Let's watch movies: The Departed

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today I am going to talk about The Departed. Actually, that is not entirely accurate. I am going to gush about how awesome The Departed was. I would like to believe that I am a movie "buff" (whatever the hell that term means). I go to the movies on a semi-regular basis and my knowledge of movie crap is marginally impressive. Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to believe me when I announce that The Departed is the best movie of 2006 (thus far).

Martin Scorsese has crafted another movie in the same mold as his previous best. Goodfellas, Taxi Driver and even Casino share the same style. Gritty, layered, powerful cinema that just feels cool in every way. The Departed brings Marty back to this same style after his good and bad historical dalliances of the past half decade. He's back on the streets and it's fucking awesome.

The Departed follows the trials and tribulations of two cops in Boston. One is a high ranking officer (Matt Damon) who is a rat for a crime lord (Jack Nicholson). The other is an undercover cop (Leonardo DiCaprio) who is in with said crime lord ratting to the cops. The movie blazes at a quick pace as the two rats jockey for position in an attempt to benefit their respective sides. People get shot, punched, beaten up with coat racks, and thrown off of buildings. Everyone swears. A lot. Nicholson even breaks out a dildo in a porno movie theatre at one point. Oh, and Mark Wahlberg is in there too stealing every scene he's in with his "holy shit this guys is SUCH an asshole" attitude. Alec Baldwin is also in top form.

I warned you above. Forgive my gushing.

This was a movie that plastered a big stupid smile on my face and left it there for like 150 minutes. Everytime someone would get punched or say something menacing this little jar labeled the "jar of cool" would just get more and more full in my mind, until by the end of the movie I was walking to my car feeling really awesome. I think the jar overfilled and made me believe that the movie theatre parking lot was quite a bit more awesome then it actually was. Point is, the movie is really, really good. And cool. And awesome. Gushing. Pros and Cons.

+PROS+
+There were like 4 or 5 different times in this thing when one cop punched another cop in the face in the middle of the police station. Realistic? Doubtful. Awesome? Oh yeah.
+Wahlberg really tore it up.
+All the performances were top notch.
+The whole movie was kind of a pro.

-CONS-
-The dude next to me eating ice during the movie. Not cool fat man.

I know this wasn't funny and I don't care. Go see The Departed.

I give this film a 9.12332 out of 10
-Derek

Happy Columbus Day!

Go out and rent Nine Months, Stepmom, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Mrs. Doubtfire AND Adventures in Babysitting. Actually, get Stepmom off that list and add Bicentennial Man. You guys remember that one? It's where Robin Williams (in sober mode) played a robot and, well, I've never seen it, but i think he wants some feelings or something. Actually that's A.I., which isn't a Columbus gem. Shit. I'm missing the point here. It's Columbus Day and we need to celebrate the man and his accomplishments.

Obvious Joke Master,
Derek

Vincent Gallo Presents: How to flirt online

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to encourage everyone to read the article that Mr. Gallo is plagiarizing. It can be found here. It really sucks.


That's right you fuckin' bastards. I'm back. Back from the fucking dead. I was submitting articles to this shitty blog for the last like two months but Derek, that fucking hack, wasn't posting them. Maybe one of these days he'll release them as the "Lost Gallo Articles" or some other commercialized bullshit thing. I hate that guy. I hate this blog. I hate skiing. I hate-

Oh wait...you guys want to know how to flirt online. Fine. Here's some tips.

1. Humor is your ally.
Basically what this means is that if you're funny you'll get fucking laid. If you're not funny you can go ahead and service yourself for the millionth time. If you're not funny you may as well go ahead and swallow some fucking bullets, because you're never gonna get fucking laid. Unless you're rich. Or a rapist. Next tip.

2. Keep it simple.
Don't talk a bunch of shit about how you know every fucking character in the whole goddamn Star Wars universe. Don't brag about how you can do some ghoulish shit like stapling your dick to your stomach. No one cares about the fact that you're a fuckin' freak. Tip one tells you that people just want you to be funny. Not interesting. Fucking funny.

3. Hand out compliments.
Examples:
"Hey bitch, you look unfat in your picture."
"You look so good that I actually don't want to kill you."
"I want to fuck you."

You know, compliments. Use your fuckin' head.

Here's a little bonus for you shit kids. I'm gonna go ahead and list some questions that you pathetic, spineless mother-fuckers can use when your too chicken-shit to meet someone face to face and you want to simply email them until you get whatever fucked up jollies you can from a relationship as weak and pointless as that. Put a few of these in an email and let the object of your e-affections do the rest.

*Where did you get that fantastic smile?
*What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
*Have you seen Buffalo '66? You should. It's great.
*How long have you played guitar?
*Why are you so fucking ugly?
*What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
*Do you fuck in the ass?

With the fuckin' tips I've laid out for you shitty, fucking, fat-fuck, mother-fuckers you should be able to score some Internet sex in no time. Cyber sex? That's what it's called right? This shit is disgusting.

-Vincent Gallo

!QUIK HITZ!

Let's learn stuff!

Let's do it QUIK!

1. ONE. UNO.

According to CBS, and more specifically the CBS show CSI: Miami, Brazil is the sexiest place on Earth. For a few weeks now CBS has been heavily hyping the Brazilian season premiere of the most intense member of the CSI family. The show is going to feature Caruso and the gang jet-setting down to Brazil (or as CBS has taught me to think of it: Sexyland) to solve some murder using gross jump-cuts and awesome dialogue. Caruso will probably also threaten someone.

What CSI: Sexyland needs to figure out is why all of these FUCKING HAWKS are attacking people. That is not sexy. Running from place to place having to flail your arms so that your eyes are not pecked out of your skull is not sexy. Not sexy. Sexy.

CBS needs to rent City of God.


2. TWO. DOS.

Banksy.


Banksy is a British artist who spends his time painting stuff (streets, buildings, canvases, elephants). He paints stuff legally and he paints stuff illegally. He sells paintings to Brad Pitt. Disneyland and Banksy do not see eye to eye. He dropped bogus copies of Paris Hilton's debut album into London boutiques. He loves stencils. He also loves to put his work up on the walls in famous museums. He REALLY loves doing that.

He is a total bad ass.

Go here. Take five. Enjoy.

3. THREE. TRES.

I don't really have a third one. All those links wore me out. Well, no, here's a little something. 300 will be coming out next year. Sparta. Fight. Die.

MUCH LOVE,
Derek

DEREK 360: The Odysseust

DISCLAIMER: This post is worthless AND pointless.

Last night I was flipping through the channels when I caught a few minutes of the total shitfest that is Troy. I happened upon a scene between Brad Pitt (in total phoning-it-in mode) and Seen Been. Seen Been was playing the always awesome role of Odysseus and it got me thinking.

Of the few men who have portrayed Odysseus in films throughout film history, who was the Odysseust?

1. Armand Assante - The Odyssey
(1997 TV mini-series)
Armand Assante is well regarded as a total bad ass. I mean, just look at the body of work here. He was in three of the best films of the past dozen years with his star turns in Judge Dredd, Two for the Money, and Striptease. He also played John Gotti in the appropriately titled TV movie Gotti. Oh, and he was also in one of those Christopher Columbus biopic's that came out in the early 90's. All of these totally awesome roles were just mere stepping stones to the role that Armand made his own. That would, of course, be the role of Odysseus.


But, was he the Odysseust?

He did get to do the whole Odyssey thing, which is awesome. He, however, did not have the same awesome psuedo-mullet-from-another-time hair that Seen Been had in Troy. He was good. He may have even been great.

2. Sean Bean - Troy
(2004 shitty movie)
Seen Been is an uber-pimp and everyone knows it. He's gotten his paws on a few of the great franchises of the past few years. He was one of the fellowship dudes in that whole Lord of the Rings thing. He did die in the first movie like a little bitch though. He was also Han Solo in the Star Wars movies. He wasn't the star of Troy but his presence (and the presence of his awesome hair) stole many a scene.


But, was he the Odysseust?

The fact that he was in Troy is definitely working against him. His credentials are strong though, and he played a more level-headed, less crazy Odysseus. He got to play the Illiad era Odysseus, who was a cyclopsless dude just coolin' in the ancient world. He's definitely in contention.

3. George Clooney - Oh Brother, Where Art Thou
(2000 movie)
George Clooney is a big star. He's got an Oscar on his mantle next to a certificate from People Magazine lauding him as the sexiest man alive back in like '98 or something. He also played Batman at some point back in the dark (yet light...and gay) days of the Batman franchise. He played Everett in Oh Brother, Where Art Thou, which is an adaptation of The Odyssey. He had a lot of room to change up the role and experiment with the character.


