The JUhS Takeover Is Now (None days)

And so it begins.

The Takeover.

Let the goodness wash over you for just a few moments. We have a shiny new masthead now. All professional-like. Please continue to bask in it's orangey-red, mildly carcinogenic glow.

And there will be more. Oh balls yes. There will be more to come.

Don't think we've been building this shit up all month just to slap on a new header and call it a Takeover. More is, most assuredly, on its way.

There will be proclamations.

Proclamation One: The Johnny is metamorphosing before your very eyes. JUhS has always been the fucking awesome. You already knew that. But it's about to get the awesome in so many more ways. Which brings us to ...

Proclamation Two: The Johnny is now a multimedia empire. There will be videos. There will be musics. There will be arts. There will be reviews. There will be lore and myths. There will be poorly pieced-together jpegs. The written word is no longer enough to adequately deliver all we seek to convey. But we will not eschew it completely. For it is what brought us to this point, it is goodness, and will therefore continue.

Proclamation Three: We are the symposium. A collection of minds wielding powers previously unknown to the human species, given to us by an anonymous space-faring benefactor in the form of four objects. What began on an undersized basketball court in McKinney, Texas has spread across the globe. But the original binding purpose, the electrons weaving between neurons in our brains, transporting the thoughts which you see here now on this blog - this original electromagnetic spectrum/matrix (spectrix) of awesome - is no longer of merely physical proportions. Those thoughts now reside on the internets, an unfettered microcosm unhindered by time or distance, culminating in a crux that is the Johnny Utah Symposium.

If that didn't blow you the fuck away then just leave immediately.

Proclamation Four: There will be introductions. The Symposium consists of Four. The Founding Dad Dudes. One is for lonelies and crazies. Two is for pussies. Three is the magic number, but lacks philosophical magnitude. Four is for those who enjoy creating gifts of wonder and amazement, then coolin' out really, really hard afterwards. There are four Founding Dad Dudes. There are four Proclamations. Four is the new three. Four is the tits. These are the Four FDDs:

Andrew (JUhS)
Currently resides in London. Banker. Penned some sick pieces on Dannielllyyynnnnnn, among others. Runs the presidential election previews. Would never, ever think of posting on the Johnny from work. Once woke up next to a feather duster. Despises the French.

Andy (JUhS)
Currently resides in Dallas. Actor. Frequently compared to Russell Crowe. Our comparison: Gary Oldman with an axe to grind. Penned a classic on Fidel Castro. Up keeps the JUhS All-Stars. Once teabagged Andrew (JUhS) for falling asleep during Lebowski. FDD most likely to pose nude for cash.

Derek (JUhS)
Currently resides in Dallas. Ad Exec/Rock Drummer. Author of the seminal Derek 360 publication. Specializes in leaping in fronts internationally significant monuments. Dig Day founder. Member of hard rock super group Hardin Sweaty and the Ready To Go. Capable of growing the most balls hard beard you've ever seen.

Michael Thomas (JUhS)
Currently resides in L.A. Post-Prod/Writer/Miscellaneous Badass Hollywood Shit. Once morphed into a slimy three-foot pig. Will literally do anything, including taking a dump on stage in full audience view. After party blow job recipient. Rates movies with his boners. Pipe shimmier.

All of the Dad Dudes have swum in creamed corn. All of them have worn orange jumpsuits. All of them appreciate the musical stylings of Boston. All of them have fled coyotes in certain parts of the McKinney wilderness. All of them are master freestyle walkers. All of them have participated in the distinguished Movies of the Week. All of them post here, on the Johnny.

And please, let us not forget Wilbur Burris, from whence all of this came, and who, in his benevolence, guides us.

You have now been Tookover. Enjoy the ride. Hhhhot yyyyeah.

-The Johnny Utah Symposium

Coolin' (1 day)

The Existential Us is back from Paris, checking in on the Johnny once again. We/I/Us are/am/is busy getting situated for tomorrow's Takeover (note the handy countdown up above), so this will be brief.

