Sunday, June 18, 2006

DEREK 360: Things you need to know

Let me drop some more knowledge on you childrens. These are things you need to know.

KNOWLEDGE #6
Rollerblading is not awesome. Ever.

Rollerblading came into mass popularity sometime in the mid 1980s (i think). People would go to the local mercantile and purchase brightly colored blades and then get together with friends to rollerblade up and down their respective streets. They would form sweet rollerblading clubs and roll up and down the avenues in different formations like the "V", the "Z" and the "Long Dong Dragon". Correspondingly awful fashion was employed to make the rollerblader look like a giant neon colored spandex enthusiast. In the 80s, a decade regarded as completely ridiculous, rollerblading and its many life changing behaviors were merely drops in the big bucket of said ridiculousiosity. The lame way people looked both wearing blades and "blading" on blades was also partially acceptable in the early to mid 90s. However, in our current climate of awesome (of which the Johnny is oh-so-happy to be a part of), rollerblading needs to be outlawed. The only time rollerblading is at all warranted is when you have the blades on and are performing sweet tricks off of benches, rails, cars, or drained pools. In any other set of circumstances rollerblading is not awesome. Not at all.

That's it for now. Happy Fathers Day everyone!

I invite all of those who disagree with the above knowledge to comment.

Trust these things, for they are fact.

-Derek

Monday, June 12, 2006

Let's watch movies: Heat

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Heat. Heat stars Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Val Kilmer, Tommy "Boom Boom" Sizemore and one of my favorite actors, Tom Noonan.

Heat is a movie about bad mother-fuckin' dudes. I actually heard that Bad Mother-Fuckin' Dudes Kickin' Ass and Stealin' Some Shit was a potential title. The movie centers around the "adventures" of two men. Pacino plays a cop (who kicks ass) and DeNiro plays a crook (who steals some shit). The two men respect each other but want to put a stop to one another at the same time. The movie is punctuated by some of the slickest and most radical action scenes ever captured in a movie. There are a lot of bullets and a lot of windows being broken. The movie takes a turn for the awesome as Pacino and DeNiro get more and more intense until it eventually pole vaults well over the previously set record of awesome and sets a new one during the final hour. Oh yeah, Tom Noonan is in it. He hasn't been this good since Robocop 2 and that is really saying something. Heat is an astoundingly awesome and all around amazingly astute action adventure (ALLITERATION BITCHES) movie. It is three hours long but it's a good three hours. It doesn't really feel long. It feels developed. Yeah.

Reviews tend to be both more difficult to write and less entertaining to read when the movie being reviewed is good. I will make a note of this and try to review pure shit (see Havoc) more often in the future.

+PROS+
+Stellar cast that delivers on all of its potential.
+Multiple hair styles from Val Kilmer!!
+Tom Noonan with a beard.
+LOTS of broken glass.
+Jeremy Piven is actually in this movie.

-CONS-
-There were not enough references to the temperature being "damned hot". This made me feel cheated by the title. A movie called Heat should be about hotness. Pacino should've looked DeNiro right in the face and said, "DAMN IT MAAANNN! IT IS HOT!". That would've really made it for me in a big way.
-The fact that John Voight (yeah he's in this too...and he's surly as balls) doesn't spell his name John VOYT.

I give this film a 8.99878 out of 10
-Derek

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The JU(H)S Goes East: Andrew heads to the land of the Red Dragon

Well, after enough delay to invoke a full-fledged anticlimax, I have finally arrived in Hong Kong. I have the tendency land in new places at night, so I don't think I've had the full effect yet. From what I can tell so far, it seems pretty awesome. Right now it's 11:20pm - unfortunately my body thinks it's 11:20am. Consequently, I probably won't be sleeping tonight. I'm debating whether or not to go out and explore a strange city after midnight, or stay put and live to see daylight. I think I'll opt for prudence at this juncture - I'm here until November, so I'll have plenty of time for excursions.

Although situated in a much more exotic locale, I can't say my story has the same flair as Michael's recent travels. He is kicking ass and taking names (possibly literally regarding the latter) as a PA and LA Film Festival intern. I am merely carrying on virtually the same job I had in NY, except with even more excruciating hours. Hopefully in the coming weeks, I will have something more interesting to report. In the meantime, as Derek so eloquently put, we can finally say the JU(H)S is international - spanning the globe from HK, LA, Dallas, NY, and soon London. Not bad fellas. The expansion can only continue.

Lastly, some tidbits: Derek - I expect a copy of Elephant Gun. I will find some way to pay you, probably via the parents. Mike - I appreciate your attempt to compromise on our naming scheme with "JU(H)S". As you can see, I've adopted this format for my own use. Henceforth, the Johnny Utah Symposium shall be know as, not "JUS", not "JUhS", but ... "JU(H)S". Previously, not enough acronyms contained parentheses. We can proudly say we righted this wrong. Andy - if you're in a movie with Walter Sobchak ... ... there are no words. Please make this happen.

Konichiwiiiiizzziiiiii,

Andrew
"Proud JU(H)S Member Since 2006!"

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

DEREK 360: We are not dead.

Hey gang,

I thought I would take this opportunity to fill in all of you with the recent happenings of the JUS founding dad dudes. This is being provided to both inform and potentially entertain you all and to also operate as an excuse for the lack of posting in the past week to 10 days. Let's see here:

Michael is in Los Angeles as he so perfectly articulated in the post below this one. He is there accosting celebrities and chasing his dreams.

Andrew is in the process of moving to Hong Kong. No joke. Once he's there and settled the JUS will go international in a big way. Yes. Konichiwiiiiizzziiiiii.

Andy has signed with a talent agent and recently auditioned for a sweet Xmas-based MOW (Movie of the Week) with John Goodman.

Oh, and me? It is no secret that I play in a band called Hardin Sweaty and The Ready to Go. The band just completed album number three and it is currently being manufactured into mass quantities somewhere in Indiana. It should be available to the public for the first time June 30th. The album is called Elephant Gun and it is probably the best album ever made. Ever.

It's all very exciting.

Stay tuned because the JUS is reloading. More and more new and exciting content (that will be the fucking awesome) is coming soon.

-Derek

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The JU(H)S Goes West: Michael Thomas heads to the land of $3.50 a gallon

"You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like. Welcome to the layer cake son. "
-
Layer Cake

Here we go, folks. The adventure begins. Tomorrow me and Juhs fan Danny Jordan head off to Los Angeles. We have internships at this year's Los Angeles Film Festival. We're not getting paid for our hard work, because we're simply peons, but we've got ambition, creativity, and no opposition to the casting couch. Since I'm moving there, you may ask: "Have you ever been to California?" The answer is no, but I have heard nice things.

I don't really know what to expect. I have money to burn, a couch to crash on, good job opportunities, and the wearwithall to fall on my face a few times.

Pretty much I want to take this time to thank my fellow JU(H)Sers Derek, Andy, and Andrew. It's been a strange year since post-graduation. May 2005 to May 2006 was frustrating, maddening, disapointing, satisfying, gratiyfing, and awesome. I wouldn't have survived it without you guys. And I'm mainly speaking to Andy and Derek here. Andrew you were in New York most of the time, therefore not as special. However, you were still pretty tits in your own right.

Dear Readers, in the coming weeks expect short and sweet updates regarding my travels. Times are about to get interesting for the men of the Johnny U. You'll want to be there every step of the way.

Here now for your pleasure is a sweet picture of the founding fathers of the Johnny Utah Symposium, minus Andrew Salvoni:



Take it easy, friends.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

DEREK 360: OH SHIT!

Oh no.

This, my friends and neighbors, is the beginning of the end.

Well no. The beginning of the end was when Dancing with the Stars was the leading television show in the ratings. What I am about to discuss is like step two of the beginning of the end. Step two of the end or something.

Come along with me if you would. Let's go to Utah. A state known for mormons, multiple wives, plateaus, and now...BUBONIC MOTHER-FUCKIN' PLAGUE. That's right. The Bubonic Plague is back in a big way and it is eradicating mice and other rodents inside the Natural Bridge National Monument area. The Natural Bridge National Monument (NBNM) is that awesome rock bridge that marks pretty much all things Utah-ian and now it is tainted with the smudgey grossness of BUBONIC MOTHER-FUCKIN' PLAGUE.


The campgrounds surrounding the NBNM have been closed and will be put through rigourous degermification processes. Humans typically contract the BLACK DEATH from fleas that have contracted it from filthy rodents carrying it. Exterminators are going to go in and try to kill all of the fleas. Trouble is, if only one of those fleas escapes. Maybe joins a traveling flea circus or something. Well then we will have the beginnings of THE BLACK DEATH round two.

Note: The Bubonic Plague can be treated and defeated with modern medicine.

This is bad.
-Derek

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

JUBL: Game 6


Another riveting game was played between Andy, Mike and Derek on Monday evening. The game was played at a secondary location. This change in scenery did not affect the level of competition displayed by the athletes.