But, was he the Odysseust?

He, technically, didn't even play the role of Odysseus. However, because there haven't been that many Odysseus' in semi-recent film history he's gonna get tossed in there. He's not a throw-away candidate though. He kicked cyclops ass. He made his way home. He did the whole thang and he did it well.

So who is the Odysseust?
The obvious answer here is Armand Assante. I, however, have got to deviate from the obvious and go with Seen Been. His confident, "I know I'm a bad ass" turn as a pre-Odyssey Odysseus helped bring the total crap fest that is Troy out of the shitty movie cellar (though it's still awful...don't get me wrong). He's also got some wicked-awesome (and historically accurate...I assume) hair. There may also be some influence from the fact that I haven't seen Armand Assante's The Odyssey since it first aired back in '97. Seen Been is fresh in my mind and sometimes freshness = Odysseust.

CONGRATULATIONS SEEN BEEN, YOU ARE THE ODYSSEUST!

Yikes,
Derek

Sympathy for the Sooner

Fellow JUhSians,

Now, I hate the Sooners as much as any other Texas alumni. It's true. But you, my friends, were robbed. Robbed. Plain and simple. Now, I'm relying on extremely grainy ESPN motion video. And I didn't watch the full game. But seriously, those were some egregious errors.

If it makes you feel any better, Adrian Peterson is an absolute maniac. So you've got that going for you. And you'll probably beat us in Dallas. However, our quarterback beats yours in the "awesomeness of name" category, mustachioed or otherwise.

But that's besides the point. In conclusion, say it with me: fuck you ducks. Fuck you and your ugly ass uniforms, and the state you live in. No one likes you.

There, I bet you feel better.

Andrew (JUhS)

P.S. - I realize I'm not carrying my weight around the symposium. I'm working to rectify that. Really, I am.

DEREK 360: Popeye is gonna die.

E. coli is back at it. Back at its unawesome game of killing people and making people ridiculously sick. This time the food blamed for the spread of Mr. Coli is spinach (hence the Popeye title...haha...right?...shit). So far there has only been one death, which happened in Wisconsin, but 50 others have reported sickness in seven other states. The scariest part is that all the states are not even bordering Wisconsin. New Mexico, Idaho, Connecticut, Utah, Michigan, Oregon, Indiana. This shit is all over the map.


The tainted spinach (or "nasty greens" as I prefer to call them) can't be traced back to one source so all spinach could be at risk of a visit from the Coli. The nasty greens are mostly being found in those nifty bags of spinach you see at the grocery store, but they could be present in restaurant cooking or anywhere else spinach is used.

Just to freak you all out a little more, here is a brief description (which I completely plagiarized from the yahoo story) of what E. coli can do to the body:

E. coli causes diarrhea, often with bloody stools. Most healthy adults can recover completely within a week, although some people -- including the very young and old -- can develop a form of kidney failure that often leads to death.

Bloody stools?
Kidney Failure?
Death?
OH FUCK!

Bottom line: Beware Spinach.
-Derek

P.S. It is a lesser known fact that most spinach prefer to wear Converse sneakers, as the art shows. Just FYI.

Live Muzik: The Advantage

Hello all,

It is time for me to start up yet another feature here on the Johnny U. "Live Muzik" is going to talk about different live shows that I feel are special (or unspecial) enough to be commented on in blog form. I'm gonna start this thing up with The Advantage, a band from Sacramento that specializes in taking the music from old Nintendo games and adapting that music to guitar, bass and drums.

Nintendo game music from the first generation Nintendo system was never meant to be played in this way. The synthesized beeps of boops are in such intricate orders and ridiculous speeds that to play them on guitar would require like 35 fingers. Or 11 arms. Or a bad ass robot programmed to play Nintendo music. Or...these California dudes.


They blazed through music from Mega Man, Metal Gear (my personal favorite), Gradius, Contra and Super Mario. The entire time it sounded, note for note, like the music from the old Nintendo games, except it rocked really, extremely, and very hard.

The experience was also heightened by the fact that the band consisted of a bass player who looked like a chilled out Biblical character, two guitar players (one who was wearing a purple sleeveless T and black jorts...YES!) who looked perpetually sleepy (or stoned...whatever) and a drummer who looked like Animal from The Muppets. The drummer would look at the other members of the band with a scary intensity. He would also sometimes look into the crowd with this same intensity. At one point, for a fleeting second, his black eyes caught mine and I had to look away before my head exploded from the rock powers he was throwing at me. The four dudes (other than the drummer...who was a wound up ball of crazed energy) really had no "stage presence" but the precision that I knew it took to play the riffs these dudes were playing made me turn a blind eye to the fact that they were dismissing all forms of rock stage antics.


The questions this band would raise would be, first, do you have to know and/or like old school Nintendo music to like this band? And second, do you have to be someone who knows enough about music and instruments to appreciate the skill these songs require to really like them?

As far as the first one is concerned I would say no. If you are familiar with Nintendo game music you may get something extra out of an Advantage show but if you don't you're still going to appreciate the awesome rock that is being blasted into your general direction. The lack of singing (because Nintendo games don't have singing...but they should) can be a detractor to some but so many of the guitar lines serve the purpose of a vocal part that, for me, it didn't make a difference.

To answer the second question I would say no as well, but on that one it definitely helps if you know just how difficult the stuff these dudes are playing is. For me, during certain lulls in the show where the dudes would keep playing the same Bomberman riff over and over or something I would be able to simply examine the fingerings and rhythms and marvel at the monumental speed and difficulty they demanded.

Overall, this was one of the best shows I've ever seen. My mouth was agape in awe throughout. Go see The Advantage live. Do it.

The Advantage (myspace)
The Advantage (website)

8.5/10
Derek

DEREK 360: Fish Rebellion! (update)

The fish rebellion that I have been talking about for the past month took its first high profile casualty a few hours ago.

Steve Irwin, the man better known as "The Crocodile Hunter", was killed by a stingray off the coast of Australia. The stingray stuck Irwin with a barb. The barb pierced his chest and killed him.

Big Pooga could not be reached for comment.

More on this to come.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Nuts Busted

Hello everyone.

This one should probably be another installment in my stupid person time feature but I couldn't resist putting the words "bust" and "nut" in the title. I am a child.

In Gainesville, Florida a glitch at the University of Florida Women's Health Center killed thousands of sperm samples. Some of the samples belonged to men who had stored the sperm because of impotency fears. That is a major bummer right there. The glitch caused the temperature in the sperm cooler tank things to rise without warning. The sperm scientists (or spermitists) thought they had detected the problem and saved the sperm in time, but they were wrong. All of the sperm were killed.


The Spermitists at The University of Florida Women's Health Center are a bunch of fucking murderers.

To ensure this doesn't happen again I want to urge all of the dudes out there to always keep a few sperm samples on hand in your fridge at home. Just remember to ALWAYS label these samples clearly. Also, I'm sure those sperm killing murderers down in Florida could use some new sperm samples to replenish their sperm coffers so feel free to "bust a nut" into a baby food jar, write "Florida" on said jar and hand it to your local mail person. They will know what to do. Remember tomorrow is Labor Day so all sperm deliveries will have to wait until Tuesday.

Together we can all make a difference. For sperm. For man. For all.
-Derek

Quick update: 2006 Cinema in review.

Hello, JUHSers. Here is my brief list for the top 5 best movies of 2006 so far. Ready? I'm ready.

5. HOSTEL
4. THE HILLS HAVE EYES
3. THE DESCENT
2. SUPERMAN RETURNS (also the most underrated film of the year)
1. V FOR VENDETTA

Wow. What a crappy list. Superhero movies and horror flicks. 2006 needs to get its head in the game.

-Michael Thomas

Their Land Is Strong Earth

OK, so I completely ripped this off from a Sports Guy column. But honestly, I would be doing our readers a disservice if I didn't show it to them. It really needs no introduction. Enjoy.



Pay particular attention to the 2:20 mark. Brilliant.

Andrew (JUhS)

Hey guys.

Been awhile since I've posted, and I just wanted to take the time to remind everyone:

If you think James Blunt is talented you should fucking drown yourself.

That's all. Bye world!

-Tits Drexler

DEREK 360: Awesome-vertising

YO!

Today, in this edition of Awesome-vertising, I am going to present the greatest ad of all time. I heard Super Timor can help you travel through time if you slap yourself in the face enough as it's being sprayed. Oh, it also kills bugs (I assume). Bugs and time travel! HELL YEAH! Super Timor is awesome! If the spokesman was Billy Dee Williams this ad would be perfect, but, even without the magic of Billy Dee it's the mostest spectacularest ad of all timez. Here it is for your enjoyment.


