The Johnny YouTube Premiere

Hello readers.

Back, way back, when everyone got tookenover, we here at the JUhS promised a multimedia experience like none other. Since then, you probably thought that promise was bullshit. Well, I'm here today to tell you the promise we made is now being made good.

You may remember Derek coming over to Europe awhile back to see the sights, eat shitty English food, bag some Eastern European hunnies, and "take the piss" out of the French.

We also made a few videos, and this is one of them. We think you'll like it. Scratch that - we know you'll like it, shoddy editing notwithstanding.

Without further ado ... The Great Primrose Hill Roll. Enjoy.

HAPPY FUCKING FOURTH!

Summer revelations:

1.) LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD is the most out-of-its-goddamned-mind action film I have ever seen. 80 boners out of 5.

2.) Billy Corgan has returned to his Rock God status, but with a little less omnipotency than before.

3.) Committing yourself to a long-term relationship is not only incredibly rewarding, but really really really really really hard.

4.) HAPPY FUCKING FOURTH!

The Johnny or Porn?

This is the question I was faced with this evening ... because you know why? I have the internet again, and it's a thing of glory. It almost defies comprehension, but for the past seven months I've been without the internet at home. Seven months. It's like living in the medieval times, or prison. In fact, I'm pretty sure some prisons have a fairly regular internet connection. In my home that hasn't been the case. Until today. And I'm fucking stoked about it, you have no idea.

The Johnny has been deprived as of late. But for my part, given my new internets situation, I can promise you a little something more. I'm so excited, I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Alright, update time I suppose. Still living in London as you may or may not know. I went to Budapest last weekend. Two misconceptions: the Danube, as far as I could tell, was not exceptionally blue. Looked like any other river to me. Secondly, no one made any "I'M SO HUNGARY I COULD EAT A BORSCHT" jokes. Disappointing. Cool place though, I enjoyed it.

This weekend I have a trip to Amsterdam coming up. Just hold it right there ... I know what you're thinking. What I will be doing: biking and visiting the van Gogh museum. What I won't be doing: soliciting prostitutes and eating hash brownies. I promise. Come on people, I wouldn't want to lose my job...

...

More to report later, but believe me, the Johnny U is open for business. You love it.

-Andrew (JUhS)

To Anonymous: Go Fuck Yourself

Alright. So it's been awhile. But then I'm searching through the comments in AWC's last post and I stumble upon this little something:

"anonymous said...

RIP JUHS?"

Uhhhhhhhhh, what the hell is that about? Let's get this straight: I fucking hate anonymous commenters. If you aren't man (or woman) enough to at least put a face to your opinion then you're an unselfconfident douche. I'd turn off anonymous commenting but ... meh. Fuck you.

And then it's "RIP" ... like this blog has somehow died? Why don't you get on here and write something your damn self, anonymous? We're fucking busy. We're not dead; it's called a summer slowdown. It's not our fault there's nothing entertaining going on in the news. Aquatic deaths have been down. Celebrity idiocy is at an all time historical high. Paris is getting the job done right now ... you don't need us. We're supposed to be out there digging up the hot underground shit for you, not feeding you what you can get on the front page of CNN. You lazy cunt. Fuck you.

And another thing, even if the blog did die, there's a really, really high chance it'd come back to life. It's died before and it's been resurrected before. This is a long term investment. And sometimes long term investments don't pay dividends for a while. You know? But do you sell when the market's slow? NO, you fucking buy that shit up before it gets hot again. Otherwise you'll sit there with your fake Gucci wallet wondering why you're not in the game. Listen, just stay in the fucking game. Don't sell now. Just don't. Don't. Don't. Oh... oh, just... Fuck you.

And when we say Takeover, we mean it. If you're gonna go through with this and get tookover, do us a favor and stay tookenover. This can't be a monthly uhh, occurrence, alright? We commence with a takeover once, and that shit sticks. We have all these plans, sure, but it takes a while to put into action. There's lots of planning and organizing and reorganizing and creative-head-juice-squeezing involved. We don't just shit out entertaining posts (present post excluded) ... it takes foresight. OK? Fuck you.

.......