GAME SUMMARY:
The beginning of this game was marked with complaining. Andy complained about having to pee. Derek complained about Michael's tardiness (he was eating some dinner) and Michael complained about taxes. The three men put away their petty problems and began the game. The game was a quick one with all three players staying relatively close to one another for the first few possessions. Michael quickly began to dominate however. His display of mid-range jumpers and forceful inside moves was occasionally interrupted by mini-runs from Andy and Derek but in the end Michael's offensive prowess brought him a "W".

WINNER:
Michael

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-1.33
Michael-1

In a post game interview Michael had this to say: "I'm just happy to have more points than Andrew."

Yeah.
-Studerino

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Mike and Derek Ruin A Movie

*NO ONE AT THE JUHS FEELS BAD ABOUT BLOWING THE LID OFF THE BLOCKBUSTER FILM OF THE SUMMER. WHY? BECAUSE LITERALLY NO ONE SHOULD BE EXCITED TO SEE THIS MOVIE*

Hey, guys. Check out who shows up for a surprise cameo at the end of FAST AND THE FURIOUS - TOKYO DRIFT:















Oh. You're upset?
Oh. Eat shit.

-Mike and Derek.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

"Your pastel striped vest looks like shit."

First we had 311 Vs. Scott Stapp.

Now we have this.

Don't move Hilfiger's drink. Don't do it.
-Derek

Monday, May 15, 2006

JUBL: Game 5


Andy, Mike and Derek got together earlier today for some JUBL basketball action. The weather conditions were ideal and all three men seemed to bring their "A" game to the court.

GAME SUMMARY:
This game was a gripping display of competition...for the most part. Mike ran into some bad luck in the early goings but continued to bounce back. He had a strange hopping-while-dribbling thing going on that seemed to be working for him from time to time. Andy and Derek were making shots in their normal customary ways. Derek through jump shots and fade aways and Andy through acrobatic moves to the basket. The game remained competitive throughout but in the end it was Derek who sealed his first JUBL victory of the year with a long jumper.

WINNER:
Derek

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-1.33
Michael-0

Gripping. Just gripping.
-Studer

Friday, May 12, 2006

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


I am back. I've been pretty pissed off at this "blog" recently. All this fuckin' bullshit about the JUBL and shit-ass music reviews. The whole thing has gotten really pedestrian and really fucking worthless. I contemplated quitting the Symposium for good but then I saw that drivel the supposed "founding dads" were producing and knew it was up to me, a true artist, to save this sinking ship. Seriously though. Fuck Derek, fuck Michael, fuck Andy and fuck Andrew. You guys need to get your shit together or some bad shit is gonna come to pass. Fuck.

So i'm back with my thoughts on some upcoming movie releases. Let's fuckin' do this.

The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift
The plot of this awful shit is simple. Some shitty guys drive some cars in Japan. The trailer shows some cars and some chicks in little skirts and some dudes high fiving and shit. The TRAILER looks like a pile of shit. A fucking pile of shit. I went to Coachella a couple weekends back and Paul "I'm gay" Walker tried to kiss me. I don't think he's in this fuckin' Tokyo shit but I have nothing else to say about it so take it or fucking leave it. I'd leave it.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Mission Impossible 3
Mission Impossible 3: Mission Impossiblest is coming to our cinemas. Oh wait, it's already there. Shit. Well, I still think it looks like a bunch of burnt ass. I'm just gonna throw this out there. I am not a Tom Cruise fan. I, to be more precise, fucking hate him. There was a movie about a hundred years ago that we were both trying to star in. We were fucking going in and meeting with these fucking casting vampire fucks and giving them all these fucking readings and shit and just fucking doing all this fucking bullshit to get this role. It was between me and Tommy and in the end that mother fucker got the part and I didn't. It worked out though because I wound up meeting Rick Rubin and getting my music career off the ground, and music is my true fuckin' passion. Oh, the movie was Cocktail. I can't fuckin' believe I didn't get that. Even now. Fuck Tom Cruise and fuck Bryan Brown too. Fuckers. The TRAILER for MI:3 just looks like every other overdone action epic released these days. It's all very offensive to me. I've really lost my fucking train of thought here. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a fucking man though.

Thumbs Down.
Half of one star (because Phil Hoff is a man).

Little Man
Alright. I know what you fucks are thinking. Vince, do you hate everything? Are you really that fucking bitter? Are you really writing this or is someone else writing it while stealing the incredible popularity of your identity? Do you ever like any movies other than your own? To answer you fucking kids, I do love some movies. I, like you fanboy faggot fucks, do get excited about some movies and Little Man is one of these movies. The premise may seem a little but fucked. A fuckin' dwarf masquerading as a baby to retrieve some treasure. If you look past that premise though you can really see that this is gonna be a movie that explores some issues that have been ignored in Hollywood for too long. Just study the TRAILER. No director has ever had the fuckin' stones to even joke about a grown man/woman fucking a baby and this looks like the movie to break through that barricade. It's all very exciting. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be a formulaic gimmick-ridden urban comedy. Yeah.

Thumbs way up (unless it sucks).
Four fuckin' stars (")

It's nice to end on a high note. Fuck this "blog" though. Seriously.

-Vincent Gallo

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Let's watch movies: Havoc

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Havoc. Havoc stars Anne Hathaway, the always reliable Bijou Phillips and some Latin dudes.

Havoc is about a group of girls (with the focus being primarily placed on two of them) who become so bored with the safe suburban world that they live in that they decide to go over to the "bad side" of town and hang out with some bad ass Latin dudes. The Latin dudes are drug dealers and they live a fast and dangerous lifestyle that gets Bijou and Anne a wee bit excited. Things escalate when the ladies go to a shady hotel room and ask to become "a part of the gang". Oh yeah, the Latin dudes are, of course, in a gang. The Latin dudes are totally cool with the idea of them joining the gang but their is an initiation. The initiation is that the girls each roll a single dice (or is it a die). Whatever number they roll is the number of awesome Latin gang member dudes they have to fuck. I think all at the same time or something. Anne rolls a one and good old Bijou "I'm a dirty slut" Phillips rolls like a 15 (I don't remember). So from there things get out of hand. Anne turns into a prude (after displaying her nude bod for like the eighth time in the movie...not complaining) and refuses to fuck the one dude she was supposed to fuck. Bijou however is all about it. She starts fucking some dudes and, what a surprise, she has a bad time. The Latin dudes let up and let the chicks leave. The chicks then blow things out of proportion and say the Latin dudes raped them. Actually I think Bijou's the only one that flips the script on the Latins but I don't remember. From here things escalate even more when Anne's "I wanna be black" boyfriend gets involved. I don't remember the ending. I don't know if I was watching. This movie sucks.

The point of this movie was clear. It was trying to serve as a cautionary tale to parents and to kids. To parents it is trying to tell you to watch your kids. If you think they may be sneaking off to East L.A. for a fiesta then maybe it is time to intervene. To kids it is telling you to NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH DRUG DEALERS WHO ARE IN GANGS. That is a life you stumble into, not a life you seek out. Just say no and stuff.

Let's do like a pros and cons thing here:

+PROS+
+Anne Hathaway's boobs
+The realistic depiction of Latin gangs (cough cough)

-CONS-
-Basically everything
-Bijou Phillips has got to be on the cons despite being naked for the majority of the movie. She just sucks.

I give this film a 3.31785 out of 10
-Derek

Monday, May 08, 2006

Johnny-U Album Review: 10,000 Days



Fellow JUhSers,

Before I can review this album for you, I feel I must explain where I fit within the realm of popular music. Let's put it this way: If rock was a school, I'd be in the special ed class.

This was not always so. In my heyday, circa Freshman and Sophomore years in college, I attended an astounding variety of live shows (including Tool in San Antonio during their Lateralus tour) and illegally downloaded multiple gigabytes worth of mp3s. Since then my level of rock IQ has atrophied significantly. I am grossly dependent on Michael's suggestions (Death from Above 1979, Arctic Monkeys, etc...) and Derek's mix tapes (Feel Good Rock Roll Vol. 1 & 2). I've been listening to a decent mix of those, Hardin Sweaty and the Ready To Go, and Coheed and Cambria for the past few months. Although my musical tastes have adjusted over the years, I'm still the same person who grew up on early 90's rock and, later, the metal stylings of Metallica, Pantera, and Tool.

Each new Tool album has been a momentous event. As a band, when you make the decision to release only one new album every four years, it's best that you adhere to certain standards. In other words, you better make it worth the damn wait. Tool, overwhelmingly, has done so. It's hard to believe that a band with only four full-length releases in the amount of time they've been around has garnered such a following.

In my opinion, Ænima must act as the yardstick against which all of their new releases are measured. I'm a huge fan of Undertow, but I believe Ænima is Tool's crowning achievement, fully embodying their style and maturity as a band. On this basis, I was disappointed with Lateralus at first. I still believe it's a spectacular album, but for me it did not live up to the staggering expectations inherently created as "the follow-up to Ænima." Standing alone it is amazing, but in the context of Tool's greater repertoire, it does not rank highly for me.

10,000 days gets much, much closer.

