are also athletes. Kick-ass, non-sucky, nimble, talented athletes. For the past couple summers these great men have played in a recreational basketball league that they themself created. It is the Johnny Utah Basketball League or JUBL.

Throughout the on-again-off-again-we-can-only-play-when-we're-not-busy-doing-other-important-things basketball season we will give you guys updates on the games that take place. We know that this information is totally worthless to the general public, but we just don't care.

The innagural game of the 2006 JUBL season was played this past Sunday.

SUMMARY:
Andy, Michael and Derek came out to the undisclosed sun drenched outdoor court of their choosing (Andrew was undoutbedly busy doing blow in a bathroom stall somewhere in New York City). Derek leapt out to a large lead but soon became fatigued due to a mixture of him being an out of shape bitch and the extreme heat. Michael and Andy were soon neck and neck with Derek. Michael through the strength of his fifteen foot set shots and Andy through his majestic slashing skills overtook Derek before they too began feeling the raw power of the elements. Derek fought back and came a basket from winning before Andy used drive after drive to reach point number 21. 21 and a victory.

WINNER:
Andy

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-1
Andrew-0
Derek-0
Michael-0

You all love it.
-Stat Dude

DEREK 360: Things you need to know

It's time once again for me to spill some knowledge for you guys. Impress your friends and coworkers and kids with these mighty fine facts.

KNOWLEDGE #4
Date My Mom is a fucked up disaster of a show.

Please forgive my harsh language but the television show Date My Mom on MTV is just obscene. A dude goes on three "dates" with three chicks' moms. After these "dates", which are chock full of straight-up-disgusting innuendos and double entendres. The moms and daughters have these bullshit pre and post date "candid conversations" that are so staged it makes me wish someone would step on my neck. Here's a sample:

MOM: Hi honey, I'm home.
DAUGHTER: Hi, how was the date?
MOM: It was great, we went to a car show and then we went topless.
DAUGHTER: WHAT MOM (obviously exaggerating her reaction)??
MOM: It's ok honey, we were just rising in a convertible.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
Fucking pathetic.

Then at the end of the show the three moms get together with the dude and they have a four way sex mess. No, they don't do that (at least not on camera...ersh), instead they meet on a beach or some other stock location and then the dude picks, based on the moms, which chick he wants to date. It's just a real mess.

I could pontificate on how shitty it is for a few more paragraphs but i won't. Just trust me.

KNOWLEDGE #5
Top Gun sucks.

I'm gonna keep this one concise. Top Gun is a bad movie. A really bad movie. Kenny Loggins is a bad ass and everything but not even his righteous tunes can rescue this overrated pile of shit.


I invite all of those who disagree with the above knowledges to comment.

Trust these things, for they are fact.

-Derek

HAPPY EASTER FROM THE JOHNNY

HAPPY EASTER!


HAVE AN EGG-CELLENT DAY!

Tonight's Johnny-U Reading Assignment

Faithful readers,

If you care at all about baseball ... nay, about America and all mankind, you will read Chuck Klosterman's most recent Page2 article. You may have seen this on ESPN.com's front page, but it's a much more poignant experience when viewed through the U. Without further ado:

Click here for the link, happy?

-Andrew
"Proud JUhS Member since 2006!"