Umm, I forgot where I was going with this. I had grand plans for this post, but that all went to hell somewhere in the last couple of paragraphs. Ehh, I don't mean to let you people in on more than you care to know about me ... but I haven't really been getting any lately (with English girls, that's probably a good thing). Honestly, I'm a little stressed. So if I come off strong ... that's why. Anyway, the blog is not dead. The Johnny is not dead. Wilbur Burris is not dead. Quit your fucking complaining, anonymous, and create something with your life. Completely seriously, fuck you.

Flipping Out With the Johnny U.

We here at the JUhS love many things. Two of those things are baseball and flipping out. Seriously. Love baseball and flipping out. So, of course, we love it when the two combine. About a year ago Joe Mikulik gave us this. In what I believe to be an homage, Phil Wellman of the Atlanta Braves’ AA affiliate, the Mississippi Braves, gave us this amazing bit of flipping out:





Johnny Flipping Out Rating: 8 out of 10 Eggs Fried on Foreheads (tied for lead with Mikulik)

Now, after his amazing performance, Joe Mikulik was given the Johnny as an arena in which to come on and explain himself and let the public know a bit about him. So, in fairness, the Johnny caught up with Mr. Coach Phil Wellman after the game:

JUhS: Welcome Mr. Coach.
Phil Wellman: You can call me Philbo.
JUhS: Not doing that. Anyway, we truly appreciate your performance the other night. I believe it tied the Flipping Out Fried Egg record. What do you have to say?
PW: Well, personally, I believe that to be an unstable rating system, but I’m glad. I wish I could've done more to set a new record. Next time, maybe I'll whip out my package or something....take a dump on the bat boy...something special. I’ve been studying under Bobby Cox, who is about to become the most ejected man in baseball history. As well, I consider Lou Piniella a mentor and hero and I have his poster above my bed.
JUhS: Hm. We certainly appreciate your creativity you put into your performance, meaning the army crawl and grenade attack with the resin bag. What was your inspiration?
PW: Well, few know this, but I’m actually a Soldier of Fortune. I’m well connected and very dangerous and that was just a warning to the umpire that his family’s house will probably be firebombed. Did you notice my thoroughness in covering the ENTIRE plate with dirt? Too many dudes just kick some dirt on there. But I wanted to make sure that it was done right.
JUhS: We’re kind of scared right now. So, what’s on your iPod?
PW: I have a huge mix of stuff. Charlie Daniels, Europe, Daughtry, Triumph, Da' Brat, and my all time favorite, Al Green. That was actually my iPod getting blazed over the PA during my performance. I called up to the booth and told Teddy the PA man to cycle over to my "Smooth Jams" playlist and crank up the good Reverend. I figured it established a good dichotomy for my performance. I like to sometimes call up and tell Teddy the PA man to cycle to my "Booty Jamz" playlist and get some JT Money in the air. Get them bitches in the crowd to "shake dey fat azzes".
JUhS: Wow. You’re quite the enigma...and crazy. Well, thanks for your time Coach. And best of luck.
PW: Thanks, man. But seriously, we’re the revolution.

After he said that, some horses crashed through the walls of the clubhouse and Coach jumped into the sidecar of a motorcycle driven by a leather-clad dude with a spiked-helmet (I THINK it was Dan Aykroyd). Then, they all stormed off and all that was left was the resonating sound of Lloyd Banks being bumped from the boom box being carried by one of the horsemen. Truly a weird night.

The Johnny Gets Jealous

With the Texas Rangers' season already over (tease: FUTURE RANT TO COME!), the Johnny Dads need a new pastime.

Oh. Found it...

Darkon



We're already heroes.

"Wailing, teeth gnashing ... wait, where am I?"

Wow. If you liked Jerry at all ... um ... don't scroll down to the previous post.

Then again, if you liked Jerry you probably weren't reading this blog.

First of all, the Johnny and its affiliates can not and will not take responsibility for what happened today. Personally, I think he just took it hard when Newt broke things off. It was inevitable. Tragic really.

Now, this may be a tad more severe than, say ... a 45-day jail sentence. And I don't (necessarily) care to promote senseless death. But like they always say, it's not like he didn't have it coming.

Inasmuch, here's to one less idiot on the planet. Let's hope he's not reincarnated (it's un-Christian, anyway). And if he is, let's hope it's as something farther down the food chain.