The album begins with the first single, "Vicariously." It is far superior to "Schism" - a song I don't particularly enjoy. It's your classic seven minute Tool tune, and it rocks pretty hard. I'm not going to use this space to analyze songs or opine as to the inner meaning of the symbolism because, really, I don't give a shit. I don't care if you're singing about daisies and lollipops, as long as the song rocks. I will say this: Maynard's lyrics in this album are extremely straightforward. He flirts with the literal for much of the album. This was completely unexpected, especially after the apparent direction the band was heading with Lateralus, but it's actually very refreshing.

I was taken aback at first - how could Tool release something so simplistic? The guitar riffs are back to the basics, reminiscent of much of their work in Undertow. The softer, trippier songs are melodic and don't particularly push progressive rock boundaries. I think Tool said to themselves, "we can still make badass rock songs - they may be long and weird as hell, but they're gonna fucking rock, and they're gonna fucking keep you interested." In a way, they're in direct opposition to one of their ongoing themes ("be patient...") with the adoption of this (relatively) direct approach to songwriting. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just used to Tool's style, but I have the feeling this album will meet greater popular success as a result, without sacrificing any artistic integrity.

Getting back to the review, the first two tracks ("Vicariously" and "Jambi") are badass rock tunes. The next two, sister-songs "Wings for Marie (Part 1)" and "10,000 Days (Wings Part 2)" are softer, flowing, and punctuated with some stunning crescendos. They make up a two-part tribute (of sorts) to Maynard's mother, so they consist of pretty heady material. Once again, the lyrics aren't overly symbolic. Once again, I'm a fan.

"The Pot" reverts the album back to it's hard rock core, performed in the same vein as "Hooker with a Penis" and "Ticks & Leeches." Oh, and the bass line is fucking badass. "Lost Keys (Blame Hofmann)" and "Rosetta Stoned" are a connected intro & song about aliens and LSD. Cool. "Intension" is another trippy seven minute tune. If you liked "Disposition" and "Reflection," you'll like this one. "Right in Two," effectively the album's conclusion, is another badass song. If you made it this far, you deserve it, too. It's another straightforward commentary on how mankind wastes it's gifts fighting about useless shit. I wholeheartedly agree - the topic couldn't be more pertinent.

In conclusion, I like 10,000 days. A lot. It's a welcome respite from the copious amount of shitty rock music out now. It doesn't quite reach the same heights as Ænima, but I've only had a week to let it sink in. My initial feeling is that it doesn't quite acheive the same scope or cohesion. However, time will fit the album in it's correct place. If nothing else, it demonstrates that Tool is still moving forward creatively, still making entertaining music, and still remains a relevant force in the watered-down metal scene.

-Andrew
"Proud JUhS member since 2006!"




Tool says: "Enjoy our new album, bitches!"

Monday, May 01, 2006

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Team,

It is that time once again. What time is that you ask? What time is it? Stupid Person Time.

Today I present you guys with more of a stupid organization. I would love to narrow this down to one totally stupid person but I'm afraid the stupidity can only be pinned to an entire group. That group is the bumbling crazies that work at NASA. The new plan over at NASA is to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. This probe will create a crater and will then send back readings about the surface of the moon and water levels and a bunch of other scientific stuff that is very un-stupid. I know this all sounds pretty awesome and if we find that the moon has some water under the surface we can then colonize a righteous good moon town but I'm afraid it's not as simple as that.


Let me break this down.

We are going to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. When this probe hits it will create a collision so violent it will be visible from Earth. From there the moon will fucking break in half and begin to split into smaller bits and chunks. These chunks will then fly all around the solar system bouncing into planets like Earth and...Earth. Entire continents will be turned to nothing and after one particularly nasty collision with a massive moon chunk the Earth will shift off of its axis and the atmosphere, gravitational conditions, climate, and structure will become totally fucked. The Earth will then begin to float aimlessly through space until it gets a wee bit too close to that big yellow thing in the center (the sun) and burns real, real bad. Everyone on Earth who didn't already get smashed by a moon boulder will be burned alive. It will suck bad. The absence of Earth, coupled with the additional moon bits floating through space will cause major changes to the universe's makeup. The planets (and this is over the course of hundreds of years...our species is burned and smashed and dead) will begin to fall out of place and slowly collide into one another like one of those things on a really stereotypical pyschiatrist's desk. That thing with the bouncing balls. Take out the balls and replace them with planets like Mars and Jupiter and then add in lots of space pollution as huge pieces of planets are broken off and begin to float trough space bumping into other things. Alien species will learn to dread our galaxy and will call it "Galaxy Shitty". It will become (and we're talking like a bunch of millions of years from now) an awesome outpost prison facility where all these different alien criminal dudes are shipped to "do some time". They'll get life in "Shitty" and then eventually one dude will break out and become a really rad space pirate and then he will eventually gather enough strength to break out all of the other prisoners in "Shitty" and in Moses-esque fashion he will lead his prisoner army on a crazed war path of pain and killings as he overtakes the major government of outer space (I don't know much about them...sorry). This space pirate Moses dude will then become "King of Space" and will rule space with a fair hand. He will permanently close down "Galaxy Shitty" and will (using awesome technology that we can't even comprehend...because we're kind of stupid) eradicate it completely. All that will remain of the spot where Earth sat will be nothing. The spot won't exist.

Do we want this chain of events to begin? I, for one, am not really ready to be smashed by moon rocks or burned alive by the sun. Come on NASA, don't be stupid.

They're not going to be launching the probe until 2009, so if there is anything you've been putting off doing I would do it.

NOTE: I know nothing about science.

-Derek

Sunday, April 30, 2006

JUBL: Game 4


Mike, Andy and Derek met last Sunday for an exciting game of basketball. The game was the fourth of the still young JUBL season and was held at an undisclosed loaction.

GAME SUMMARY:
I can't lie. This game took place a week ago and it wasn't really that memorable. There weren't any tremendous plays or awesome moments. It was relatively competitve for the first few possessions with each man matching the other point for point. From there Andy took over and continued his hot streak with another JUBL win. I recall Michael wanting to give his own write-up about his performance in game 4 and I welcome him to do so in the comments section. I'll do better on the summary next time. I promise.

WINNER:
Andy

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-.33
Michael-0

This season appears one-sided.
-Stude

Friday, April 28, 2006

Michael Thomas Has Opinions #2

I can't remember the last time I posted up on the ole' Johnny U. Did I last leave off with a shoddy political statement or wax intellectual with a dead baby joke? It's difficult to keep track of my mediocrity, and I appreciate my fellow JUSers who consistantly put up good work while I tread water.

I've been a busy boy, world. What with my community theatre play, a tenative visit to LA, and utter lack of originality, I've not been able to update with any regularity or zeal.

But I still have opinions. Here are a couple:

SILENCE IS GOLDEN:

I caught Christophe Gans' SILENT HILL last Sunday with the inimitable Derek Rundgren. It was my choice, and I was nervous. The last movie I picked was the Paul Walker shitfest RUNNING SCARED, and I feared a repeat of that unfortunate affair.

SILENT HILL is 50% awesome and 50% intolerable. The visuals were amazing (imagine Tarsem's THE CELL with shittier lighting, effective design, and actual restraint), but the story was atrocious. I'm not quite sure what was going on, even though a good portion of the film was devoted to unnecessary exposition. It would have made a great silent movie.

The script was written by Roger Avary(co-writer of PULP FICTION, writer/director of KILLING ZOE and RULES OF ATTRACTION), and I was surprised at how lazy and unfocused it was. Avary's work is generally streamlined and concise, but he was either overwelmed by Gans' ambition, or too enamored with his own vision to generate a decisive product.

In the end, SILENT HILL is a movie overloaded with bloat and brimming with misopportunity. But it also contains some of the most searing CGI images yet produced, and I respect the bold attempt at an open ending. See it if you feel the need.

IT IS NOT TOO SOON FOR ME:

I hope I get a chance to see Paul Greengrass' UNITED 93. It's not an experience I plan to enjoy, but it's something I feel I need to do. My level for the heroes of 9/11 is high. The firefighters, police officers, New York citizens, and the passengers of Flight 93 were the very embodiment of the American spirit . I am humbled by their sacrifice, and devastated by the choking reality they faced.

If anyone can do UNITED 93 right (and the reviews say he did), it's Greengrass. His first feature BLOODY SUNDAY is remarkable, and THE BOURNE SUPREMACY is one of the most intense movies of the decade. Paul Greengrass is a powerful filmmaker, and the appropriate choice to bring 9/11 to the screen.

Check out this great interview with Greengrass over at CHUD:
http://www.chud.com/index.php?type=interviews&id=6524

ONCE AGAIN, FUCK AMERICAN IDOL:

I know I'm repeating myself, but with the AMERICAN IDOL season in full swing, I feel it's time to reiterate a few points:

If you watch AMERICAN IDOL with regularity, if you talk about it at work the next day, or if you watch the nightly news just for the IDOL updates, I doom you tied to the nose of Flight 93 as it performs it's vertical dive toward the Pennsylvanian farming district.

That would wipe out my immediate family and a third of my co-workers, but action needs to be taken.