Paris was everything we/us thought it would be. Pictures were snapped (Crazy Action Jumping and Faux Homelessness galore), museums were visited (except that pesky d'Orsay - closed on Monday), fake French accents were utilized, ridiculously hot French women were leered at, Quick Burgers were consumed, wine was smuggled, modern art videos were filmed, Le Catacomb was NOT visited, and French porn was NOT purchased (due mostly to lack of funds).

Rest assured that most of this wildly hilarious action will be hitting the JUhS screens in the not-too-distant future.

Until then, we leave you with this shot, which we/us feel sums up the trip quite nicely:


-Andrek Runvoni (JUhS)

One Sentence Movie Reviews with Michael Thomas (5 days)

HOT FUZZ is better than getting a blow job in the back of a 30-Year-Old Mormon's car during the LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE after party, and is the best film of the year so far.

5 out of 5 boners.

Derek Arrives, Finds Intrigue (6 days)

This post is a Johnny first, being written, that is, by two Founding Dad Dudes simultaneously. Now enjoy Derek and Andrew's musings, as they fuse together to become one existential voice, whatever the fuck that means.

Day one in foggy London town has been awesome. Everything was going so well, from the traveling to the sight seeing, that I was not prepared for the tragic and totally crazy headline I saw on one of the completely reliable street tabloids I was handed on The Underground this afternoon.

It speaks for itself.


Needless to say, I (we, Andrew & I, the royal we, the existential us) am/are/is on the case. We/I/Us need to find the head and the arms so we can ID this chick and solve this mutilation mystery.

Over and out.
-Andrek Runvoni (JUhS)

HOO-WEE!!! (7 days)

Hello hello hello there, peoples of the JUhS! It's everyone's favorite Whipmaster, back from a sabbatical of sorts.

I can't fully disclose all the details, but I will say this ... you didn't think our pal Derek was going on a Euro trip blind, now did ya? I may be a Whipmaster by day, but by night I'm a reconnaissance-mission performing bastard (and Whipmaster). And let me tell you, night vision goggles have ... alternate uses. Just ask the Whipmistress.

But I digress.

I won't take up too much of your time there, but I did want to let you in on a little secret. Not too long ago, I gave my journal a good kick in the ass. And wouldn't you know it, today's your lucky day! I've got a new post up, and it's a doozy.

I highly recommend you go HERE and give it a gander. You won't soon regret it.

Alright, that's enough of ol' Charlie for now. But don't fret - I'll be back to whip your asses up in no time!

¡Viva La Johnny!

-Whipmaster Charlie (JUhS)

An Open Letter to Edward Norton (8 days)

Earlier this week, the British media* ran a story claiming Edward Norton will portray Bruce Banner in next year's Hulk follow-up, The Incredible Hulk.

Almost immediately, I felt a snap somewhere in the back of my head. It hurt a little. I was vexed.


Umm ... Ed. Buddy. Brah.

What the fuck?

Seriously, what are you thinking? Did you not catch the first one? Don't expend the effort; it was a Piece Of Shit. Just walk away! Now, while you still can. You have a great career. We'll even forgive you for Death to Smoochy. Please, don't do this.

Sure, they got rid of Ang Lee, so we know it won't be another wearisome, overbearing atrocity. But hey, the same guys are running the show. And guess who they're bringing in to direct? A fucking Frenchman. You know how I feel about the French. I know this guy's got a career to look after (Transporter 3!), but believe me - he would love nothing more than to destroy yours.

You, Edward, one of the greatest American actors working right now. Then he'll fly back home, drink delicious wine, eat a baguette, and fuck some beautiful women. In other words, he'll be OK. And you'll be left there, dick in hand, wondering why Scarlett won't call you back.


Ehh ... who the hell cares anymore? Go ahead, make the fucking film. You'll be fine. We all know the real reason you're doing it, anyway:


Have fun getting stuck in a job you detest just for the payout ... like someone ... else ... I know. Wait, what?

[* Dark Horizons also ran this.]

Derek's European Adventure (11 days)

-CHEERIO!!
-BLOODY HELL!!
-LET'S RIDE THE MERRY LIFT TO THE TOPSY PARTS OF THE SHOPPE!!!
-G'DAY MATES!!