In parting, some items Jerry may learn on his way straight to ... well, wherever it is he's headed now:

• The Earth is round



• The Earth orbits the Sun (the Revolution Machine theory)



• The Earth is more than 12,000 years old



• We sort of look a little like monkeys for a reason



• Michael Thomas (JUhS) once directed a one-act version of "Inherit the Wind"



• The movie was way better



• Religions other than Christianity exist



• Christian denominations other than Southern Baptist-ism (Baptism?) exist



• Countries other than America exist



• People other than Americans exist



• Those people most likely hated him



• Turns out the gays didn't cause the war in Iraq



• It was the Jews



• Not really, it was just Cheney



• Tinky Winky was the only straight Teletubby



• People who think things other than the things he thinks exist (or something)



• Church is boring

Jerry Falwell
RIP
1933-2007

P.S. - You're pointing the wrong way.

Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - Newt Gingrich

Bear in mind this is an apolitical blog. The Johnny Utah Symposium neither supports nor opposes any of the following candidates. We make no contributions, monetary or otherwise, to any of their campaigns. Wilbur Burris is not a registered voter. We just call it like we see it.

--A Day in the Life: Newt Decides to Run for President--

[Alarm sounds - digitized rendition of "God Bless America"]

[Newt hits the snooze button]

[5 minutes pass - repeat]

[5 more minutes pass - repeat]

[Another 5 minutes pass - Newt, in a fit of rage, throws alarm clock into wall - causes dent]

Newt: Fuuuuuck. I am tired. What the fuck am I gonna do today?

[Newt pulls flask from under pillow - takes swig]

Newt: Yes... *burp* ... hell yes.

[Newt takes Time magazine from night stand]


Newt: I am so ... awesome. Honey, look at this. Look at how awesome I am. Honey ... honey look.

Callista: [half asleep] I know baby ... I ...

[Newt dead-legs his wife]

Newt: Bitch, get up! Time to check for lumps! Shirt off, arms up!

Callista: [fully awake] Baby, we did this yesterday ...

Newt: Do I need to remind you about our little contract?

[Newt consults Contract with Wife, Third Edition displayed on night stand]

Newt: Honey, you know I can't be president if you've got the cancer. Come on, get 'em out.

[Newt checks his wife for breast cancer - finds nothing]

Newt: Clean. Good. You're good.

[Newt begins singing "My Humps"]

Callista: Baby, you know I get upset when you do that. Please, that joke is so played out.

Newt: [singing] ... my lovely lady lumps ... check it out!

Callista: New-new...

Newt: Honey, shut up, you know it's all in the contract. [taps on contract] You know what? It's time. Today I'm going to announce my candidacy.

Callista: Newton...

Newt: It's for the good of America. I'm running for president.

Callista: Are you sure that's such a great idea? Maybe you should stick to writing for a while.

Newt: I'll be running against a fake Republican who lives with the gays, Cancer McCancer-face, and some Mormon named Mitt.
I. Can't. Lose.

Callista: [pause] I want a divorce.

Newt: Fine. I was cheating on you anyway. Come on, Jerry. Let's go.

[Jerry Falwell jumps out of bedroom closet - completely nude except for throw pillow]

Jerry: Newt! Jerry! 2008!

Newt: Hells yeah!

Jerry: Hallelujah!

[They high-five - Kiss - Freeze frame]


SCENE.

Happy FYA Day

Today is May 1st. May Day to some. Labo(u)r Day to others. "Fuck You America" Day to all. As if this differs from any other day on the calendar.

What once was a festival for pagans to prance around phallic totem poles has eventually devolved into a celebration of the working man, socialists, and anarchists. How something can sink below jumping around a giant, leafy wooden dick is beyond me, but there you have it.

I don't know what it's gonna take, but sooner or later the socialists need to realize it isn't fucking working out. You can whine and moan all you want about how America is the reason for all your problems. Or, you can take it a step further like Hugo Chavez and nationalize what little remains of your country's privately run oil companies. It's May! Fuck You America! How symbolic.

Not that I'm waxing apologetic for Big Oil (the fuckers). It's a topic that has been covered in this space before. However, I prefer my evil, faceless, autonomous corporations to fuck me via the free market system. ExxonMobil is like having the discomfort of an extra large dildo in your ass. But at least they have the courtesy to lube up first. Hugo is dry-fucking his country. And the dildo's red. With Che's famous logo emblazoned across the base.