Who the hell do you people think you are? There's a war going on, there's baseball to watch, there's 600 different Law and Order shows to catch up on. You want to spend your Tuesdays and Wednesdays listening to bubblegum pop and wretched singing? Turn on the fucking radio, or read a goddamned book. You don't need to subject your body to this crap and convince yourself Simon's quips are the epitome of high drama. AMERICAN IDOL is cruise control for the masses, and the road is getting dangerous.

Don't you realize that Carrie Underwood is just a whore that can sing to scale, Clay Aiken is as special as that gay kid who played Tony in your high school's production of WEST SIDE STORY, Ruben Studdard nothing more than a fat tub of Jell-O poop, and Justin Giannnniiinnniii a Carrot-Top clone? Kelly Clarkson gets a free pass because she didn't know any better, but the rest of those assholes have blood on their hands. And so do you, motherfuckers.

OKAY, I'M SORRY FOR THAT LAST SECTION. LET'S ALL BE FRIENDS AGAIN, AND CONNECT THROUGH THE POWER OF MUSIC:

I don't know what the general consensus is on today's music. I'm generally out of touch with what the kids are listening to these days, as I only listen to U2 cover bands and Radiohead b-sides.

But I dig those ARCTIC MONKEYS. Here's a cool little video made from their kick-ass song VIEW FROM THE AFTERNOON. Enjoy, and I'll be back again soon.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Through the Aperture of Andy: "Come out with your hands up and titties out!"


Hello children. Let's take a look at what we have today:

NOW SHOW US THEM TITTIES!

Ladies! Would you show this man your bazongas?

What if he knocked on your door saying he was a doctor offering free door-to-door breast exams on behalf of the local hospital? That's what happened in one Miama, Florida neighborhood. Phillip Winikoff, a.k.a. The Awesome Dr. Hooter Handler, is the suspect pictured above and is an awesome 76 years old. He has been charged with sexually assaulting two women in their 30s after being invited in by the women to check their breastaseses. However, one woman became suspicious after "Dr." Winikoff started giving her genitals a thorough looksy without putting on rubber gloves. (I'm guessing her nether regions looked clean so he didn't think he needed them...and that this woman thought it was an all inclusive breast exam?!) The prude lady called the cops and reported Winikoff.

Winikoff was arrested after trying to expand his practice in another neighborhood. A spokesman for the local sheriff''s department had this to say about Winikoff: "Winikoff was not a doctor. He worked as a shuttle driver for an auto dealership." That just adds to the awesomenacity of this dude. Although he's creepy and perverted. And a sexual criminal. (Ok, he's not THAT awesome). But he still looks like the man.

I'm not saying I support sexual assault or anything like this at all, but LADIES! Come on now! An old man, looking like that, hell...forget physical appearances! IF ANY man comes to your door saying he's offering free breast exams: YOU DO NOT LET HIM IN! Use some good...or ANY judgement.

However, a dude coming to my door looking like the man offering to feel me up...I'd probably let him in also.

  • (Dr. Feel Ya Good)


  • COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! ...HELLO?

    Ahhh. Oklahoma City Police Department. OKCPD. Or is it OPD? Not sure. It doesn't matter. Anyway, after sitting for SEVEN HOURS outside a home involved with a drug investigation, the police decided it was the right time to make a move even though they had had no contact with anyone from inside the house. Units at the scene called in the tactical team, who subsequently made the entrance into the house. They made their entrance only to find: no one was there (cue the trumpet and the "WAH WAH Wah-wah-a-a-a-a").

    Good work boys. I guess this was the Keystone Unit of the OKCPD...EFAHDS.
  • (Benny Hill Theme in Full Effect!)



  • That's it for today. Just some nifty quick hits.

    And that's the world through the Aperture of Andy...them breasts looking firm and clean.

    Sunday, April 23, 2006

    JUBL: Game 2, Game 3


    Three of the JUS dudes met on a rainy Thursday for a couple more games in the still young Johnny Utah Basketball League season.

    FIRST GAME SUMMARY:
    Andrew, Andy and Derek met at an undisclosed location this past Thursday. Michael was unable to attend the double-header. The weather was wet and muggy, but the temperature was cool and the conditions were pretty great overall. Andy and Derek got out to quick starts while Andrew lagged behind complaining about "being out of shape" and "how much his legs hurt". Andrew was really never a factor in the first game though his always aggressive defensive style was shown from time to time. Andy and Derek fought it out down to the final bucket with Andy coming out on top for his second consecutive JUBL win.

    WINNER:
    Andy

    SECOND GAME SUMMARY:
    In the second game of the double-header the men involved decided to change up the rules. For those of you who are not familiar with the three man competitive basketball game "21" the rules are simple. The first man to reach 21 points is the winner. Each made basket is 2 points and it earns you a trip to the free throw line where you are given the opportunity to shoot up to three free throws. If you miss a free throw the ball is then up for grabs for the other two dudes playing to rebound. One of the things the JUBL dudes are not very good at is free throws. Because of this a large part of the strategy involved in JUBL games revolves around people purposefully missing free throws by bouncing them hard off the backboard to hopefully get the ball back and acquire another possesion.

    Whoa...that was kind of confusing. The point is that for the second game of the double-header Andrew, Andy and Derek decided to outlaw purposeful missing. This would mean that no one could do the crazy bounce the ball off the backboard really hard thing. This would prove to a be a big mistake.

    The game began like any other. Andrew was reborn offensively in the second game and was scoring with greater ease. Andy and Derek were scoring well also. Andy blazed ahead at one point using his reliable slashing skills and went to the free throw line with the chance to win the game. He made his first free throw giving him 20 points. He then missed his next one. From here the dudes playing had to consult the official JUBL rule book about what would have to happen. The reason for the confusion is because in order to win you have to have 21 points and after ending up with 20 with no way to get 21 (there are no one pointers remember) Andy was basically screwed. The rule book said that Andy had to keep shooting and that with his next made basket he would return to having 11 points.

    This explanation sucks.

    At this point Derek and Andrew, surged with confidence about Andy being screwed by his own free throw skills. They too reached the summit and they to wound up with 20 points because they could not hit pivotal free throws.

    This game went on forever. It was tragic. All of them reached the 20 point plateau again and Andy even reached it a third time. All three men began to lose their energy for the seemingly unwinnable contest and eventually the game was called on account of a mistake in rule changing. In the end it was decided that the three men would split the points from the game and each would get .33 points. Derek and Andrew were thrilled about this ruling because it would effectively help them to "get on the board" and Andy was pleased because it kept his winning streak alive at 3 games.

    WINNER:
    No winner due to a mistake in rule changing.

    SCOREBOARD:
    Andy-2.33
    Andrew-.33
    Derek-.33
    Michael-0

    That was laborious.
    -Stat Dude

    Thursday, April 20, 2006

    Through the Aperture of Andy: Spitting Fire (Did I s-s-s-tutter?)

    **This is a special, spur of the moment Aperture. Warning - contains unusually offensive language from Andy. Just a warning as Andy turned red in the face and just began typing. Thank you.**




    You know what I can't stand? Fucking liars.

    About a month or two ago Sportscenter put the spotlight on one Jason McElwain, an "autistic", high school basketball team manager. In the closing minutes of a game, in which his team was losing and ultimately lost, Jason was given some pity playing time by his coach. He played four minutes and, like a pimp, sank six 3-pointers. Pimp status quickly faded after this kid got his own stupid Sportscenter segment/report and was shown being carried off the court on the shoulders of his classmates with his deformed, pubescent face all big and stupid. Now, I know I would probably look just as stupid were I to be carried off a court all excited like. But...I'm not a fucking liar.

    The report was filled with interviews of Jason's parents and coach crying. It showed his classmates talking some stupid shit and our dear, "autistic" Jason spitting out stupid shit. Stupid shit like "I was on fire." and then smirking and sitting there filled with a vomit-inducing, smug ass look on his face and this attitude that he was "the shit". Just to recap: Jason claims he has autism. Having autism does NOT yield you "the shit" status.

    Definition of autism (as defined by Houghton Mifflin): A psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.

    Ok, so let me get this straight. The kid is maybe dyslexic. He stutters and mumbles. Maybe he likes shiny things and is shy a few IQ points. I don't think these are things that keep him from being an average basketball player. Shit, most athletes are practically borderline retarded...intelligence wise. Let's face it: Jason sucks at basketball. Just like most of us. So, the kid was rightfully the team manager. The coach felt sorry for him and put him in and the kid gets a lucky streak going. He's not the poor soul with down syndrome who is the awesome team manager that everyone loves. THAT would be an incredible story! No. This kid, in all his camera time and interviews exhibits NO noticeable symptoms. He goes unguarded in the last minutes of a game. Where his team is getting destroyed. Where the other team, as Derek JUS points out, has put in their equivalent...the 3rd string bench warmers who have as much playing time as "J-Mac". They're stuck guarding the "retard". Shit. The kid wishes he was a retard. But yeah. Who wants to guard the special ed kid? So the kid has wide open looks and gets lucky. Then, the kid thinks he's the fucking man??? WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

    I've never been more pissed off at the tv in my life. And now, today I open up my Yahoo! Homepage and what do I see? The headline: "Autistic hoops star scores movie deal". Oh my sweet crap! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

    Here's the link. Check it out.