That's right! I'm going to Europe. On Thursday.

Right now it is time for a European fact attack. I've done an absolute shit ton of research to get ready for this adventure and I want to share some of what I've learned with you guys.

FACT ATTACK! TAKE COVER OR LEARN!

1. In England they use money called a POUND!
2. Europe is OLD!
3. England has a Monarchy. This has nothing to do with BUTTERFLIES!
4. Feudalism is the SHIT!
5. The buses in England have two LEVELS!

More fax to come!

Dannielynn Paternity Watch: LARRY'S THE DADDY (15 days)

Dannielynn here.

It's been a hectic few weeks since I last checked in with my JUhS friends. I'm trying to relax, but it hasn't been easy. Baby stuff, you know? It's a hard life. Teething, shitting myself, sucking down capirinhas in the Bahamas, washing up unconscious on the beach every morning with sandy diaper rash (Desitin motherfuckers!), snorting heroin mixed with my dead mom's and brother's ashes. Some heavy shit.

And things just got worse.


A hell of a lot worse. Turns out Larry Birkhead, after the requisite DNA tests and likely payoffs, is the daddy. And not the "Johnny Founding Dad Dude" sort of daddy. He's the "Steal All My Money And Leave Me In A Texas Trailer With My Ogre Grandma" sort of daddy. Just look at this guy.


You think he's that happy because he has a new infant in tow? Is that what you would do if you suddenly found out you had a kid? Fuck no. That's a "I'm fucking rich, you cocksuckers!!!" pose. What a douche.

But I'm not here for your pity. Oh no. I need some help again. I pledged in my previous letter that if Larry Dickhead was my dad, I would "find any means possible to end my suffering." That wasn't a joke. I'm gonna off myself quick, and I need your help.

I'm not growing up to be a nappy-headed ho. I'm just not. I know I've got options. What's it gonna be?

1) Hanging
Too cliché, and I can't tie ropes yet.

2) Gun to Head
Again, sort of trite. Not very exciting. Messy. Loud. Gotta be something better.

3) Pills
One thing I'm not is a copycat. Worked for Momma and Bro-bro ... but I won't touch the stuff.

4) Kamikaze
Not with today's airport security.

5) Self-immolation
Now we're talking.

6) Self-defenestration
Another ritzy choice, but I may have trouble reaching the window sill.

7) Seppuku (hara-kiri)
If I can't be a princess in life, I may as well have a samurai's death.

8) Dynamite in the Mouth
Messy. Loud. Kind of awesome.

I need to get this over with soon people. I'm open to suggestions.

Smooches,
Dannielynn

PS - HAPPY BELATED EASTER!
XOXOOOXOXOXOXXXOXOXOXOOOXOXOXO

DEREK 360: NICKELBACK EXPOSED! (16 days)

Hello friends,

I'm not going to waste any time on this one. Let's get to the point.


Let me present you all with an excerpt from the lyrical excellence that is Nickelback's new single, "If Everyone Cared":

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

Seems harmless right? Yeah I thought so too. Then, as it repeated for the 57th time inside the song's overlong three minute run time I realized that it is not harmless. It's a message. A statement on the way of life these Canadian imports are trying to impose on their pork rind loving fan base.

The first two lines are completely innocuous. They are solidly written on a 2nd grade reading level and are dominated by a stout rhyme scheme in the same style as a classic "star-car" or "bean-mean" rhyme. They represent Nickelback opening the doors to their awesome Maple Leaf mansion and saying "C'mon in! We've got all these pork rinds! Who will eat them?". You're drawn in by those lines (and rinds), and if you're not careful the next two lines will just slide on by your common sense filters and make a nest in your subconscious.

Stay sharp, because here comes the third line, "If everyone shared and swallowed their pride". Once again, seems harmless. However, it is obviously a statement dripping with a communist agenda. "Share everything you have and everything will be rad". In theory communism is a great idea...in theory.

So Nickelback are a bunch of beer drinking communists. We can get over that right? For these rockers? YEAH! Pass the pork rinds! Oh wait, there's one more line.