Super Timor!,
Derek

DEREK 360: People love to fake it.

Hello friends,

I've been a busy man this past week. I have been wandering the globe searching for information about a few stories I am currently working on. This is not one of them. I mostly just want you all to think I'm a bad ass globe-trotting, jet-setting reporter type. It may or may not be total bullshit.

This story is about faking it.

*In the past few weeks the American public has been blown away by coverage about John Mark Karr and his supposed killing of the wee beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey back in 1996. The press sniffed this story all the way over in Thailand like three weeks ago and the scent was so strong they didn't let it go. They posted every little detail about Mr. Karr's creepy fucked up lifestyle. They sensationalized his quotes about his "love" for JonBenet. They quickly talked about the fact that every single man and woman and even a few animals in America saw Johnny Karr on the night of the killing. They blew this thing out of proportion like crazy and in the end John Mark Karr loves to fake it.


Johnny Karr's DNA does not match the gross festering petri dishes of murderer DNA that we still have sitting around from '96. Now he can go back to his "normal" life. He'll have a quick stop off in California to get a slap on the wrist for some child porno charges, but after that he can get right back down to the business of being the creepiest mother fucker to hit the media scene since Dahmer.

*In New Orleans there was a major natural disaster a year ago. There is nothing fake about that. However, on Monday a man stood up at a conference in New Orleans and made claims about public housing. He said he was the deputy assistant secretary of the department of housing and urban development (HUD). He spoke after the Louisiana governor and my favorite mayor, Ray Ray Nagin. He said that HUD was halting plans to demolish thousands of units in the area. However, the man loves to fake it.

The dude dissapeared quickly after his speech. What he said was total bullshit. He left a card behind proclaiming that the whole conference had just been the victim of an elaborate prank. Ashton Kutcher was not involved and all those HUD units are getting destroyed.

*I'm sitting here right now watching the movie Proof. It's got Anthony Hopkins, Jake Gylenhaal and Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth Paltrow is supposedly a great actress. She's got an Oscar trophy and the fact that she hasn't made a movie in like two years actually matters to people. However, Gwenny loves to fake it.

Because she sucks.

YAYYYYYY,
Derek

Fidel Castro: Last Will and Testament

Hola compadres and amigos. Your good friend, Fidel Castro, here. That picture is from my Liam Neeson phase days. Its quite flattering, if I must speak so myself I. Over the past few semanas there have been reports of me being in no so bueno health. Though greatly exaggerated, there is some truth to these rumors. Si mi amigos. It looks as if my days on this planet are labeled with numbers and those labels are running in order like 34,33,32,31 ecksetara ecksetara. You know. Getting smaller and more pequeno. I am indeed infermo. I decided I should probably start preparing for the death end of my life being over.



Being said that, I made up my brain to make up my "last will and testament" (as my lawyer says is). I have placed it in the hands of the only compadres I trust in the world: Los Padres del Simposio Juanny Utah. These hombres have filled me with feliz jelly for some times now and I knew that the only way to make sure my words were not thrown away like basura was to ask for the grace of permission from The Padres to publish this last request of mine. I asked and was met with a muy fuerte "YEAH MANS!" Haha. I usually would be feasting on the corazon ensalada of ensalada y corazones of those who displayed such disrespect to me, but not from these jokester fun funny cabelleros.

Before I start, I'd like to open up with a few laugh jokes. What do you call four of my fellow Cubans sinking in quick sand? CUATRO SINKO! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Did you hear that Hooters Big Boob Restuarant of Wings and Beer and Whores is starting their own airline? SI! Es cierto! All the assigned chair seats are 32DD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Tito, hand me some hand 5 finger skin on the low!!!

A few weeks ago was my birthday. Yeah, it's ok that you missed it. A lot of people here in Cuba-land did too. They're dead now. Fortunately for you I have turned new leaf and will let you skin by. But speaking of cumpleanos, what is the worst gift you can give someone for their special day surprise.........?!


....AIDS!!!!!



Ok. Enough funny. On to business.

First, I would like to warn you all that my heart is wired to a sensor which in turn is also wired to sensors which is rigged to some boom fire explosions planted all around the world. This is just exactly as Juanny Utah Padre, Andy, predicted. When my heart stops...EXPLODE! Reminds me of a would you rather. Would you rather: get exploded crotch first and die? ...or win the $900,000,000,000 tax free lottery?

As many of you know. I have mucho dinero. I would like to will half of it to my good amigo, Tom Cruise for him to start his new production company. I am actually half Scientologist and half Methodist...or as I like to call myself SCIENTIST! (Laugh you stubborn assholes before I fire squad you to death). The rest will be donated towards the budget of the greatest show ever made, Blue Collar TV. NOT! BOY DOES THAT SHOW FUCKING SUCK! FUCK THOSE HILLBILLY AMERICAN FUCKS! Hey, America! That's why I hate you! Not because of the Bay of Pigs or free commerce or anything. Geez. Hey! JEFF FOXWORTHY! PUT DOWN YOUR SISTERS PENIS FROM YOUR MOUTH! Am I right?!

I will my copy of Surf Ninjas to that dirty Pollock Mike Sopadoogee (JUS). I will my mustache to that dirty Wop Andrew (JUhS). I will my love of bestiality to that dirty Kraut Derek (JUS). I will my strip of oceanside sex-slave dwellings (or as I call it the "Pleasure Peninsula") as well as all the disease free, horny womens and riches inside to Andy (JUhS). As well, all you boys will receive equal shares of my fleet of Packard automobiles. If I regret anything, its that I would have been able to drive one of those PT Chryslers. Dios mio, they are the knees of bees....or the "tits" in my Juanny Utah speak.

I leave my cigar collection to my son, and former Atlanta Brave pitcher, Steve Avery. I leave my gator suit (with matching boots) to Flaunt-It Flaunt-It Gary. The rest of my things will be divided up on a first come, first serve basis where people will bid and then depending upon the highest price offered within a certain market for said items, the highest paying person will recieve said item. The true communist way.

I'd like to thank my lawyer, the dead and now human cadaver lawyer puppet of Johnnie Cochran. He and I worked well together and made love even better.

So that wraps it up. Before I die, I just wanted to say: Mandy Moore...you're a classy piece of ass and I'm glad I got the chance to spank it to your picture. I want Jay-Z and "Diddy" to MC my funeral and for 500 virgins to be sacrificed so I have something to keep me occupied when I'm out of this bitch.

Thank you all for your time.

Hasta la vista, baby.


Fidel "The Ghostman Wolf" Castro(JUhS)

DEREK 360: Crass Mistake or Exciting New Idea?

Recently in Stockholm, Sweden a porn movie was visible on a monitor in the background during a late night five minute news update. The news was Swedish and the porn was identified as being Czech. Supposedly the people at the news station had been watching a sports program earlier in the day on the channel, Canal Plus. Unfortunately for the newsdudes, Canal Plus plays X-rated movies after a certain time in the evening. They left the monitor on to better give the news break that whole "we've got lots of monitors on lots of different television stations to better demonstrate that we are finely tuned into the news of the world" look. It is also known as the "we look smart" look. It's popular in newsrooms across the world. The porn was on for like a minute before a producer named Per Yng (really awesome name) turned it off.

On one side of the coin I can see this as being a crass and disgusting mistake. What if a little kid had been watching this late night news break? The kid would have, no doubt, grown up to be a sexual deviant with a fetish for Czech sex on tiny screens.

However, on the other side of that porno-mixed-with-news coin is the beginnings of an exciting new idea. What if we incorporated elements of porno into all news? What if Charles Gibson was reading the news in a field packed with naked chicks dancing with one another? How about Barbara Walters standing in a sweaty room populated by three dudes and one chick? She can read the news while the other four people do...other things. We could have Bill O'Reilly move the whole O'Reilly Factor team from his rad studio set to a farm filled with "naughty animals"? We could incorporate porno into all elements of the news and we could...hmmm.

Yeah, this is a really bad idea. Crass mistake Sweden, crass mistake.

To all of the journalists who read this blog, I apologize.
-Derek

Uhhhhhh

Wow. That looks fun. I wonder if it's complete with the watery death at the bottom. Maybe they have a little part that simulates freezing to death in the Atlantic. Now THAT is what I would want at my 5th birthday party.

(NOTE: This post is basically plagiarized from a brilliant piece on our "sister blog". Nice work Lindsay.)

WEEEEEEEE,
Derek

DEREK 360: Fish Rebellion!