    That's going to be the most awful movie since Corky Romano. The movie's going to end with this want to be "disordered person" making some 3-pointers and his team still losing the game! WHAT?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! No check that. Hollywood will saw off one of his legs, give him an eye-patch, AIDS, say his father abandoned him at birth when he learned the kid would never speak, and for some reason give him the speaking skills of an ape with mush in his mouth. And then his ugly ass parents will make fat bank off of him. Just look at his parents. The dad is gangly as hell. The mom is just plain ugly and passed on her burn victim good looks to her annoying ass son. This kid better enjoy what he's getting now because in time he'll be revealed as a fraud. He's as "retarded" as some high frat asshole.

    I'm telling you. The kid's not even disordered. We've all seen Rain Man. Maybe Jason's "savant talent" is tickling the twine. Which would be awesome. But this kid isn't awesome and he's not that lucky. I'm dead serious. The kid's a fucking liar. Fine...maybe he is autistic. I think this kid is barely autistic. If this is true I'm proposing that we get rid of autism as a disorder. Now, I know there are people with serious disorders. They will be reclassified with a new disorder. However, Jason and people like Jason will no longer receive special treatment.

    He'll no longer be Jason: "the basketball team manager because he has autism". He'll be Jason: "the team manager because he can't hack it day in and day out". He'll be like the rest of us. Admit it. Would YOU want someone to make a movie of you? How fucking boring would that be?

    So to sum up. Fuck this kid. He's an asshole and a liar.

    And that's the world through the aper-aper-aper-ture of Adyn. Definitely. Defintely Andy.

    Monday, April 17, 2006

    Through the Aperture of Andy: From the Files Of....

    Hey Hey. Hello my JUhSers. Sorry I've been away. I'm going to purposely ignore comments made by one Andrew (JUhS) and just get on with it:

    From the files of: "Whatever Happened to...?" I bring up these once all-to-famous names...!

    Nikoloz Tskitishvili - NBA Forward

    2002 - #1 Draft Pick (5th overall) of Denver Nuggets.
    2005 - Declared Free Agency
    2005 (uhh later than previous 2005) - Signed by Minnesota Timberwolves

    Career Averages - 3.0 Points/Game, 1.8 Rebounds/Game, 0.7 Assists/Game, 0.3 Blocks/Game, .303 Field Goal%

    Where is he now: Traded to Phoenix Jan of 2006 where he is constantly laughed at by the injured Amare Stoudemire, who was still on the board when Denver chose Tskitishvili. But, his allergies are enjoying the dry, aridness of the Phoenix deserts.

    Overall...NOT AWESOME! #1 pick?! Think Denver is kicking themselves for NOT picking Amare Stoudemire, Tayshaun Prince, or...shit...even Dan Dickau (all of whom were drafted after darling Nik). In all truth. This guy sucks. He never did anything to actually deserve this recognition or spotlight. ...Except be born "Nikoloz Tskitishvili" and have his name called out a lot on NBA Live (bang boom, whatcha gonna do?)



    Darryl Kile - Major League Baseball Pitcher

    1993 - Pitched a freaking no-hitter for the Houston Astros
    2000/2001 - St Louis Cardinals pitching staff ace
    2000 - 20 Game Winner for St. Louis Cardinals
    3 Time All-Star

    MAN! After putting together an awesome early career, struggling after being traded to Colorado, and then putting it back together in The Lou you'd think this dude would still be kicking some ass in the Majors. But no.

    Man. Whatever happened to Darryl Kile?




    ....oh

    From the Files of: "Separated at Birth"...

    One is a 9-time All-Star, World Series MVP, multi-Cy Young winner, and is approaching 300 career wins as a pitcher in Major League Baseball. The other is a 4-time WWF/E Heavyweight Champion, 6-time WWF Tag Team Champion and has a perfect 14-0 Wrestlemania Record. They are the New York Mets' Tom Glavine and professional wrestler The Undertaker (a.k.a. - Mark Calaway, a.k.a. - The Phenom, a.k.a. - American Bad Ass, a.k.a. - Kane...sometimes).

    However, few people know that they are actually twins abandoned at birth and separated by adoption. Look it up. Most sources will tell you that Tom Glavine was born on March 25, 1966 and that Mark Calaway was born on March 24, 1965. This is incorrect. Mark was born at 11:59 of March 24th. Tom was born at 12:01 March 25th. So, that part is correct. However, at the age of 17, after making the decision to become a professional wrestler, Mark was forced to lie on an application about his date of birth. He merely rolled back one year on his year of birth to 1965 so that he could meet the requirement of being 18 years of age to enter an amateur wrestling match in hopes of impressing some professional scouts. The rest, as they say is history.

    I submit these photos as proof. Of course, Mark is much larger as he started a very rigorous weight lifting/weight gaining program. He also took assloads of 'roids. Tom, however, is al-natural. See for yourself...



    Pretty amazing, huh?

    Here's this picture they took together after "big brother" Mark convinced Tom to join him in some wrestling fun:




    It's uncanny!!!

    Oh man! Well...that's it for now. You will surely find this pleasing to your....eyes.

    And that's the world through the aperture of Andy!!!


    Basketball is back.


    The founding dads of the Johnny U are not only the spokesdudes of our time. They are also athletes. Kick-ass, non-sucky, nimble, talented athletes. For the past couple summers these great men have played in a recreational basketball league that they themself created. It is the Johnny Utah Basketball League or JUBL.

    Throughout the on-again-off-again-we-can-only-play-when-we're-not-busy-doing-other-important-things basketball season we will give you guys updates on the games that take place. We know that this information is totally worthless to the general public, but we just don't care.

    The innagural game of the 2006 JUBL season was played this past Sunday.

    SUMMARY:
    Andy, Michael and Derek came out to the undisclosed sun drenched outdoor court of their choosing (Andrew was undoutbedly busy doing blow in a bathroom stall somewhere in New York City). Derek leapt out to a large lead but soon became fatigued due to a mixture of him being an out of shape bitch and the extreme heat. Michael and Andy were soon neck and neck with Derek. Michael through the strength of his fifteen foot set shots and Andy through his majestic slashing skills overtook Derek before they too began feeling the raw power of the elements. Derek fought back and came a basket from winning before Andy used drive after drive to reach point number 21. 21 and a victory.

    WINNER:
    Andy

    SCOREBOARD:
    Andy-1
    Andrew-0
    Derek-0
    Michael-0

    You all love it.
    -Stat Dude

    DEREK 360: Things you need to know

    It's time once again for me to spill some knowledge for you guys. Impress your friends and coworkers and kids with these mighty fine facts.

    KNOWLEDGE #4
    Date My Mom is a fucked up disaster of a show.

    Please forgive my harsh language but the television show Date My Mom on MTV is just obscene. A dude goes on three "dates" with three chicks' moms. After these "dates", which are chock full of straight-up-disgusting innuendos and double entendres. The moms and daughters have these bullshit pre and post date "candid conversations" that are so staged it makes me wish someone would step on my neck. Here's a sample:

    MOM: Hi honey, I'm home.
    DAUGHTER: Hi, how was the date?
    MOM: It was great, we went to a car show and then we went topless.
    DAUGHTER: WHAT MOM (obviously exaggerating her reaction)??
    MOM: It's ok honey, we were just rising in a convertible.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
    Fucking pathetic.

    Then at the end of the show the three moms get together with the dude and they have a four way sex mess. No, they don't do that (at least not on camera...ersh), instead they meet on a beach or some other stock location and then the dude picks, based on the moms, which chick he wants to date. It's just a real mess.

    I could pontificate on how shitty it is for a few more paragraphs but i won't. Just trust me.

    KNOWLEDGE #5
    Top Gun sucks.

    I'm gonna keep this one concise. Top Gun is a bad movie. A really bad movie. Kenny Loggins is a bad ass and everything but not even his righteous tunes can rescue this overrated pile of shit.


    I invite all of those who disagree with the above knowledges to comment.

    Trust these things, for they are fact.

    -Derek

    Sunday, April 16, 2006

    HAPPY EASTER FROM THE JOHNNY

    HAPPY EASTER!


    HAVE AN EGG-CELLENT DAY!

    Tuesday, April 11, 2006

    Tonight's Johnny-U Reading Assignment

    Faithful readers,

    If you care at all about baseball ... nay, about America and all mankind, you will read Chuck Klosterman's most recent Page2 article. You may have seen this on ESPN.com's front page, but it's a much more poignant experience when viewed through the U. Without further ado:

    Click here for the link, happy?

    -Andrew
    "Proud JUhS Member since 2006!"

    DEREK 360: Things you need to know

    Hello peoples,

    Today I am going to to drop some knowledge for you kids. Some things you guys should know. Pay close attention and tell your friends and neighbors.

    KNOWLEDGE #1
    Patrick Swayze is inside of every white limousine you see on the street.

    Anytime you see a white limo, inside of it, is Patrick "She's like the wind" Swayze. If you see 2 white limos at one time he is in both. I know it's weird, but it's true.