You know what? Fuck all those know-nothing Che idolizers too. Dude's been dead for 40 years. You think all the fourteen year olds wearing his merch have any idea who he is? And I still have to see his righteous, revolutionary mug all over t-shirts, messenger bags, belt buckles, wallets. Wallets?! If that isn't irony at its base level, I don't know what is.

Here. Put this on a fucking t-shirt.


He's dead. Move on. I know he was a hero in Latin America. I'm all for rising up against oppressors when all other options fail. Our constitution was drafted to protect that very freedom (a freedom of which the NRA very frequently reminds us). But honestly, if you think dudes like Chavez and Castro aren't fucking you just as badly, then I don't know what to tell you.

Most of all - more than all this political bullshit - I hate May Day because everyone else in Europe gets the day off while I have to sit here at work. Fine. The pinkos win. For once, I'm jealous.

The JUhS Takeover Is Now (None days)

And so it begins.

The Takeover.

Let the goodness wash over you for just a few moments. We have a shiny new masthead now. All professional-like. Please continue to bask in it's orangey-red, mildly carcinogenic glow.

And there will be more. Oh balls yes. There will be more to come.

Don't think we've been building this shit up all month just to slap on a new header and call it a Takeover. More is, most assuredly, on its way.

There will be proclamations.

Proclamation One: The Johnny is metamorphosing before your very eyes. JUhS has always been the fucking awesome. You already knew that. But it's about to get the awesome in so many more ways. Which brings us to ...

Proclamation Two: The Johnny is now a multimedia empire. There will be videos. There will be musics. There will be arts. There will be reviews. There will be lore and myths. There will be poorly pieced-together jpegs. The written word is no longer enough to adequately deliver all we seek to convey. But we will not eschew it completely. For it is what brought us to this point, it is goodness, and will therefore continue.

Proclamation Three: We are the symposium. A collection of minds wielding powers previously unknown to the human species, given to us by an anonymous space-faring benefactor in the form of four objects. What began on an undersized basketball court in McKinney, Texas has spread across the globe. But the original binding purpose, the electrons weaving between neurons in our brains, transporting the thoughts which you see here now on this blog - this original electromagnetic spectrum/matrix (spectrix) of awesome - is no longer of merely physical proportions. Those thoughts now reside on the internets, an unfettered microcosm unhindered by time or distance, culminating in a crux that is the Johnny Utah Symposium.

If that didn't blow you the fuck away then just leave immediately.

Proclamation Four: There will be introductions. The Symposium consists of Four. The Founding Dad Dudes. One is for lonelies and crazies. Two is for pussies. Three is the magic number, but lacks philosophical magnitude. Four is for those who enjoy creating gifts of wonder and amazement, then coolin' out really, really hard afterwards. There are four Founding Dad Dudes. There are four Proclamations. Four is the new three. Four is the tits. These are the Four FDDs:

Andrew (JUhS)
Currently resides in London. Banker. Penned some sick pieces on Dannielllyyynnnnnn, among others. Runs the presidential election previews. Would never, ever think of posting on the Johnny from work. Once woke up next to a feather duster. Despises the French.

Andy (JUhS)
Currently resides in Dallas. Actor. Frequently compared to Russell Crowe. Our comparison: Gary Oldman with an axe to grind. Penned a classic on Fidel Castro. Up keeps the JUhS All-Stars. Once teabagged Andrew (JUhS) for falling asleep during Lebowski. FDD most likely to pose nude for cash.

Derek (JUhS)
Currently resides in Dallas. Ad Exec/Rock Drummer. Author of the seminal Derek 360 publication. Specializes in leaping in fronts internationally significant monuments. Dig Day founder. Member of hard rock super group Hardin Sweaty and the Ready To Go. Capable of growing the most balls hard beard you've ever seen.

Michael Thomas (JUhS)
Currently resides in L.A. Post-Prod/Writer/Miscellaneous Badass Hollywood Shit. Once morphed into a slimy three-foot pig. Will literally do anything, including taking a dump on stage in full audience view. After party blow job recipient. Rates movies with his boners. Pipe shimmier.