Friends and Neighbors,

We have got a serious problem on our hands.

A few weeks ago I reported on a story in which a marlin stabbed a dude. The dude was fishing and the whole thing appeared to be an accident. Unfortunately, some new facts have come to light which make me believe that that incident was no accident. It was merely another felled domino in an awesome Domino Rally style domino display. Last week I stumbled upon another article. This article made it pretty clear that we are facing a serious problem.

On August 9, a man in Florida was enjoying his day with a bit of jet skiiing. He was going along minding his own business when a four foot long sturgeon leapt out of the water and knocked the man into the water. This is for realz. The dude would have died had his special lady not been behind him, ready to keep his head above water until paramedics could airlift him out.

The same article also reveals that in April, on the same body of water (the Suwannee River) a three foot sturgeon sent a woman to the hospital when it jumped out of the water and into her boat. Officials are trying to downplay this whole thing by claiming that a few of these fish jumping "accidents" happen annually but that, unfortunately, is not the truth.

Last week I, hungry for the truth, went down to Florida to do some digging (digging in this case has nothing to do with National Dig in the Dirt Week...oh and that has been expanded as well...it's now National Dig in the Dirt Month...just FYI). I asked countless local fisherdudes about the strange happenings on and around the Suwannee River. One fisherdude told me that the two incidents I was mentioning were not the result of seperate fish. He claimed that the sturgeon who jumped in the boat in April was the same sturgeon who busted the jet skiier in the eye in August. This fisherdude was as wise as the desert is hot.

"That mother-fuckin' fish must've growed like a damn foot. It was about three feet in April and then in August it was a little more than four. That sturgeon's been eating human flesh...that's what's doing it."


Wait, the fish are eating humans? The wise old fisherdude went on to tell me that this one infamous sturgeon, which he called Big Pooga, could talk and had told him that "it was mother-fucking time for a change". Wise Old Fisherdude told me that he spoke to Big Pooga at length and Pooga laid out a full plan on how he was gonna rally the schools and lead the fish in a fish rebellion. The fish, after eating some human flesh...and absorbing some human powers, will overtake the human species and rule the world. Pooga had told him that, "the world is mostly water anyway...right?".

Admittedly, I was still skeptical at this point. I asked the Wise Old Fisherdude why Big Pooga had decided to just chat it up with him as opposed to eat his flesh. At this query, Wise Old Fisherdude rolled up the pant leg on his Bugle Boy Jeans and revealed a righteous pegleg. Whoa.

After I interviewed other fisherdudes I discovered that the marlin incident was linked and that the government has been trying to cover up countless other fish related attacks. The reason for the cover up is simply that if the public knew, the public would "fucking shit their pants". An incident with a school of clownfish (yeah, the ultra-cute Nemo fish) sinking a mid-sized yacht, and evsicerating the crew left me especially shaken.

I finally convinced the Wise Old Fisherdude to arrange a meeting with me and Big Pooga. We met near the shore on the southeastern corner of the Suwannee. I kept my distance and he kept his reponses short. I asked him only 4 questions. That was all it took to know.

Q: Are you leading a fish rebellion to take over the world?
A: Yes.

Q: How long do we, as humans, have left?
A: Months.

Q: What kind of a stupid fucking name is Big Pooga?
A: My name is Willy, not Big Pooga. The Wise Old Fisherdude is a stupid drunk asshole. He is unreliable, foul smelling and a poor wingman at a bar. He will not drive you to your girlfriends house if she calls you. He will not look you in the eye when he talks to you. He is a snake and his leg tasted like ass. I plan on making a hat out of his ribs once a few more steps to my rebellion come to fruition.

Q: Do you have a wrath?
A: Oh yes, and you will all feel it.

So there you have it. We've got "months" before everything we know changes.

Save everyone you can.
-Derek

Video Countdown #1: Hi, Spike Jonze.

Sorry, guys. I would have updated this yesterday, but I was getting blown by a robot.

Okay, confession time. This list is a sham. If I hadn't been operating under self-imposed rules the list would be completly different. The middle three would have looked something like this:

4. "California" by WAX
3. "Buddy Holly" by WEEZER
2. "Sabotage" by THE BEASTIE BOYS

It doesn't because all those vidoes were directed by Spike Jonze, and in the interst of diversity, I made sure each video had a different director.

That being the case, the number one video is, inarguably, the greatest work of art set to music. Better than the bank robbery scene in HEAT, 9/11 montages set to "Walk On," and anything by the BLUE MAN GROUP.

Here, for your viewing pleasure and mind explodings, is my pick for the greatest music video of all time:

1. "Weapon of Choice" by FATBOY SLIM




Thank you and goodnight.

-Michael Thomas

Video Countdown: Why Does Michael Thomas love animated music videos so much?

I have no idea. But Pearl Jam's "Do The Evolution" is the 2nd coolest video ever made.


#2: "Do The Evolution" by PEARL JAM




See what I mean?

Video Countdown #'s 4 and 3

#4: "1979" by THE SMASHING PUMPKINS

How Billy Corgan went from 90's rock god to 00's prime asshole is an entry for another day. So let's bask in the glow of his better years with a little ode to childhood angst:




#3: "Tomorrow Comes Today" by GORILLAZ

Now let's cool out with some Gorillaz. Their first album is a strong contender for my top five, and "Tomorrow Comes Today" is my favorite track.

That's about that. See you assholes Saturday for the top two.

-Michael Thomas

Michael Thomas Celebrates His Birthday: Video Countdown

I turn 24 on Saturday. Strange age to be. I feel like Charles Bukowski after getting tossed out of a bar on his way to get manhandled and assaulted by his vicious landlord. Awesome.

To celebrate my next step into manhood, I've decided to celebrate by counting down my five favorite music videos. Which makes these five videos pretty much the best ever.

#5: "Idioteque" and "Karma Police" by RADIOHEAD

After much deliberation (a couple seconds) and help from JUHS-supporter and boss roommate Danny Jordan, I've decided video #5 is a tie. While substance whys, "Karma Police" is a great video with a good song, "Idioteque" is great video with a better song. Since the Studio City chapter of The Johnny Utah Symposium has deemed Radiohead to be the best band of our generation, a tie is not only excused, it is fitting.

Enjoy.

KARMA POLICE



IDIOTEQUE

Existentialism

Ninja fuckin' reflexes, indeed:



I'm going to get shat on for this.

-Michael Thomas

!QUIK HITZ! (Post #100)

Let's learn stuff!

Let's do it QUIK!

1. ONE. UNO.

First of all, go here and watch this little movie. Then sit back and ask yourself if it's possible to "time track travel speed" like in that movie Back to the Future. I usually try to avoid anything having to do with Britney Spears but this was just too ridiculous for me to pass up. Enjoy.

2. TWO. DOS.

I want to present this movie (which was brought to my attention by the venerable Nels St. Claire). I couldn't find a good, unedited copy of it on Youtube so I want to thank Paul Huebl and his bad ass blog. Sweet headshot Paul.

The dude in this movie (I want to call him Reggie D.) makes me very happy. Reggie D. and Britney should hook up and manage a street corner in the darkest corner of Eastern Europe with equal parts violent menace and time traveling prowess.

3. THREE. TRES.

We are still in the midst of the first annual National Dig in the Dirt Week and, as you all have seen, the members of the Johnny have been discovering some interesting things. I uncovered Rasputin's bones (which sing to me at night...it's fucked up), Michael uncovered Mel Gibson and Andrew found two of the stars from the Karate Kid. Wait a second here...Mel Gibson was buried in a field in L.A.? Hey, if it's on the Johnny, it must be true...or something.

The point is, keep on digging and maybe you can uncover something equally epic.



This is the 100th post on the Johnny Utah Symposium. It's very exciting. Thank you to the readers for reading this drivel day after day. I hope the next 100 posts are even awesomer.

Uh huh.
-Derek

Let's watch movies: The Island

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch The Island. This movie came out last year and it stars Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Djimon Hounsou and Seen Been. This movie is not based on the crappy Peter Benchley book of the same name. That book was about pirates. This movie is about clones. This movie also has nothing to do with herpes.

Ewan and Scarlett play a pair of clones who do not know they are clones. Seen Been, in classic scientist-dude-playing-God-with-a-smarmy-British-accent mode, is the propreitor of a giant underground utopian world where rich people in the real world have paid money to house their clones until they are needed for organ transplants and kinky sex play (mmmm). The clones are living blissfully until Ewan's clone starts to get curious about stuff. Why can't he eat bacon? Why do these overly aggressive dudes in black jumpsuits give him shit everytime he gets too close to Scarlett? What's up with this island thing?