    KNOWLEDGE #2
    Wesley Snipes is inside of every black limousine you see on the street.

    This is the same general principle as the Swayze/white limo continuum thing. Any black limo contains Wesley "Always betting on black (limos)" Snipes. For many years it was believed that the black limos were uninhabited but fellow-Johnny-U-Founding-Dad-Dude Andy recently informed me that Wesley Snipes did in fact reside in pretty much all of them. Andy, like me, is wise and reads countless periodicals of note so his knowledge on this matter is concrete fact.


    KNOWLEDGE #3
    Krull is the 14th greatest movie ever made.


    If you line up all the movies ever made and then rank them using an intricate scale of factors that is too complicated for me to fully discuss you will realize that the 1983 film Krull is the 14th best. It's got Liam Neeson, a dude that looks like Swayze in the lead, a cyclops, special effects that the Pope once said were "more awesome than this whole religion thing I'm into", a goofy magician, and a kick ass chinese star looking thing. Oh, there is also the plot, which will fucking drown you in awesome juices. A bad ass alienish thing falls to the planet and these evil alien things start taking over. Swayze look alike dude and his special lady are set to wed but the alienish things mess those nuptials up. They kidnap the special lady and then Swayze, with the help of kick ass Chinese Star looking thing, Liam Neeson, a cyclops, a creepy old blind dude, a goofy magician (I guess he's really a wizard...but who cares), and some sweet special effects have to go to something called "The Black Fortress" to rescue her. That synopsis alone has got me sweaty. Krull is tits.

    Trust these things for they are fact.

    -Derek

    Sunday, April 09, 2006

    Random Rambles and Musings by Andy

    While watching the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball Game between the Cards and Cubs tonight (April 9th), my mind wandered upon a good 6 minute chain of thoughts about baseball. Here they are...

    1.) As a joke to fellow JUhS founding father, Derek, I offered up the opinion that since Albert Pujols lost his third base eligibility in our fantasy baseball league he's lost all value. I, of course, was joking (or was I? look it up!). Derek found it amusing:

    Derek: "haha"

    I then offered it to David and Mark (the 2 other contestants in our league). David agreed:

    David: "You do speak truths"

    Mark, however, thought I was serious and offered me his counterargument:

    Mark: "I don't know about that. Hitting for a high average with good power numbers is pretty solid"
    Me (continuing my playfully sarcastic argument): "Not when you only play 1 position."
    Mark: "Well i think with Pujols you get consistancy which you need from your higher picks. You know he's gonna hit for like .335 with 40 some HRs with 120 RBIs and a shitload of runs scored. No contract disputes, trade rumours or anything."

    Thank you Mark for winning me over. Pujols truly IS a fantasy baseball gold mine.

    2.) After connecting with what would end up being a 3-run homerun, Jacque Jones flipped his bat in Brett Boone "Booney Bat Flip" stylee.

    Derek: "Gah Jacques needs to not flip the bat"
    Andy: "How do you figure?"
    Derek: "Flipping the bat is fucking lame. Especially when you're a second tier guy like Jok." (Jok = Jacque Jones)

    This inspired me to offer up what I would do upon smacking a long one. I think it would be humerous (and show my street side) if, as I watched the ball leave the playing field, took the bat to my lips and proceeded to take fat hits from the bat as if it were a fat blunt. How awesome would that be? A dude sitting there toking up from a 34 inch bat as if it were a 34 inch marijuana cigarette? HOW AWESOME?!

    I'd then run the bases and then upon completion of said rounding I'd stand at home plate and yell at the umpire, catcher, fans and DEA:

    "That was a FAT HIT!" or "HITS FROM THE BAT?!?" or "Fat Louisville Blunt!" or something like that. I'd probably then gratuitously hump the ground and a cardboard cut out of the pitcher's mother.

    3.) My train of though ended with this: What I would do if I were a Sportscenter anchor and I was narrating a highlight of some dude...say Juan Pierre (to continue with the Cards/Cubs theme) laying down a bunt. What if I were to say:

    "And Pierre takes a fat hit from the blunt." Then (or maybe before the bunt is laid down) I'd make a lound and long tight-lipped inhaling sound followed by a cough as if I were taking a drag from some tightly rolled bud. I'd become the most popular Sportscenter anchor since Craig Kilborn and Keith Olberman combined.

    So yeah. I hadn't posted in a while and figured I'd waste your time with this entry. What do YOU guys think about ideas above? What would YOU do if YOU hit a homerun? What would YOU do if YOU were a Sportscenter anchor?

    Those who are late do not get fruit cup.

    -Andy (JUhS)

    Saturday, April 08, 2006

    The JUhS: Taking It to the Streets...

    Once again, we here at the JUhS enjoy being able to offer a stage for men to express themselves in blog form (we call it whining when women chime in). It seems that our MLB preseason prediction post from last month inspired enough emotion and incited enough energy from a regular reader that he had to make his voice heard. So, without further adieu, we proudly present:

    "Royals Will Fuck You. Hard." - by Joshua "Penis" Bradt

    "First off, let me introduce myself. I am a long time friend of Johnny Utah, but am a first time writer. I sometimes tune to the symposium to see the comments that my dear friends, and forefathers of this site, have to say about life as they see it. But let me say readers, I’ll tune in no fucking longer.

    A while back Derek, Andy, Vincent Gallo, Tits Drexler and a bunch of other dickheads decided they knew two shits about baseball. Derek predicted the crappiest team of 2006 would be the Kansas City Royals. Well let me just tell you something folks: The day of reckoning is upon us. The mighty and storied Kansas City Royals franchise will rise from the ashes of mediocrity like a phoenix reaching for the sun. A sun made of boobs.

    I know it’s easy to bash a team who had one of the worst seasons in franchise history last year, but let’s not be short sighted with our assessment. The rumor mill is churning, and sources say that both Bret Saberhagen and George Brett are coming out of retirement to whip this team into a winning frenzy. Bret Saberhagen, with his patented “whizz ball” and George “The Pine Tar Punisher” Brett don’t just plan to embarrass the other teams, they plan to make the other teams shit their pants at the mere whisper of Mike “Sweet Swingin” Sweeny’s name.

    But how will they do this? Aren’t they too old? What the hell is a Royal anyways? You may ask. Well dear friend, let me elaborate.

    A mere 21 years ago the Royals were knighted as the World Champions of baseball. Leading that team’s charge were Saberhagen and Brett. That level of excellence can never fade with time, folks. Look at Jack Lalane, or for a lesser example sports blooper funny man Bob Uecker. Sure they might have gained a little weight, lost a little muscle, and have prostate problems, but as soon as we juice those motherfuckers up and get them on the field, the spark that lights the Royals comeback will be ignited. They will once again become the kings of baseball. Your TV screen will morph into a baby blue blur of home runs, grand slams, and pictures of George Brett flexing in front of the cameras, in attempt, no doubt, to get laid.

    So friends, I conclude by saying that cheering for the Royals this season is not an option, it’s your obligation as an American. Not only should you root for the underdog out of principle, but you should do so to prevent the consequences of not cheering for the Royals. Once George Brett and Bret Saberhagen hear about your treason, the steroid rage will kick in and they’ll no doubt visit your home, lube up with big league chew, and spit tobacco juice on your back as they rape you doggy style (AKA Bret/Brett style). So don’t be an asshole, and help bring this team back the respect it deserves."


    So, there you have it. How exciting. No more need for running. We're taking it to the streets.

    - The Royal Men of JUhS

    Wednesday, April 05, 2006

    Oh, that's just brilliant, U.S. Government. Seriously, guys. Aces.

    Ah, romance!

    DHS Official Charged in Online Seduction
    (from Yahoo's Michelle Spitzer)


    MIAMI - A deputy press secretary for the U.S. Department of
    Homeland Security was charged with using a computer to seduce a child after authorities said he struck up sexual conversations with an undercover detective posing as a 14-year-old girl.

    Brian J. Doyle, 55, the fourth-ranking official in the department's public affairs office, was expected to appear in court Wednesday afternoon in Maryland and also to be placed on administrative leave.

    "He said last night that he was going to waive extradition. If he does that, we may have him back by the end of the week," Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said Wednesday. "He could get to court today and some lawyer may say 'no, you don't want to do that.' The bottom line is we don't know when he's coming back."

    Authorities arrested Doyle on Tuesday at his Silver Spring, Md., home as he was online with the "girl." The undercover detective had called Doyle at work and said she got a Web camera, as he had asked her to do, and wanted to test it out, said Carrie Rodgers, Polk County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman.

    "He said he would get on the computer when he got home from work so we knew he would be on," Rodgers said. "When (police) went to his door, he was on the computer in the middle of a conversation with the girl."

    White House press secretary Scott McClellan called it "a very serious matter."

    "I know that the Department of Homeland Security have said they will cooperate fully in the investigation," McClellan said aboard Air Force One as the president was en route to Connecticut for a health care speech. "The individual who was arrested is someone who is a civil servant, and my understanding is that the Department of Homeland Security has placed that individual on administrative leave. These are very serious allegations."

    Homeland Security press secretary Russ Knocke in Washington said he could not comment on the details of the investigation.

