Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - Mitt Romney

Bear in mind this is an apolitical blog. The Johnny Utah Symposium neither supports nor opposes any of the following candidates. We make no contributions, monetary or otherwise, to any of their campaigns. Wilbur Burris is not a registered voter. We just call it like we see it.

You may or may not have heard by now, but on November 4, 2008 the United States is electing a brand new president. That's a mere 622 days away. That's less than 15,000 hours. Don't lose your shit just yet. This sort of thing tends to sneak up on people, so we won't blame you for falling behind. But seriously, it's time to get off your ass and throw down fisticuffs in the political arena.

The Johnny made a promise to you, its readers, to be even bigger and better in 2007. Allow us to make good on that promise by providing you with the know-how and weaponry necessary to become a formidable political warrior. Consider us the brass knuckles for your weak, pasty girl fists (think Clay Aiken). When we're done with this preview, you'll have rock hard man fists (think Rocky on steroids). With a sweet pair of brass knuckles. And when some election pollster wanders up to you on the street asking "Hi, which candidate do you support blah blah blee blah...", instead of stammering like a halfwit with a blank stare on your face, you can smash said pollster in the face and scream "OBAMA, YOU LITTLE BITCH! WHAT!?" And you thought politics was boring.

Instead of pummelling your face with a jackhammer and laying it out all at once, these will be released periodically. We'll shoot for weekly installments, but if you follow the JUhS at all you know how these things tend to turn out.

Alright, let's start this thing off with ... Mitt Romney.


First things first, Mitt is a fucking awesome name.

Mitt. Immediately evocative of baseball, the musky smell of glove leather, and all that is right and good in America.

Mitt. Fuckin' A.

Unfortunately, the list of positive things we have to say about the guy ends with his first name. This is not encouraging. Romney, as far as last names are concerned, is a poor follow-up to Mitt. His first name is like a Mavs-era Steve Nash lobbing up a perfectly placed pass near the rim waiting to be ooped. His last name is Shawn Bradley botching the play, missing the put back, and hustling back on defense before getting dunked on by someone two feet shorter than him. A poor follow-up.

Hey, guess what else he has in common with Shawn Bradley? That's right, they're both Mormon. But he's not just any Mormon. He did his missionary work in France. He's a French Mormon. First of all, if there are any two things Americans hate, it's Mormons and the French. So right off the bat we know this man can't be president. And secondly, why the hell are you doing your mission in France? You should be going somewhere badass and dangerous like Bolivia or the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Not France.

We have one more slight problem with Mitt. And you're gonna have to take this with a grain of salt because, well, he is a politician and all. But Mitt is a fucking liar. Let's take a look at a featured quote on the front page of his campaign website.

"America's greatest innovation is freedom. Without freedom, we have nothing. With freedom, nothing can hold us back."

Hmmhm ... that's funny. Mitt is opposed to abortion, stem cell research, gay marriage, and ... let's see here ... oh, and freedom. Sort of waters down that quote a little bit, doesn't it Mitt? You lying d'bag. Go back to Utah.

Badass first name though. We like where you're headed with that.

Romney for President, Inc. will begin airing television ads today in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Michigan and Florida. If you would like to contribute to his campaign, you probably weren't reading well enough. Start again from the top and read better this time.

UPDATE: Sorry Mitt, we have one more nice thing to say about you. Your wife is hot. Nice work, you fucking frog.