Oh, the island is the place they tell the clones they are going to when their real world counterpart needs to harvest organs from them. Hmmm. This is confusing. The clones in Seen Been's utopian society are told this string of lies about how the outside world is contaminated. The last remaining noncontaminated spot on the globe is the island. Seen Been has a rigged lottery whenever he needs some organs and the winner of the lottery gets offed (but they think, up until they're on the operating table, that they are going to the island). You know what I mean?

This is awful.

Did i mention that it's set in the future.

Eventually Ewan busts out of the underground utopia and takes Scarlett with him. From there they get to Los Angeles (but it's future L.A. so there's like tons of trains and some vehicles can hover now). In future L.A. the movie provides the viewers with its best nine or ten minutes. There's a pretty sweet car chase thing with a bunch of stuff falling off of an eighteen-wheeler (except, because it is the future, it's got like twenty plus wheels) and that stuff hitting cars and trucks and killing lots of people.

The entire time Scarlett is grunting and screaming in the most unsexy baritone rasp imaginable. She yells words like "Run!" and "Lincoln!" (that's Ewan's name and her fav president) with the tone you'd expect from a professional wrestler. Unsexy.

Oh, and Djimon Hounsou is in there too and for some reason he is ridiculously shiny in every scene. Is he sweaty like all of the time or is his skin just crazy shiny? Who knows. Good work with the silent "D" though.

Right now I would like to say how I got off track in this review, but, to be off track you have to be on track in the first place...which I was not. So...let's do some pros and cons.

+PROS+
+That car chase was pretty fun.
+Despite knowing that this movie kinda sucks, I didn't really mind watching it. I think that's a Pro.

-CONS-
-Most of this movie is pretty crappy.
-This movie somehow manages to waste the talents of both Michael Clarke Duncan and Steve Buscemi. Well, the talents of Buscemi anyway.
-The bass utterances of Scarlett. Unsexy.
-The ending sucks.

This is an awful review.

I give this film a 4.65537 out of 10
-Derek

The Tragedy of Michael Thomas

by Danny Jordan, as told to Tits Drexler and Salazar Scuttle

There once was a boy named Michael Thomas. He was a boy with dreams, passions, and a desire to make it in the business. The film business. One day, Michael decided to pack his bags, leave his home, and head out to the great city of Los Angeles to make a name for himself and cure his depression.

Well, Michael moved to Los Angeles and found himself a small apartment in North Hollywood. There he set up his base, and was ready to set out into the city to make his dreams come true.

He started giving blow jobs on street corners, as practice for his big break. Michael Thomas got very good at giving blow jobs, but after a few months he started to feel like a failure. He was considering quitting this crazy life and moving back to his home... in Wisconsin.

One night, Michael Thomas was drowining his sorrows in a bar, when Bryan Singer walked in, and sat down next to him. Michael Thomas got excited because he knew how the prolific director felt about young boys, and even though Michael was a little too old for Bryan's taste, Michael was sure he could satisfy.

So Michael Thomas and Bryan Singer began talking, and Mr. Singer decided that he liked Michael. So much so, that he invited him back to his home in Beverly Hills.

Back at Bryan's home, Michael was getting nervous. This was his big break, and he knew how disapointed everyone in Wisconsin would be if Michael came back a failure. Before he could dwell any longer on his doubts, the front door opened. In walk Paul Thomas Anderson (PTA to his friends.) Michael could not ask for a better audition, so he went straight to work.

All Michael's practice seemed to pay off, because Bryan Singer and PTA were very satisfied with Michael's work. Michael, full of pride and ego, asked the two master's about job opportunities.

Instead of offering work, Bryan Singer and Paul Thomas Anderson stabbed Michael. Then they through his body into the Beverly Hills Ocean.

And there he floats to this day. Dead, bloated, and dejected.

The End

Hong Kong Dig Day

JUhSers,

Uhhh ... I think I screwed up. I may have dug a bit too far. I found these two:


Is this OK?

Feeling a Little Awkward,
Andrew
"Proud JUhS Member Since 2006!"

p.s. - There's also an employee here named Queenie Tran ... you can't make this stuff up ...

KEEP ON DIGGING!

Hey there,

I hope all of you novice archaeologists out there had a prolific day of digging up awesome stuff yesterday. I know I did! I found this:


I know! Holy shit!

I've been running some sweet tests on these bones in the Johnny Lab and all signs point to these bones being the bones of Rasputin and some other dude. This is a big find. Rasputin's bones are supposed to have a crazy hex on them (according to a periodical of note) so I currently have them locked up in my downstairs bathroom. Oh, and don't worry, I totally washed my hands after handling the bones.

All of this excitement has inspired me to turn National Dig in the Dirt Day into National Dig in the Dirt WEEK! So just keep on digging and trust me, you will find something awesome. If you dig deep enough you may just find lava.

OH YEAH!
-Derek

NATIONAL DIG IN THE DIRT DAY '06

Hello everyone!

This Tuesday, August 1, is the first annual "National Dig in the Dirt Day". This event is being sponsored by the Johnny Utah Symposium and it is going to be a prolific day of glorious archaeological discovery. I know this seems totally random (and a little weird) but the events of this previous week have paved the path towards this new holiday. Let me explain:

On July 25th, some dudes in Dublin were digging in a bog (hell yes a bog) when they saw something in the bog muck. They turned off their backhoes and went in closer to examine the object. It was an ancient book of psalms dating back to the year 800. It was open to Psalm 83, in which God hears complaints of other nations' attempts to wipe out the name of Israel. Uhhhhhh. Dublin? What? Read the full story here and view some really awful pictures of the document covered in bog muck.

On July 26th, some other dudes in Virginia were checking out an old well (and I know that's not really digging in the dirt, but it's close) when they found some sweet relics from early America. They found an old pistol, a leather shoe and a sweet plaque that simply reads "James Towne". The relics are estimated to be roughly 400 years old. You can read this full story here and see a sweet pic of some bearded dude holding the muddy found gun.

These two incidents have made it perfectly clear to me that we, as human beings, don't spend enough time digging in the dirt for awesome stuff. Dinosaur bones, human skeletons, alien technology, different larvae, toxic waste, amulets, stuff from the titanic, relics from past times, Atlantis. These are just examples of some of the sweet stuff you could find if you simply walk into your backyard, harness the raw power of a shovel, and dig. I'd say a minimum of four feet down would be a good start but the deeper the better.

I want our millions (cough) of readers out there to join in on the fun and take part in this brand new holiday. Tell your friends and polish your shovels. DIG DIG DIG!

Full update on Wednesday where we catalog all the awesome stuff we find. Below is a sweet poster. Feel free to print some off and post them at your local mercantile.


I'm totally serious...about all of this.
-Derek

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "Working the Night Shit"

Hello globe!
Am I asleep?
Is this dream?
Is this real?

Hello globe!
This is shit!
What is this?
Is this shit?

I hath shat my pant.

-Bad Poetry Guy

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Readers,

It is time once again for the occasional Johnny Utah feature, "Stupid Person Time".

Today we are going down to the Bermuda area for the tale of a fisherman who got his damn self stabbed while fishing for marlin. Marlin, more specifically blue marlin, can grow to be really huge (like 800lb.) and they have a natural sword shaped protuberance coming out of their foreheads. They are the narwhal of the fish world.

Ian Card, a 32 year old fisherman, was fishing with his father when all of a sudden the fish he had on his hook did its natural fishy thing and jumped out of the water (huh?). It jumped face first right into Ian's chest and stabbed the shit out of him. The force knocked him right out of the boat and into the water.

From here Mr. Card managed to "free himself" from the marlin's tusk/horn/sword/thing and...wait a second here. How do you free yourself? This dude got presumably run through by this fish's nose sword and then he somehow managed to pull the thing out? Did he leverage himself against the side of the boat and push as he watched gallons of his blood paint the water around him. I know this is supposed to be "Stupid Person Time" but this Ian Card dude is kind of a bad ass. If I got run through by a marlin tusk I'd flip out and probably just die. The marlin would carry me under the water and introduce me to the mayor of marlin town. They would show me all the coral-crafted landmarks of their marlin made metropolis. It would be magnificent...wait, what was I talking about?

Ok, back on track here. Ian Card managed to get loose and was treated at a local hospital after a 40 minute boat ride back to shore. He is alive but "very lucky" according to a doctor who treated him.

Ian, you are the subject of "Stupid Person Time" because:
1. You got stabbed by a fish...and that's awesome. Wait, no, that's stupid.
2. You got away from your marlin assailant and in doing so flushed your ticket to marlin town down the toilet.