All of the Dad Dudes have swum in creamed corn. All of them have worn orange jumpsuits. All of them appreciate the musical stylings of Boston. All of them have fled coyotes in certain parts of the McKinney wilderness. All of them are master freestyle walkers. All of them have participated in the distinguished Movies of the Week. All of them post here, on the Johnny.

And please, let us not forget Wilbur Burris, from whence all of this came, and who, in his benevolence, guides us.

You have now been Tookover. Enjoy the ride. Hhhhot yyyyeah.

-The Johnny Utah Symposium

Coolin' (1 day)

The Existential Us is back from Paris, checking in on the Johnny once again. We/I/Us are/am/is busy getting situated for tomorrow's Takeover (note the handy countdown up above), so this will be brief.

Paris was everything we/us thought it would be. Pictures were snapped (Crazy Action Jumping and Faux Homelessness galore), museums were visited (except that pesky d'Orsay - closed on Monday), fake French accents were utilized, ridiculously hot French women were leered at, Quick Burgers were consumed, wine was smuggled, modern art videos were filmed, Le Catacomb was NOT visited, and French porn was NOT purchased (due mostly to lack of funds).

Rest assured that most of this wildly hilarious action will be hitting the JUhS screens in the not-too-distant future.

Until then, we leave you with this shot, which we/us feel sums up the trip quite nicely:


-Andrek Runvoni (JUhS)

One Sentence Movie Reviews with Michael Thomas (5 days)

HOT FUZZ is better than getting a blow job in the back of a 30-Year-Old Mormon's car during the LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE after party, and is the best film of the year so far.

5 out of 5 boners.

Derek Arrives, Finds Intrigue (6 days)

This post is a Johnny first, being written, that is, by two Founding Dad Dudes simultaneously. Now enjoy Derek and Andrew's musings, as they fuse together to become one existential voice, whatever the fuck that means.

Day one in foggy London town has been awesome. Everything was going so well, from the traveling to the sight seeing, that I was not prepared for the tragic and totally crazy headline I saw on one of the completely reliable street tabloids I was handed on The Underground this afternoon.

It speaks for itself.


Needless to say, I (we, Andrew & I, the royal we, the existential us) am/are/is on the case. We/I/Us need to find the head and the arms so we can ID this chick and solve this mutilation mystery.

Over and out.
-Andrek Runvoni (JUhS)

HOO-WEE!!! (7 days)

Hello hello hello there, peoples of the JUhS! It's everyone's favorite Whipmaster, back from a sabbatical of sorts.

I can't fully disclose all the details, but I will say this ... you didn't think our pal Derek was going on a Euro trip blind, now did ya? I may be a Whipmaster by day, but by night I'm a reconnaissance-mission performing bastard (and Whipmaster). And let me tell you, night vision goggles have ... alternate uses. Just ask the Whipmistress.

But I digress.

I won't take up too much of your time there, but I did want to let you in on a little secret. Not too long ago, I gave my journal a good kick in the ass. And wouldn't you know it, today's your lucky day! I've got a new post up, and it's a doozy.

I highly recommend you go HERE and give it a gander. You won't soon regret it.

Alright, that's enough of ol' Charlie for now. But don't fret - I'll be back to whip your asses up in no time!

¡Viva La Johnny!

-Whipmaster Charlie (JUhS)

An Open Letter to Edward Norton (8 days)

Earlier this week, the British media* ran a story claiming Edward Norton will portray Bruce Banner in next year's Hulk follow-up, The Incredible Hulk.

Almost immediately, I felt a snap somewhere in the back of my head. It hurt a little. I was vexed.


Umm ... Ed. Buddy. Brah.

What the fuck?

Seriously, what are you thinking? Did you not catch the first one? Don't expend the effort; it was a Piece Of Shit. Just walk away! Now, while you still can. You have a great career. We'll even forgive you for Death to Smoochy. Please, don't do this.

Sure, they got rid of Ang Lee, so we know it won't be another wearisome, overbearing atrocity. But hey, the same guys are running the show. And guess who they're bringing in to direct? A fucking Frenchman. You know how I feel about the French. I know this guy's got a career to look after (Transporter 3!), but believe me - he would love nothing more than to destroy yours.

You, Edward, one of the greatest American actors working right now. Then he'll fly back home, drink delicious wine, eat a baguette, and fuck some beautiful women. In other words, he'll be OK. And you'll be left there, dick in hand, wondering why Scarlett won't call you back.