    "We take these allegations very seriously, and we will cooperate fully with this ongoing investigation," Knocke said.

    Doyle found the teenager's profile online and began having sexually explicit conversations with her on the Internet on March 14, the sheriff's office said in a statement.

    He sent her pornographic movie clips, as well as non-sexual photos of himself, officials said. One of the photos, released by the sheriff's office, shows Doyle in what appears to be DHS headquarters. He is wearing a Homeland Security pin on his lapel and a lanyard that says "TSA." (MIKE NOTE: "Transportation Security Administration.")

    The Transportation Security Administration is part of the Homeland Security Department.
    During online conversations, Doyle revealed his name, who he worked for and offered his office and government-issued cell phone numbers, the sheriff's office said.

    On several occasions, Doyle instructed her to perform a sexual act while thinking of him and described explicit activities he wanted to have with her, investigators said.

    He was booked into the Montgomery County Detention Center. Doyle also faces a charge of transmission of harmful material to a minor.

    There was no immediate response to messages left on Doyle's government-issued cell phone and his e-mail, and he could not be reached by phone at the jail for comment.
    -------

    On days like this, I'm just glad Ariel Sharon has a full skull.

    -Michael S.

    Monday, April 03, 2006

    The Quotable Alistair Walford.

    "What's red and white all over and keeps running into walls?

    Give up?

    A baby with forks in it's eyes."
    -Al

    Liz Zuerker Presents: "Grass Fire Anatomy"

    At the JUhS we appreciate the guest columnist. I actually think this may be our FIRST guest columnist...I'm too lazy to read back through the archives. So without further adieu we proudly present: LIZ ZUERKER!!! (Her words will appear in quotes and special colored text and font style)

    "Following another delightful episode of Grey's Anatomy. One in which im please to point out that "Robin" from Batman & Robin fame had a guest staring roll. I just didnt think my sunday night could be topped... UNTIL the 10'o'clock news.

    Their live opening broadcast was about a grassfire in the Colony. Just a few seconds into the guy's opening monologue an airhorn is heard and then NAKED OLD MAN BUTT! Myself and my friend Lindsaytunes used my TIVO rewind button three times to insure that we had not imagined it, but each time there it was in all its gross glory! That only left us with the question as to how the news guy managed to keep a straight face at the airhorn blowing streaker. I am also please to announce that on WFFA.com, this is a top story right next to some big car crash.

    Ladies and Gentleman This is Dallas!"

    im very excited about this
    i have a feeling mike will be pissed
    because of the greys anat reference
    but i simply dont care

    (That last part was her "off the record" remarks about one of my fellow JUhS Founding Fathers. I just wanted to include those to show how gritty and uncompromising Liz is...and to throw a rock in the machine)

    Overall: Great work by one of our favorite readers. Keep up the good work, Liz!

    -The Men of JUhS


    Sunday, April 02, 2006

    "They even like it when you go ass to mouth."



    That's the new Internet only trailer for Clerks II, and it's pretty good. There is no way it's going to be as raw and groundbreaking as the original, but it's heart is in the right place (meaning it's going to have lots of dick and fart jokes). Sometimes that's all a movie really needs... Having it's heart in the right place, I mean. Not dick and fart jokes. Though that probably would have helped Mystic River. And maybe The Pianist, too.

    -Michael S.

    Tally it up with Michael S.



    Fuck. It's April, and I've only killed one Denton cop. This is a major slump from 2005, when I'd already bagged two Norman officers and a fiji before mid-March.

    2006 is so not the tits.

    -Michael S.

    Wednesday, March 29, 2006

    My Plea


    Please. Do not disparage my brother. Bobbo was greatness. And I have never laughed so much as when his lovely face was covered in his own snot after over-inflating an AIDS hand shield. I presented dear Howie with the idea of a case picking game show after getting a good bit of entertainment watching some of my friends poke and prod at some air-dropped aid in the field by my house. I thought: "What if one box was filled with several dollars and the other with a ferocious lion?" or "What if one box was filled with a considerable sum of money and the other was filled with a clown and rancid bass?" or "What if one box was filled with dubloons and the other was filled with the dust of John Candy?" Now that's must see tv! HAHA.

    My brother's comedy and game show hosting abilities: The fucking awesome!

    -N. Mandela

    Monday, March 27, 2006

    Brain or No Brain?

    Has anyone seen this new show? I'd feel better if you hadn't, but apparently it's a craze that's sweeping the nation. The new hit NBC show is titled "Deal or No Deal" and it's hosted by none other than the incomparable Howie Mandel. What?! You thought his career was over? You thought nothing could top the pointlessness of "Bobby's World"? You thought America was through with the man known solely for blowing up, through his nose, a latex glove outstretched over his head?

    You were completely fucking wrong. Because even the D-minus celebrities have nine lives. Why is everyone so god damn worried about global warming? Don't you realize we're recycling celebrities at an alarming rate? At this point, we won't have anyone left to entertain us by 2060, much less polar ice caps. And if I can't get my latest celebrity-reality show on VH1 when I'm 80 years old, dribbling on my sweater and urinating myself, then I don't fucking care if the entire coast line is submerged. Or if hurricanes pummel Illinois in February. Or if China replaces the United States as the dominant world power.

    Do we even deserve to be the world power? Look at what entertains our collective nation. We'd rather watch a complete slut imbecile fuck 20 guys on the Real World: Key West, or Flava Flav spout catch phrases that went out in the 90's, or obsess over a group of coddled, useless youths who haven't served a legitimate purpose their entire lives as they prance around Laguna Beach. We'd rather watch a bald, washed-up comedian discuss for an entire hour, with honest, normal Americans, whether or not they should open cases handled by completely artificial, obviously fake-breasted models. THERE IS A SHOW ON PRIME-TIME TELEVISION WHERE THE ENTIRE PREMISE IS BASED ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOULD OPEN A CASE. Just ... let that sink in for a second. Has anyone else thought about this?

    Who am I to tell people what to do with their lives? I am no different than all of you. I merely suggest: can't we do better? Is this how we want to spend our Monday evenings? We have nothing better to do? I have a timely and, I believe, apt analogy. We are UConn (or in a slightly more disgusting comparison, Duke); the rest of the world is George Mason. We are a perennial power, drunk on our own history and bred to believe the hype set before us. But there are others out there without the history and without the pedigree, working harder than we are to get ahead. And eventually, like in the tournament this year, it's going to catch up with us. Maybe not now, maybe not in 10 years, but sometime. Obviously, I didn't just make up this idea myself, but it's worth reiterating. Years before we were born, the international situation has been, more or less, as it is now. So we just assume that the world is "naturally" this way. I know I used to.

    OK, I'm officially off my high horse. But that show really fucking pisses me off. It's a show about opening cases with numbers in them. And most of the time, since no one seems to understand basic statistics, they don't even make the correct decisions. Fuck. Don't watch this show. Besides, it's on at the same time as "How I Met Your Mother". You remember Doogie Howser, right?

    -Andrew
    "Proud JUhS Member Since 2006"

    Sunday, March 26, 2006

    DEREK 360: JUS on the streets

    Last night fellow JUS-er Andy and myself went for a jaunt into Deep Ellum. Deep Ellum, for those who do not already know, is an area in the sprawling urban monster that is downtown Dallas, Texas. While we were down there the following interactions with Deep Ellumians took place:

    INTERACTION #1
    RANDOM DUDE: (Yells) Don't nobody worry now!
    DEREK (JUS): ............
    RANDOM DUDE: (Turns in Derek's direction) Cause I'm retired!*

    *NOTE: He may have said "retarded" in place of "retired". It was difficult to understand him due to the fact that he had been having a really awesome night of being a street person and drinking a lot.

    INTERACTION #2
    RANDOM DUDE: (Having trouble walking, talking and doing anything) Eiee Ma? Ame I tuy fughged uh?
    ANDY (JUS): Are you too fucked up? Uhmmm, yeah man. I'd say you are, and you really stink...
    RANDOM DUDE: Whuddaya mehn maans, Ig ott diss.
    ANDY (JUS): (Remembering that this dude is probably totally crazy)...but i bet you had a great time tonight.
    RANDOM DUDE: Chi manhns, dems puyliees wount eden adfres maiyass
    DEREK (JUS): The police won't even arrest your ass? I guess you have some work to do then bro.
    RANDOM DUDE: mahns, ayem dafunkhun devall en eeh gunnas gadrder elall ma demon brethren an fuchs dist owun adwa.
    DEREK (JUS): ...........

    That's about it.

    -Derek

    Wednesday, March 22, 2006

    Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

    EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


    Well, well, well. It's that fuckin' time again you shitty fucks. I know you guys normally rely on me to give you guidance on everything from how to get a woman off to quilting but today I've got something a little different planned for you. I'm gonna throw some opinions at you. This is some shit you fucks can talk about at the water cooler or the fucking bullshit commercialized coffee bar. Go up to your shitty fat-fuck coworker pals and tell them all about what "Crazy Vinny" said on the J-Tah. If you call me Vinny though I'll take out my dick, shave my ass, and fuck you. Just so you know.