In honor of you, Ian, I created a cautionary poster for future fisherdudes to learn from. I used fellow Johnny founding dad dude, Andrew, as the subject of this poster because if there is one guy I know who could get stabbed by a fish it's him.


I think this post might suck.
-Derek

Oh yes.

This is the most important and awesome video of all timez! AHHH! YEAH!



Uhhhhhhhh.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Ernie Reyes Jr.

Everything in this article is true.

Ernie Reyes Jr. is an actor. You may remember him as Keno in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II or as Johnny in Surf Ninjas. He is one of these karate dudes who burst onto the scene in the early 1990's, a time when awesomely awful karate based movies (like TMNT2 and Surf Ninjas) were sort of popular. Unfortunately for Mr. Reyes Jr. the age of the shitty karate based movie did not last. Mr. Reyes Jr. suffered from a serious lack of work for many years and it is in the midst of this career "dryspell" that our story takes off.


Fellow Johnny Founding Dad Dude Mike and myself were in our first year at University and we were bored. Mike stumbled upon this, which looked way worse five years ago. He instantly remembered (fondly) that reign of Reyes and the many parts that had made him into a legend in like half of 1991. We sat there for several hours just "shooting the shit" about how awesome Ernie was and how that dude "needs to get back into more movies". We were being sarcastic but sometimes sarcastic gets things done.

At the bottom of the website (at the time) there was a crude email link inviting us to "get in touch with Ernie". We contemplated what to say in our first correspondence with the man who was Luke Chen in a 1988 episode of MacGyver entitled Murderers' Sky (that's not a typo on the apostrophe...don't ask me). Mike and I decided that the best way to get Ern's attention would be to pitch him a sweet (and entirely fake) movie project.

From here on out large chunks of this epic story will be told through the actual emails that were exchanged between us and Ernie Reyes Jr.'s business manager. Our first email said the following:

Dear Mr. Reyes,

I am a film maker who has been a fan of yours since March 20, 1991 when I saw your work in the blockbuster Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze. Since then I have followed your career closely and you have not dissapointed. I especially enjoyed your role in Surf Ninjas in 1993 alongside your father. I anticipated a sequel but, unfortunately, was left with nothing. Since then I have continued to follow your work closely both on and off the screen. Your extensive martial arts skills still impress my associates and I. I was pleased to see your face once again on the big screen this summer as Zing in Rush Hour 2.

Well, I guess I should cut to the chase. I am developing a film entitled the Six Shooter for the screen. It is a kung fu western filmed with a tarantino-esque Sergio Leone hybrid style. The true feel of it is hard to explain right here but a good example is the film A Knights Tale. It's a raw western filled with anachronism, pathos, and enough martial arts to appease any enthusiast. I believe that you would be truly perfect for one of the roles in my new film. I hope that you can respond to me or at least tell me a better way to reach you. I thank you for your time and best of luck in the future.

Sincerely,
Derek


From here Mike and I sat back and waited. We really didn't expect to hear anything back, but, only a few hours later we did. His business manager, Sue, (who I still think was just Ernie using a different name...I mean come on. Ernie Reyes Jr. has a fucking business manager? Yeah, sure) responded with this:

Dear Derek,

Thank you for your nice note to Ernie. I am his business manager, and if you would like Ernie to read your script, please send to:

Ernie Reyes Jr.
CALIFORNIA ADDRESS

How far along are you on your project, or have you just started? If Ernie is interested in the project, we would help you get it produced.

Thanks for writing. I look forward to reading your script.

Best regards,
Sue

Help us "get it produced"? WHAT? They wanted the script to our totally fake anachronistic kung fu western called The Six Shooter but we didn't have a script to give them. At this junction we did what any pair of dudes in our situation would do. We bullshitted them into believing that we had the script done but not polished enough to where we were comfortable sending it. We said things like:

"We have always seen Mr. Reyes as the title character and we want his opinions on how to make that title character more suitable for him."

And,

"It starts in a hyper western atmosphere but as the film progresses elements of future and past cultures will blend together into what we think is one hell of an electrifying film. It's shaping up to be kind of a Matrix meets The Wild Bunch kind of feature."


We also included, with this email, the first couple scenes for Ernie to review and give us his thoughts. It was in these scenes that Mike and I's bullshitting went over the edge of reason. The four pages of non-formatted cinema magic were too much awesome for Ernie, or anyone, to handle. In the pages Ernie kicked a bullet back at a dude after said dude (who had a glass eye) tried to shoot him. It was some seriously intense shit. If you're totally insane and would like a copy of those first scenes from The Six Shooter just leave an email address in the comments section and it will arrive in your inbox at some point. After you have it feel free to read it and just cry. Cry because you know that you just read the first few scenes from what would have probably been the best movie ever made but unfortunately some actors just couldn't help us realize the dream. I'm getting a little ahead of myself...

After we sent the scenes, Ernie and Sue dodged us for quite some time. We had obviously blown their fucking minds and words just did not exist that could fully articulate just how rocked they had been by the excerpt they had read. Eventually we had to send a follow up email asking "whats up Ernie?". We threw out this threat in the follow up email which may have rubbed Big Ern the wrong way:

"We can easily line up another martial arts enthusiast to look over the role, it's just that we truly wrote it for Mr. Reyes."

At this, Ernie's camp finally responded with a firm "no". They told us some lie about how Ernie was busy with another project.

Why did I just recount all of this into a massive blog entry here on The Johnny Utah Symposium? We didn't make the movie. We didn't even meet Mr. Reyes Jr. This is fundamentally a bad story. It has a promising beginning, a decent yet slowly decaying middle and a complete let down of an ending where the two protagonists (Mike and I) just fail. Why am I putting this on the Johnny? WHY?

Because it is awesome.

Sorry about the length though. Do better next time.
-Derek

P.S. As for Ernie now, he is hosting a show on MTV called Final Fu. It's like a Kung Fu based gameshow...I think. I only managed to sit through about a half minute of it. It was bad.

Idle

This dude is awesome. Obviously. The millions of people who voted for him can't be wrong.

"I do it my way, cause that's what I say"

Huh? Ford Trux? What?

-Derek

DEREK 360: Current Events and the Recipe for Peace.

The Johnny Utah Symposium loves current events. We thrive on them. Sometimes though, the powerful negativity of a week's events can make the men of the Johnny sad. This past week was one of these weeks. Here's the rundown on a shitty week:

1. Red Buttons died.
2. There was a major terrorist attack in India.
3. A building exploded and collapsed in New York City.
4. Syd Barrett died.
5. Oil prices soared.
6. The ozone layer continued to melt.
7. Mr. T gave up his gold chains.
8. The stock market had a really hard week.
9. A man in his 80's was arrested for selling crack to a woman in exchange for prostititution (no joke).

Oh, and

10. Israel and the Lebanese group known as Hezbollah went to war with each other.

I put that last one last because it is, in my opinion, the gravest current event in a week of grave current events (though that India thing was seriously hardcore). The past two days have been punctuated hourly by new proclamations of war between the two sides. Buildings being destroyed and people being slaughtered.

I also put that one last on my list of doom because it is the easiest to fix of the ten. For reals.

All we have to do is use the power of American cinema. Little Man came out today and I can tell you, even without seeing it, that it's gonna be one of the seven most awesomely hilarious movies of all time. So funny, in fact, that all we need to do to cease this new conflict in the middle east is load up some planes (and this is all demonstrated in the crude representation below) with televisions or monitors showing Little Man, fly these planes over the areas in turmoil and drop the monitors down into the heart of the conflict. The people fighting will take a second to look over at one of the televisions and break out laughing at the sight of a baby with Marlon Wayans' face (I'm laughing right now just thinking about it). This laughter will encourage others from both sides to look at the televisions until finally all the dudes who were once fighting are now watching a movie, high fiving a lot, and making sweet treaties.


Hezbollah loves Marlon Wayans.
-Derek

DEREK 360: "Send me some of that stink"

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It has been done. It has FINALLY been done.


The Japanese have applied their brilliant scientific minds to the creation of a machine that actually "records" smells and then reproduces them. The machine records the odors and turns them into digital models. These models are then read by a seperate machine that uses combinations of 96 chemicals to reproduce the smells in a vapor form.

The scientist in charge, Takamichi Nakamoto, says that the machine is limited right now by it's large size but in the future the technology could be applied to such practical applications as sending a smell from one cell phone to another.

Holy Crap. Send some flower smells to your special lady. Send the rich stink of a nursing home on fire to your biggest enemy. Send the smell of blood to all the vampires hunting you. Send the smell of cut grass to your landscaper friends. Send the rank, disgusting odor of sewage to everybody. Send stinks from coast to coast at the push of a button.