Ehh ... who the hell cares anymore? Go ahead, make the fucking film. You'll be fine. We all know the real reason you're doing it, anyway:


Have fun getting stuck in a job you detest just for the payout ... like someone ... else ... I know. Wait, what?

[* Dark Horizons also ran this.]

Derek's European Adventure (11 days)

-CHEERIO!!
-BLOODY HELL!!
-LET'S RIDE THE MERRY LIFT TO THE TOPSY PARTS OF THE SHOPPE!!!
-G'DAY MATES!!

That's right! I'm going to Europe. On Thursday.

Right now it is time for a European fact attack. I've done an absolute shit ton of research to get ready for this adventure and I want to share some of what I've learned with you guys.

FACT ATTACK! TAKE COVER OR LEARN!

1. In England they use money called a POUND!
2. Europe is OLD!
3. England has a Monarchy. This has nothing to do with BUTTERFLIES!
4. Feudalism is the SHIT!
5. The buses in England have two LEVELS!

More fax to come!

Dannielynn Paternity Watch: LARRY'S THE DADDY (15 days)

Dannielynn here.

It's been a hectic few weeks since I last checked in with my JUhS friends. I'm trying to relax, but it hasn't been easy. Baby stuff, you know? It's a hard life. Teething, shitting myself, sucking down capirinhas in the Bahamas, washing up unconscious on the beach every morning with sandy diaper rash (Desitin motherfuckers!), snorting heroin mixed with my dead mom's and brother's ashes. Some heavy shit.

And things just got worse.


A hell of a lot worse. Turns out Larry Birkhead, after the requisite DNA tests and likely payoffs, is the daddy. And not the "Johnny Founding Dad Dude" sort of daddy. He's the "Steal All My Money And Leave Me In A Texas Trailer With My Ogre Grandma" sort of daddy. Just look at this guy.


You think he's that happy because he has a new infant in tow? Is that what you would do if you suddenly found out you had a kid? Fuck no. That's a "I'm fucking rich, you cocksuckers!!!" pose. What a douche.

But I'm not here for your pity. Oh no. I need some help again. I pledged in my previous letter that if Larry Dickhead was my dad, I would "find any means possible to end my suffering." That wasn't a joke. I'm gonna off myself quick, and I need your help.

I'm not growing up to be a nappy-headed ho. I'm just not. I know I've got options. What's it gonna be?

1) Hanging
Too cliché, and I can't tie ropes yet.

2) Gun to Head
Again, sort of trite. Not very exciting. Messy. Loud. Gotta be something better.

3) Pills
One thing I'm not is a copycat. Worked for Momma and Bro-bro ... but I won't touch the stuff.

4) Kamikaze
Not with today's airport security.

5) Self-immolation
Now we're talking.

6) Self-defenestration
Another ritzy choice, but I may have trouble reaching the window sill.

7) Seppuku (hara-kiri)
If I can't be a princess in life, I may as well have a samurai's death.

8) Dynamite in the Mouth
Messy. Loud. Kind of awesome.

I need to get this over with soon people. I'm open to suggestions.

Smooches,
Dannielynn

PS - HAPPY BELATED EASTER!
XOXOOOXOXOXOXXXOXOXOXOOOXOXOXO

DEREK 360: NICKELBACK EXPOSED! (16 days)

Hello friends,

I'm not going to waste any time on this one. Let's get to the point.


Let me present you all with an excerpt from the lyrical excellence that is Nickelback's new single, "If Everyone Cared":

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

Seems harmless right? Yeah I thought so too. Then, as it repeated for the 57th time inside the song's overlong three minute run time I realized that it is not harmless. It's a message. A statement on the way of life these Canadian imports are trying to impose on their pork rind loving fan base.

The first two lines are completely innocuous. They are solidly written on a 2nd grade reading level and are dominated by a stout rhyme scheme in the same style as a classic "star-car" or "bean-mean" rhyme. They represent Nickelback opening the doors to their awesome Maple Leaf mansion and saying "C'mon in! We've got all these pork rinds! Who will eat them?". You're drawn in by those lines (and rinds), and if you're not careful the next two lines will just slide on by your common sense filters and make a nest in your subconscious.