    Let's talk about movies. I'm gonna talk about some upcoming releases and then give you guys my thoughts on them. I don't know what else to fuckin' say right here. On with the movies.

    Stay Alive
    The plot of this movie seems to be pretty clear. It's about a videogame that is fucking alive and killing all of the sad sack fucks who are playing it. The game is called "Stay Alive". This shit looks pathetic. In the TRAILER it shows a bunch of stupid assholes sitting in a room playing some game. I think I saw Franklin "Malcolm in my fuckin' Middle" Muniz in there. I did blow with that motherfucker in the bathroom at the Roxy like three years ago. He looked up at me and told me he was like 13 so I spat on him and ran. I have a firm hatred of that tiny motherfucker and anything he touches so on that criteria alone I'll be staying away from this fuckin' garbage. Another problem I have with this tripe is that Stephen Dorff is not involved in anyway. I didn't think you could make a shitty horror flick these days without at least getting Dorff's blessing. Fuck it.

    Thumbs Down.
    None Stars.

    Basic Instinct 2
    Oh shit. You mean to tell me that the fucked up sex crazed bitch from BI-1 is back and she's actually got the same shit going on? What are the fucking chances there? Fuck this bullshit. This is a prime example of movies and the whole worthless fuckin' industry just fucking itself to make money. I'm sure that fat-fuck Ebert will love this shit though. Put some non-simulated cock sucking in a movie (see The Brown Bunny ) and watch out. Get some realness in there and people are all up in fuckin' arms but bring out Sharon Stone's antique tittys and everyone's popping fuckin' boners. Whoa. I got a little flustered there. Sorry about that. I just hate Roger Ebert. Lots. I watched the TRAILER and I kept wondering in my mind "why they would fuckin' make this shit". This is why I'm focused on music now. Oh, and who the fuck is David Morrissey? Fuck this shit all day.

    Thumbs Down.
    None Stars.

    Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector
    Oh fuck. You have got to be fuckin' kidding me. What the fuck is going on? How the fuck? FUCK! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WHITE-TRASH FUCK? IS THIS SHIT FUNNY?

    Watching the TRAILER for this movie made me want to buy a pony and train it to fuck the daughter that I don't claim but undoubtedly have. If I, while watching this trailer, had held the cure to all fo the world's woes I would have shat on that cure and said FUCK THE MISERABLE WORLD THAT WOULD YIELD THIS FUCKING SWILL.

    Shit like this makes me wanna go back to killing.

    Thumbs Down.
    Less than None Stars.

    My blood pressure is up. Stay away from film. Go out and get fucked instead.

    -Vincent Gallo

    Sunday, March 19, 2006

    DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

    Hello babies,

    I present you guys with a short (and sweet) entry on this fine Sunday evening. It may become a new feature here on the JUS. It's tentatively called "Stupid Person Time" and it will chronicle stupid people and the stupid things they do. IT'S GONNA BE SOOO FUNNY!!!

    Let me get this thing started with someone who is a really stupid person (with a really bizarre name).

    In Los Angeles last week a man named Tekle Zigetta was charged with currency smuggling. From there the investigators were led to a Hollywood apartment where they found a stash of ONE BILLION DOLLAR BILLS. ONE BILLION DOLLARS??? IN A SINGLE BILL?? HOLY SHIT!!!

    The only trouble is that Tekle goofed when he was doing his counterfeiting. The problem? There is no such thing as a billion dollar bill. The bills they found were supposedly issued in 1934 (a time when a billion dollars would have been even more ridiculous than it is now) and had a picture of Grover Cleveland on them. Grover Cleveland? He's not bill worthy. That's a dead giveaway of fake-ness right there.

    The investigators found 250 of these billion dollar bills. That's a lot of billions. The story on Yahoo News did not elaborate but I imagine Tekle is in serious trouble. He is also the first person to be honored on Stupid Person Time.

    What kinda name is Tekle anyway.

    -Derek

    Tuesday, March 14, 2006

    DEREK 360: Awesome-vertising

    Hello world.

    Let me get some things out of the way before I get down to business.

    First of all, I'm sorry for the inactivity of the JUS lately. There is no good excuse other than laziness.

    Second, to clarify Andy's entry below, Hardin Sweaty and The Ready To Go (of which I am a member, please forgive the shameless self promotion) will be playing this Friday in Denton, TX. They however will not be playing with Record Hop. Instead they'll be playing with the bands Prayer for Animals and Knee Pad. The show will be at Hailey's in Denton and will be only five dollars. If you're in the area and want to see a good rock show come on over. Plug over.

    NOW ON WITH THE DEREK 360 POST!

    I'm a fan of advertising. Both good and bad. Today I am going to present an ad that I think is just unbelievably good. I'm sure you guys have seen this before but now (assuming my link works) you can revisit it any time you'd like.

    The ad is for Volkswagen, who never fail to make great ads (both viral and traditional), and they feature Peter Stormare as an uber-German car...enthusiast. I'm a lover of things that are ridiculously German so this ad immediately struck me as awesome. Here it is:



    Here's a couple others in the series:
    "Jaaaassssoonnn"
    "It's definitely sucking"

    "It looks like it could fly"

    Great stuff.

    -Derek

    Saturday, March 11, 2006

    Through the Aperture of Andy: Away on Business

    Hey JUhSers -

    Just wanted to let you guys know that I'll be out on vacation for the next week. So, don't expect the fast furious posts from yours truly that you've come to expect and come to set your watch to. No sir, I'm off to the great slopes of Breckenridge, Colorado where I'm sure I'll atrociously injure myself and be left broken for the rest of my life due to my current lack of health insurance. Now, as for whether or not this will occur on the slopes or off (I foresee me drunkenly slipping and eating the side of a hot tub while wearing my newly acquired leopard thong and bleeding a lot) is up in the air.

    However, today I purchased my new (and first) digital camera. Hopefully some awesomenasity will be had and I will luckily capture on said camera.

    So, before I go. I just wanted to cram a lot of stuff into one big post!

    FIRST:
    Hardin Sweaty and the Ready to Go played a near-raucous and dare I say best ever show this past Saturday (March 4th) at Rubber Gloves in Denton, TX. The turn out wasn't spectacular. But the guys kicked major ass...and a cutout of Darth Vader around the stage. Ask Michael Thomas about the post-show after-party happenings.

    This next Friday, March 17th, the boys will be destroying Hailey's in Denton, TX with Record Hop. SEE THIS SHOW! I'll allow Derek to further hype this show, but you should probably consider wearing old paint clothes and diapers because...well.....(aside from it being the new fashion)...you'll be messing yourselves from every orifice in your previously thought to be liquid tight bodies.

    SECOND:
    On June 17th, 2003 the best album of 2003, 2004, and 2005 was released. This album was none other than Brand New's "Deja Entendu". YOU WILL GO BUY THIS ALBUM IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE SO. Well, my little hipsters. I want you to check this out:

    http://www.myspace.com/brandnewdemos

    THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT! (Sorry about the language...but I can't contain myself). BRAND NEW BRAND NEW! The longly awaited and longly anticipated album is underway and should be released this year! And you know what that means?! That's right. The best album of 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009. 2010 should probably find their next release.

    Just in time! If you don't buy this album...I hope your head goes through the windshield or you burn in the wreckage of a plane crash or drown at the bottom of the sea after said crash.

    But don't worry, folks. Even if the album doesn't see 2006. "Deja Entendu" already has 2nd best album of the year in it's pocket. It can step up to the #1 spot.

    (I ALMOST FEEL SORRY FOR WHAT I'M GONNA DO!)

    FINALLY:

    For those of you who like nothing but equality in a marriage, well, I just wanted to leave you peoples with this:

    http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html

    Just read it! I know it's long. I know the quality isn't THAT great. But just read it! Let's get some discussion going.

    Alrighty!

    I'm out of here!

    I'm heaven sent!

    Don't you dare forget!

    That's the world through the aperture of Andy. I'm still working on a sign off. But my head hurt (head hurts!) and my health is a joke and now I gotta go because my head phones broke.

    -Andy

    p.s. - JUhS = entirely smooth. We admit to the truth -- we are the best at what we do!

    Wednesday, March 08, 2006

    Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "Soggy Toast"

    The rain felled down from the mountain top.
    It went drippy drippy and it would not stop.

    It hit some leaves on its way down.
    And from there it sloshed into town.

    While in town the rain drops flowed.
    Until they hit a curb and explode.

    The water, it goes into every home.
    IT WILL NOT LEAVE THE PEOPLE ALONE.

    It's only moments until the people understand.
    This is not water, this is a man.

    A dead dude, a spirit, a spectre, a ghost.
    Some dead on your bread giving you soggy toast.

    -Bad Poetry Guy

    Sunday, March 05, 2006

    Good media: Natalie Portman

    I don't watch Saturday Night Live. I'm too busy being radical. This was on SNL last night and when I saw it this morning and felt it was worthy of a repost.

    My favorite part is when Natalie Portman says, "I'll kill your fuckin' dog for fun so don't push me".

    Enjoy!

    -LINK REMOVED-

    -The Radical Tad