This is exciting.

Here's the story.
-Derek

!QUIK HITZ!

Let's learn stuff!

Let's do it QUIK!

1. ONE. UNO.

Jackie Chan's reign as the most lovable, Asian, "I do all my own stunts", action star is over. The dude supposedly climbed on stage during a concert by Taiwanese singer-songwriter Jonathan Lee, claimed he was drunk, demanded a duet with Lee and tried to conduct the band. He then grabbed the microphone from Lee and lectured the already horrified audience on the many differences between his films, The Tuxedo and The Medallion. After that he held an impromptu contest to determine who his biggest fan was. The winner was brought on stage where they were guilted into stripping off all of their clothes and peeing on Jackie (at his request). Then Jackie, covered in the urine of his #1 fan, danced what he called "A Jig for Mystery" until he purposefully fell down. While on the ground he broke his own thumb on his left hand and vomited three times. The third time he beckoned for the now utterly disgusted Jonathan Lee to come on over and "mop up my droppings".

It was a rough scene.

For the real (and slightly more accurate story) you can go here.

2. TWO. DOS.

A loyal Johnny reader brought this to my attention. Mr. Bateman's sweater is amazing.

3. THREE. TRES.

Cici's Pizza Buffet may very well be "the best pizza value anywere" but it is also a true melting pot of personalities, nationalities and species.

The other day the members of the band I play music with (hsatrtg) and myself decided to conclude a hard day of practice by hitting up our local Cici's. We went in and sat down in the rear of the restaurant. We were immediately targeted by the hillbilly circus act sitting a table away from us. The pathetic monosyllabic utterances began to fly. The five people sitting diagonally from me were a realization of a white trash vision you can only imagine in the darkest and most fucking pathetic recesses of your mind. There was the the one dude who was massive. His face looking very much like what the face of an ogre or troll would look like if such things were real. If he would have been holding a massive stone club the image would have been complete. When he spoke it was an indecipherable grunt. He was flanked by three smaller dudes who did most of the talking. All of them had the look of the perfect white trash American down to a science. One was wearing a size-too-small wife beater. His "awesome" tattoos visible on his arms. The other two in oversized white T-shirts that were yellowed from the wear and tear of the daily life of a rodeo bad ass (or whatever these sad souls were). They had the token disgusting chick with them. I think she was the wife of the wife beater guy (who positioned himself to be the leader). She also had a wife beater on (they come in two packs so what the hell) and her striped bra or bathing suit top was clearly visible underneath in all of its completely unsexy glory. There was also a little girl running around, presumably the spawn of La Famile de Wife Beater.

I sat down first and began to enjoy my average-yet-cheap pizza feast when I heard them throwing words at me. I was wearing a shirt from the D.A.R.E. anti-drug program for children. They were able to read the big red word on my chest and went with their first instinct which was to just yell it out. Perhaps there first grade educations or collective double digit IQ was telling them to sound out their words and this was the reasoning behind yelling out "DARE" over and over in my direction. Another theory that just occurred to me is that maybe they knew my name somehow and were just trying to get my attention. The length of a word like "Derek" may have seemed daunting to them so early in a conversation with someone who wasn't quite on their level of grunts and hand gestures.

Whatever it was they called it out several times before I finally raised my eyes to meet them. I agreed with their exclamations with a simple, "Yes. Dare." From here my bandmate and friend Justin sat down. Justin has curly hair and it resembles an afro...I guess. I think this is what our new friends were thinking because they began to yell out "Afro" and "Hey" at Justin. He turned around quickly to greet them. It was then that they got ambitious and told Justin how funny it was that I was wearing a shirt advertising an anti-drug program while he had an afro (which is, of course, "druggie" hair). They said something about how "e'ery buddy 'n da 50's had one of dem hercuts". This statement caught me off guard simply due to the fact that these things sitting before me knew that we existed in spans of time and these spans, these decades, had names like the 50's and the 60's. Justin wasn't as impressed by the little things. He corrected wife beater man and told him that the "1960's was the decade that brought about the true rise of the afro". Wife beater man responded to this with something that I could only describe as a howl/snort/laugh/hiccup.

From here the other two members of the band arrived at our quaint little table and got the same treatment. We sat there exchanging smiles with our new friends for a while before my friend Joe got up to get more pizza (it is, after all, a buffet). On his way to the pizza line he proclaimed to the rest of us that "there are a lot of people here". There were. It was a completely accurate statement. Ogre dude, for some reason, thought that Joe's statement had in some way been a form of "shit-talking" and became slightly agitated. He addressed the remaining three at our table with a relentless series of the same query.

"Wad he talkin' shit?"

"I thing he wad talkin' some shit."

"He wad talkin' shit."

We told him that he was a fucking idiot and that Joe had simply been saying what we all knew, that there were too many people in this Cici's on this given day. I looked the ogre-man-beast in the eyes and calmy told him that, "we would never talk about you guys". This was admittedly a lie for we had been talking about the filthy specimens before us throughout the meal in our best six-inch voices. Joe came back and dealt with the same questions and accusations of "shit-talking". He, being a man of peace, told them what he really said and the howl/snort/laugh/hiccup's once again resounded.

The motley group of intellectual champions then got up. They had obviously had their fill of pizza and were ready to go do whatever it is people such as them do with the rest of their day. Maybe they went to the library. On their way out they made more exclamations about the D.A.R.E. shirt and hair styles. Their line of insults never evolved but I guess I shouldn't expect so much. They walked outside and ambled past the window we were sitting by. They, in such an utterly predictable fashion, beat on the window and gave us the one finger salute. I raised my glass to them and pleaded for them to return. They had other stuff to do unfortunately. They piled into their mini-van and drove away.

I know this is QUIK HITZ, and there was nothing quik about that blow-by-blow run down of what happened in the Cici's on that fateful afternoon. I, however, feel it is my right as an educated American to describe the encounter with as many flowery and superfluous adjectives as possible. It is my right to verbally disparage these unfortunate bastards after the fact, and rip them new assholes not with my fists, but with my words. They could do the very same thing if they knew how to spell, write, type, or behave.

If I come off as snobby and/or pompous then I view that as mission accomplished. Anything to distance myself from the testicle sweat of America that was this fivesome.

We just wanted to eat some pizza.

4. FOUR. QUATRO.

Because I have to put something really QUIK after that thing. Go here to listen to the new Sufjan and the new Thom Yorke. Go.

That's enough ranty.

-Derek

Let's watch movies: Alien Hunter

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Alien Hunter. Alien Hunter stars the incomparable James Spader as the title role and one-time-fastest-man-on-Earth, Carl Lewis (I shit you not).

Let's clear something up first here. Alien Hunter is not The Thing. Yes, they both take place at a remote research facility in Antartica. Yes, they both center around the existence of extra-terrestrial life forms on said research facility. Yes, they are both taut thrillers made with a keen eye for detail and scene construction. Ok, I lied about that last one. Alien Hunter does not have Kurt Russell with a beard but it does has James Spader. In this movie he aimlessly spouts off lame strings of dialogue about how "math is the universal language" and "Aliens are real". He hijacks elements of Jeff Goldblum's characters in both Jurassic Park and ID4 and makes you believe every poorly orchestrated scene.

The story of Alien Hunter is pretty straight forward. An alien disturbance is believed to be discovered at a remote Antarctic-an research facility that is dedicated to growing corn (for some reason...I wasn't listening). The scientists call on James Spader (because he is a FUCKING ALIEN HUNTER...YEAHHHHHH!!) to consult on the alien that they have in their midst. The alien spends most of the movie in a cocoon thing "thawing" out so there really isn't any "hunting" involved. The title of the movie is hugely misleading. Eventually the alien cocoon thing hatches and the alien escapes and people start dying. People's faces melt off in an unimpressive "we stole this effect from Raiders of the Lost Ark and somehow fucked it up" way. Eventually things escalate to a point where some politician dudes (who are sweating a lot because of the gravity of the decisions they are being forced to make) have to send a submarine to blow up the research facility. Spader, some chick scientist and the Wilford Brimley equivalent wind up walking into some alien light and get sucked up into their space ship. The ending is wide the fuck open. Sequel anyone?

This movie was pure turd. Spader tried to carry it on his back and make it awesome but not even Spader is capable of such a feet. Perhaps if he would have played the same part he played in Pretty in Pink. Who knows.

+PROS+
+Carl Lewis is in this movie.
+Spader.
+Carl Lewis.