Stay sharp, because here comes the third line, "If everyone shared and swallowed their pride". Once again, seems harmless. However, it is obviously a statement dripping with a communist agenda. "Share everything you have and everything will be rad". In theory communism is a great idea...in theory.

So Nickelback are a bunch of beer drinking communists. We can get over that right? For these rockers? YEAH! Pass the pork rinds! Oh wait, there's one more line.

"We'd see the day when nobody died"

Huh?

So what they're saying is that if we adopt communism as our way of doing things no one will die? Like ever? What? I can only assume that not only is their some seriously RED blood flowing through their veins but that it also has traces of Satan. "Share your moneys and no one will die because we, Nickelback, have got a pact with the big guy downstairs and he'll just reach into the dirt and bring back your dead uncle". Millions of people are probably already trying to share everything they have in an attempt to make themselves undeadable. This is bad. Beware Nickelback.

Nickelback = Communist Satanists.

Johnny U Preview: Paris (17 days)

Hello everyone. I'm gonna keep this quick-like in a preview version because 1) I'm paying tourist rates out the ass for this internet connection, 2) there's about 700 museums to visit today and, 3) (and most importantly) Derek and I will be here in a few weeks anyway, after which we can give a much more awesomer and in depth sort of analysis you've come to expect from the Johnny.

Suffice it to say, Paris is pretty sweet. A little dirty, kind of smelly, and the residents are sort of punks -- but still, it's pretty sweet.

I'm here with my parents, so I feel like I'm not getting the full experience, so to speak. And they're getting on in age, so the pace isn't exactly up where I'd like it to be. They also get drunk after about two glasses of wine, after which it's like trying to walk down a busy street with two stumbling toddlers to look after. Loud, obnoxious toddlers. Not cool.

Anyway, like I said, a much more detailed report is on its way. Derek and I will have astonishing tales to tell, mixed with a pinch of disdain for the Europeans and a dash of debauchery for good measure. I know you're wet with anticipation.

-Andrew (JUhS)

P.S. - We here at the Johnny owe an apology to Mr. Mitt Romney. We looked down upon him for doing his Mormon mission in France instead of the Congo (or wherever). In retrospect, we were flat wrong. It seems Mitt had the right idea, that sly bastard. Paris is full of some tasty, tasty ass. After being stuck in London for the past six months, it's a welcome new perspective. More on this in the next report, as well.

A Couple of Propositions... (21 days)

1.) Sad Farewell

It's with a heavy heart that the Johnny is forced to say "good-bye" to Coach Mr. Coach Eddie Robinson. He overcame his middle name of "Gay" and became the first college coach to reach 400 wins and was the winningnest football coach of college football history (past and present...fyi - he's 2nd now...confusing, right? kisses). "Coach" (as he was often referred to, by worldly people of the earth and the Johnny Dads) was a great man coaching the Grambling State Tigers in the ways of football and life. He was so much the man that the Football Writers of America decided to name their award for the most balls hard and awesome football coach of the year the "Eddie Robinson Award". DAMN! The Grambling State football stadium is named Eddie Robinson Stadium. DAMN! Plus, he overcame his uncomfortable and unstable middle name (as stated before). DAMN!

So, it is here that I propose that the Johnny set-up some kind of award in honor of coach. Perhaps, a scholarship in his name for young kiddos who show promise but lack the moneys necessary to attend the Johnny U. University (Johnny U. U.), where kids learn to learn about the world and then report about it. What do you guys think?

In any instance, we'll miss you coach.












Eddie Gay Robinson (1919-2007)


2.) What Do You Say?

So, the news recently came out that Keith Richards, after being questioned about the weirdest thing he's snorted, claimed that he once cut some cocaine with the ashes of his dead father and partied. A spokesman for Mr. Richards later came out and said he was just joshing. Either way, this jumpstarted the gears in my head and ideas started to squirt out onto a plate where I sifted through them with my Johnny U. brand of directing wand (don't ask questions) and arrived at this one genius idea:

I propose, that heretoafter, the still alive and kicking Johnny Dads snort the ashes of each dead and cremated Johnny Dad. I mean we already share the same blood and needles, why not a little ashed body? Huh? Huh? Derek (JUhS) already said as long as he doesn't have to include cocaine in the ash, then, he's down. I told him I'm cutting mine with Comet.

Johnny Dads, let me know. World...let us know. Happy Living.