"We'd see the day when nobody died"

Huh?

So what they're saying is that if we adopt communism as our way of doing things no one will die? Like ever? What? I can only assume that not only is their some seriously RED blood flowing through their veins but that it also has traces of Satan. "Share your moneys and no one will die because we, Nickelback, have got a pact with the big guy downstairs and he'll just reach into the dirt and bring back your dead uncle". Millions of people are probably already trying to share everything they have in an attempt to make themselves undeadable. This is bad. Beware Nickelback.

Nickelback = Communist Satanists.

Johnny U Preview: Paris (17 days)

Hello everyone. I'm gonna keep this quick-like in a preview version because 1) I'm paying tourist rates out the ass for this internet connection, 2) there's about 700 museums to visit today and, 3) (and most importantly) Derek and I will be here in a few weeks anyway, after which we can give a much more awesomer and in depth sort of analysis you've come to expect from the Johnny.

Suffice it to say, Paris is pretty sweet. A little dirty, kind of smelly, and the residents are sort of punks -- but still, it's pretty sweet.

I'm here with my parents, so I feel like I'm not getting the full experience, so to speak. And they're getting on in age, so the pace isn't exactly up where I'd like it to be. They also get drunk after about two glasses of wine, after which it's like trying to walk down a busy street with two stumbling toddlers to look after. Loud, obnoxious toddlers. Not cool.

Anyway, like I said, a much more detailed report is on its way. Derek and I will have astonishing tales to tell, mixed with a pinch of disdain for the Europeans and a dash of debauchery for good measure. I know you're wet with anticipation.

-Andrew (JUhS)

P.S. - We here at the Johnny owe an apology to Mr. Mitt Romney. We looked down upon him for doing his Mormon mission in France instead of the Congo (or wherever). In retrospect, we were flat wrong. It seems Mitt had the right idea, that sly bastard. Paris is full of some tasty, tasty ass. After being stuck in London for the past six months, it's a welcome new perspective. More on this in the next report, as well.

A Couple of Propositions... (21 days)

1.) Sad Farewell

It's with a heavy heart that the Johnny is forced to say "good-bye" to Coach Mr. Coach Eddie Robinson. He overcame his middle name of "Gay" and became the first college coach to reach 400 wins and was the winningnest football coach of college football history (past and present...fyi - he's 2nd now...confusing, right? kisses). "Coach" (as he was often referred to, by worldly people of the earth and the Johnny Dads) was a great man coaching the Grambling State Tigers in the ways of football and life. He was so much the man that the Football Writers of America decided to name their award for the most balls hard and awesome football coach of the year the "Eddie Robinson Award". DAMN! The Grambling State football stadium is named Eddie Robinson Stadium. DAMN! Plus, he overcame his uncomfortable and unstable middle name (as stated before). DAMN!

So, it is here that I propose that the Johnny set-up some kind of award in honor of coach. Perhaps, a scholarship in his name for young kiddos who show promise but lack the moneys necessary to attend the Johnny U. University (Johnny U. U.), where kids learn to learn about the world and then report about it. What do you guys think?

In any instance, we'll miss you coach.












Eddie Gay Robinson (1919-2007)


2.) What Do You Say?

So, the news recently came out that Keith Richards, after being questioned about the weirdest thing he's snorted, claimed that he once cut some cocaine with the ashes of his dead father and partied. A spokesman for Mr. Richards later came out and said he was just joshing. Either way, this jumpstarted the gears in my head and ideas started to squirt out onto a plate where I sifted through them with my Johnny U. brand of directing wand (don't ask questions) and arrived at this one genius idea:

I propose, that heretoafter, the still alive and kicking Johnny Dads snort the ashes of each dead and cremated Johnny Dad. I mean we already share the same blood and needles, why not a little ashed body? Huh? Huh? Derek (JUhS) already said as long as he doesn't have to include cocaine in the ash, then, he's down. I told him I'm cutting mine with Comet.

Johnny Dads, let me know. World...let us know. Happy Living.