-CONS-
-Carl Lewis dies in this movie.
-Carl Lewis doesn't do any running in this movie.
-There are no shots of Carl Lewis outrunning alien energy waves or fire.
-When the research facility that was used to grow corn is blown up by the dudes on the submarine not one of them makes a popcorn joke. Hardcore missed opportunity.
-The fact that the alien "costume" was obviously an old (and used) prop from ID4.

I give this film a 3.15564 out of 10
-Derek

DEREK 360: Reality Television

Hello world,

This is an editorial that has been written before. It has been written dozens of times by dozens of different people. It has, I dare say, been written in dozens of languages. It may have even been written in braille. Point is, it's a tired subject.

I, however, do not care.

I was minding my own business sitting on the reality television fence when a TV program came out that pushed me firmly into the "reality TV is fucking terrible" side. Rockstar: Supernova is a new reality show where a handful of "rocker" hopefuls gather and sing excerpts from awesome Top 40 rocks songs of the past 25 years. These sad sack loser contestant people typically compensate for a lack of talent or presentation by caking on eyeliner (in the case of the dudes) or having their massive jugs (in the case of the chicks) on display at all times. All the while Tommy Lee, Jason Newsted, and some dude from Guns 'N Roses sit back scratching their chins wondering if the person before them is the right fit to round out their newly formed "supergroup", SUPERNOVA.

I caught a solid 4 minutes of this show and became so unbelievably irritated that I marched over to my computer and began to type feverishly. I saw the tail end of a dude singing something (not sure what). The dude was obviously a "rocker" because his eyes were heavily lined and his hair was spikey. He also had the whole "rocker" fashion thing down. I began to pay attention when former Janes Addicition/Red Hot Chili Peppers guitar virtuoso and current husband to Carmen Electra, Dave Navarro (who is like a host or something) began to gush about how "totally awesome" the dude was. "The fact that I never knew you existed is why this show is so special," was the exact phrase that trickled out of Mr. Navarro's mouth hole.

From there they showed a quick run down of all gazillion (I think there were like 20) contestants and the song they chose to sing. I heard snippets of songs I recognized from such bands as The Police, Coldplay, Train, and Melissa Etheridge. Rock 'N Roll!!! The dude who was singing Roxanne was so far off (even in the four second snippet) that he immediately became my favorite. It was as though he had never heard the original. My dad, who had seen the performance in its entirety, told me that one of the dudes from SUPERNOVA (who are also judges or something) told him to his face that "he sucked".

If a dude can't fuck up The Police and be praised as a brash and brazen rocker then I don't know what you have to do. I guess the dude song-styling the shit out of Coldplay's Yellow is more what Tommy Lee is looking for.

I am not a person who goes crazy for American Idol but I do appreciate it for what it is. It's a massive talent competition where people bring in their different influences and try to pass those off as "idol worthy" or whatever. My problem with this Rock Star show is that it's all these contestants coming together to fit themselves into this gross little CBS regulated Rock 'N Roll stereotype.

I don't know everything about everything but I do know that not all "rock stars" are like Tommy Lee. I also know that this is a good thing.

Reality TV can be completely awesome (Cheaters, Man Vs. Beast, True Life) or it can be pure shit (Lots of shows). There is absolutely nothing I can do about any of this.

So I complain. Right here.

-Derek

HAPPY 4TH FROM THE JOHNNY!!!

Hello world!

We at the Johnny Utah Symposium wanted to wish you all a happy and safe 4th of July and thank you for being such beautiful people! (And to make up for Andy's last animus filled post).

Here's some fireworks!




So Happy...
-Birthday of America.
-"Fuck England" Day
-National Kick Terrorist Ass Day
-Redcoat Burn Party Day
-Firework Irresponsibility Day
-Burn Ban Ignorance Day
-Quatro de Julio
-Ka-Boom Boom Day
-Eat Red Meat Day '06
-Swim in a pool of English blood day.
-Hardcore America Jamboree!!!

Explosions of Love!

The Dads of Johnny Utah.

Aw no.

I like to think I have some school pride. I cheer for my alma-maters and I cheer against my rivals. That being said, I don't go out of my way to make fun and overly hate my rivals...except for Texas. Even then, however, my disdain is very tame compared to most OU alumni. The same can be said for other Big XII schools. However, after coming across this lame piece of ass-shit, I just can't help but say: "Stupid Faggies".




This is definitely one of the most awful things I have ever seen. It's not even funny awful. It's really pathetic and pitiful. This is how I envision the population of College Station.

Looks like the bonfire missed a couple.

I may be overyhyping my hate for it and this may have been a worthless post.

Love and junk -

Andy (JUhS)

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "The Cycle of Life"

The spider eats the fly,
but the fly doth not die.
The fly flied around
inside the belly of the spider
and it made the spider puke.

When the spider yakked,
the fly was back.
Back from the stomach of Tyrus the Spider.
Back from the dead.

The fly takes the to the hills.
Through the teachings of some rogue ants
the fly learns how to kills.
The ants say goodbye
and cry.

The fly leaves the crying ants
and returns to the party to dance
with Tyrus the Spider.
They go round and round and round again.
Until Potsy the Fly kills Tyrus dead.

Dead!

-Bad Poetry Guy

Flipping Out With Joe Mikulik

When I was 6 years old, I punched my grandmother in the face and then repeatedly shut the oven door on her head because she refused to give me just 4 more animal crackers! 4 MORE!!!

When I was 16 my high school chemistry teacher, Mrs. Stephens, accused me of cheating so I took a vat of hydochloric acid and threw it against her wall melting the pictures of her ugly ass family. Then, I sat down in my chair and clearly reenacted how I couldn't have cheated off the chick next to me with the big jugs because said jugs flopped over her test paper preventing any opportunity to cheat. I then micturated in Mrs. Stephens' fish tank while screaming at the top of my lungs "I AM NOT A CHEATER!".

A few years ago my youngest daughter got a puppy for her birthday. One afternoon, after I had gone way out of my way to Dairy Queen to purchase a cold, delicious strawberry shake to feed my craving for a cold, delicious strawberry shake I had to take a quick phone call in my study and left my cold, delicious strawberry shake in the kitchen. Upon completion of the call, I returned to the kitchen to find said puppy in the middle of a cold, delicious strawberry shake puddle on the kitchen floor. I got so angry and red in the face that my bow tie I was wearing caught on fire and smoke started to spout from my ears like steam from a tea pot. I then made a scream that only mythological sirens could understand, which broke every piece of glass in my house. I picked up the puppy and proceeded to punt it through some football uprights. When my daughter started to cry at the "cruelty" I had shown to her "precious Snaps", I dropped an anvil on her head and then punted her through some uprights as well. I then found a spoon and tried to salvage what I could of my now warm, melted, but delicious none-the-less strawberry floor shake.

So, some could say I have a "history of poor anger management". Some could say I "make mountains out of mole hills". I say that I'm merely a man of my own accord. I'm just trying to play with the cards I've been dealt and fighting for the little man and trying to rid the world of injustice. My life motto: "NEVER SURRENDER". My good friend, homie, brethren, mentor, etc., Malcolm X said "by any means necessary". Therefore, I feel justified in my actions from Sunday afternoon's baseball game in which, I "lost control" and garnered me a suspension and fine (as I'm sure you've all heard or seen by now). Here's the footage, just in case...



Shit, I hate Stuart Scott. Personally, I think I need to do some more bicep and deltoid work in the gym...where I'm regularly found forging my own weights from scrap steel I find under the highway.

So, now I find myself with 7 days off and out $1,000. What am I going to do with myself? I don't know. Some say I should "go to counseling". Some say I should take a trip or find a hobby. Hey! I have a hobby! It's called kicking ass and taking names and flipping the ass out!

Just this morning, I woke up to find my neighbor putting HIS trashbags into MY trash bin because his overly wasteful ass is too much for HIS bin to handle. I instantly Fred Flinstoned (walking with chest forward, feet stomping, arms pressed like concrete down to the ground) to the curb where I flung his trash all over his yard saying "shit" a lot. I then, set his piece of shit Toyota Prius ablaze while grabbing my crotch in the direction of his house with one hand and giving him the bird with the other. Next, I chopped down the giant oak in his front yard with my hands and fashioned a battering ram with which I knocked down his front door. I punched my neighbor in the nose, gave him a wedgie and then burned the bottom of his feet with a hot iron I had plugged in earlier. Finally, I told him his kids were "ugly retards" and that his wife had small boobs and stormed out after scattering some Chips Ahoy cookies across his living room.

Some say I'm insane and evil. I say I'm just living. Some say I need to relax. I say you can kiss my ass.