Fish Rebellion: The Report.

"2007 will bring about the end of days": A really long and terrifying report by Derek.

It's been a long time my friends. I've phoned in a few stock posts on silly little nothings while all the time I have been gathering vital intel for this post. This is the big one. This is the report that will open your eyes and encourage you to either take action...or die.

Let's first go back to the past to anticipate the future.

2006 was a grand year. Everyone had a great time buying stuff and laughing and having casual sex with models and things of that variety. However, all the while, certain areas of the Earth were experiencing changes. Fish were becoming unruly. They were killing people.

There was Ian Card, in Bermuda, who got run through by a blue marlin. Mr. Card, being a hoss of ridiculous durability, did not die.

There was that dude in Florida who got slapped by a sturgeon while water skiiing and nearly died.

There was the tragic story of Steve Irwin, who was done in by a stingray in an aquatic accident that experts said was "one in a million".

There was a second ray attack a few weeks later that, conveniently, got very little media attention.

There was the still unsolved case of the Russian man who was killed by some sort of radiation poisoning that may have been caused by him eating some faulty sushi. The poison sushi is the Kamikaze pilot of the rebellious fish world.

On top of those there were the literally thousands of cases of fish attacks, some minor and some extreme, that the government covered up and erased from the public consciousness.

Throughout all of this there has been a central figure. A fish that can talk. A fish known to me only as Big Pooga. A fish that was so bold as to give me numerous audiences throughout the course of the last six months and in these audiences tell me point by point how the fish of the world, a species that outnumbers human beings by a ridiculous margin, were going to rise up and kill all of human kind. He outlined the fish rebellion that started out as a semi-funny story that I presented in gest and has now turned into something that is so much larger than anyone could ever anticipate...or prepare for.

In my final audience with Pooga, in the middle of December, he outlined in detail how the fish would destroy human kind in 2007 and bring about the "end of days". He warned me against posting his words and plans on my "silly little human blog" but I feel like withholding information of this magnitude would be monumentally irresponsbile. So here is an excerpt from my last conversation, with some background notes thrown in.

Q: So Pooga, you've called me back to the water. What is it this time?
A: I want to tell you something Derek. I want to tell you that you don't have much time. You should probably go out and buy some stuff and laugh and fuck some supermodels. I like you Derek, I always have. And while I won't hesitate to kill you along with the rest I want you to enjoy these last few months to their fullest. And my name is not Pooga, it's Willy.

Q: I've been making trips to see you for the past few months and it's always been this doom and gloom line of shit. What are you planning?
*Let it be noted that after I asked this Pooga's eyes appeared to flash red. It's an image that shook me to my very core.
A: In the coming months there will be a number of strange things that will happen. Some will be a part of the plan and some will be acts of diversion. All are calculated measures in the rebellion.

Q: Give me examples.
A: Birds will start dying, just falling out of the sky. Strange smells will start showing up in major cities and no one will be able to explain them. Food will start turning on people by making them sick and ultimately killing them. Fish will continue to attack people. Entire bodies of water will turn to poison. The climate of the Earth will shift and a change in power will finally occur. 2007 will bring about the end of days.

*In recent weeks there have been two cases of mysterious dead birds. First in Austin, Texas a large group of dead birds were discovered. The cause of their death is still undetermined. Then a few days later thousands of birds started falling from the sky in an Australian town. The cause of their death is also unknown. Also, the highly publicized case of the stink in New York City also slots into Pooga's statements.

Pooga and I spoke a while longer on other issues. From the context clues of some of the other things he said I have deduced the fish rebellion plan.

First they are getting together, and in strategically selected areas of the water, organizing ritual fish suicides. The power of thousands of dead fish in one area of the water apparently has the ability to do several different things, depending on the amount and species of the dead fish involved. Certain combinations of dead fish can actually send a geyser of posion gas to the surface area that is strong enough to kill smaller creatures (like birds) but only present itself as a disgusting nuisance to humans (NYC). These posion gas geysers mix into the atmosphere at a certain altitude and stay there. The lasting power of this poison fish gas means that after enough fish suicides there will be enough dead fish toxin in the atmosphere to down all of the birds in the world. From here the inability of any of the world's governments to properly dispose of the bird carcasses will lead to outbreaks of the avian flu. The avian flu will spread through the world fast and kill most everyone in a pandemic fashion. Those that survive will die a slower death due to the fact that so many of the birds that are falling to their deaths are falling into bodies of water, and then contaminating this water. After a time all the Earths water will be contaminated with bird flu and fish toxin and the people that are left will have to survive without any water, which is impossible. The only source of new water, the rain, will also be affected by all of the animal toxins in the atmosphere and the rain will not be suitable to drink after a small amount of time. Resiliant humans may be able to live for a while but the vast majority of the human race will be dead.

2007 will bring about the end of days.

Unless...

CALL TO ACTION!

Unless we go out now and start catching fish. All of the fish. We need to stop doing whatever it is we are doing. Stop working a normal job or managing a family and get to the world saving work of fishing. If we can catch all, or at least most, of the fish in the worlds bodies of water in the next few months and dispose of them properly we may be able to stop this fish rebellion once and for all. It is in our hands.

Pooga may send a fish assassin to kill me for writing this but I felt my duty to the human race was stronger than my safety.

It is in our hands.
-Derek